


Alex Mercer's Storm

by ghostgay23



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alex Has Anxiety (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex Has Bad Parents (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex Needs a Hug (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex's Parents Are Homophobic (Julie and The Phantoms), Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, Pre-Canon, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:54:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 70
Words: 78,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28010496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostgay23/pseuds/ghostgay23
Summary: A look at Alex's life, before, during and after his coming out.
Relationships: Alex & Luke Patterson & Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Comments: 424
Kudos: 235





	1. There's a Storm Coming

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first thing I've written in years so any feedback is really appreciated :)
> 
> Chapter one title comes from 'There's a Storm Coming' by Dance With The Dead.

It would be fairly accurate to say Alex Mercer was always afraid of his father. Michael Mercer was, after all, an intimidating presence. What made Michael Mercer, who insisted on his son always calling him ‘Sir’, so intimidating was that he never really raised his voice.

Alex knew how his friend Reggie’s dad was always the opposite of his own, explosive rage and yelling being a constant in the home life of his sweet, leather jacket clad friend, whereas Alex’s dad always had a simmering, bruising anger. If pushed to describe it Alex would have said his father was like the hours before a huge storm, where the air is tense, heavy, and ominous. The storm that was Michael Mercer had somehow never broken, it just lingered and left his son constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid being or doing anything to tip his father over the edge. Alex tried fiercely to hide how anxious he was about so many things, about being the one to perform the bible reading at the church his family attended every Sunday at 9am, about trying out every year for sports teams he had no interest in being on but thought being on might please his father, about his grades when he found that no amount of studying was making him any better at Math.

Then there was Alex’s biggest secret. Alex had spent several miserable years gradually facing up to the reality that the reason he had never felt interested in dating girls and the dizzying feeling he got when he looked at his friend Luke too long were linked. Alex was certain he was gay by the age of fourteen and he was equally certain that telling his parents was not a good idea.

He heard the way his father talked about Trent Jones, a boy several years older than Alex who lived four houses down from the Mercer house and had apparently came out to his family a year after the Jones family moved to the neighborhood. Trent was a handsome boy with a preppy style and brown hair and he seemed, to Alex’s surprise, so confident and _happy_. Alex couldn’t believe that anyone could be so happy and comfortable being gay, everything he had heard through church and through people at school seemed to point to being gay being a miserable, sinful existence. But Trent seemed happy, as Alex watched him stroll down the street, a light bounce in his step in the warmth of the Spring day. Alex had been expressly forbidden to talk to Trent after Alex’s mom Daphne found out through the grapevine of neighborhood gossip that Trent was _'one of them'_. Alex had dutifully complied with the instruction at the time, especially after his dad had coldly told him that ‘If you associate with people like that, they’ll try and convince you that the ways of sin are acceptable’. It had been six months since Alex had been forbidden to speak to Trent, and Alex had had enough. He wanted to, no, needed to speak to him.


	2. Children Will Listen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex seeks help from someone who he hopes will be safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a bit of a slow burn, Reggie and Luke are coming soon!

Being able to talk to Trent was going to require Alex to be especially careful. He knew the cosy, tree-lined street that made up the neighborhood he’d grown up on was all a façade, with houses full of nosy, judgmental people, after all, he had to admit his mom was one of them, that’s how his family had found out that Trent was gay.

*******

‘How his parents can be okay with something like **_that_** , I simply do not know’ Alex’s mom had said one day soon after to Valerie from the house across the street, every word coated in disdain. Alex had felt his stomach twisting in fear and horror as he listened to the two women sat at the kitchen counter, sipping hot chocolate as they caught up on all the neighborhood gossip.

‘I know!’ Valerie had replied after a particularly long sip of drink, her eyes wide and her toad-like face glowing both from the warmth of the drink and the salacious gossip they were dissecting with such enthusiasm. ‘Audra was telling me how she saw the boys father dropping him off in town yesterday and he was making a whole show of telling him how proud he was. I mean, can you imagine? Not just tolerating but actively _encouraging_ such sinful behaviour!’.

‘Alex has already agreed to never speak to that boy, haven’t you darling?’ his mother said, smiling across at her son from where he was busying himself with Math homework at the kitchen table, willing himself not to break down into tears at the cruel way his mother spoke about Trent ( _‘who is just like you’_ , Alex’s internal monologue sneered).

‘Yes, Mom’ Alex replied quickly, wincing at how his voice cracked and squeaked awkwardly. He decided to busy himself in his Math work and try his hardest to block out the voices of his Mom and her best friend.

*******

Alex quickly and quietly made his way down the wooden staircase that ended by the front door, putting on his favorite sneakers and gently slipping out the front door. The Spring air immediately felt fresh and crisp on his skin, a relief from the suffocating atmosphere in his house. Birds were singing and, in the distance, Alex could hear a lawnmower or a leaf blower droning. Making his way across the front garden, Alex turned left and walked the way he had seen Trent heading.

He could see Trent had reached the end of the block and had to resist the urge to break into a jog to catch up with the older boy. He needed to avoid judgmental eyes or being caught talking to Trent, but he was afraid of losing sight of the boy in his caution.

 _‘Why will he even want to talk to you?_ ’ A voice in Alex’s head chirped, curious but unkind in its tone.

Quickening his steps but still trying to focus on his breathing, Alex pressed on down the street. He could feel himself starting to lose his nerve, but he had to take this opportunity. He’d never known any gay person, and this might be the only chance he’d have to talk to someone about this.

Someone who knew what it was like to feel what he was feeling.

Someone who could possibly understand.

Someone _safe_.

Alex loved his friends Luke, Reggie and Bobby, and thanked God for their friendship every time he prayed, but he could not deny he was so terrified they might hate him if he ever told them he was gay. What if everything changed? What if they told his parents? What if they told everyone at school?

He knew people at school already talked about him, as much as he tried to blend in, he drew attention for being too quiet, too delicate, too awkward. There was a group of guys who used to push him around and say foul things to him, all the while accusing him of being gay. Bobby and Luke had caught on quickly and put a stop to them bothering him, which Alex was so grateful for, but the way they had reacted still worried him. Luke had firmly yelled at the jocks that Alex was NOT like that, Alex wasn’t a…

And then Bobby had cut in, using a word so cruel and degrading, and the voice in Alex’s head had nastily chirped up, _‘yes, that’s you, you’re a f-’_

Alex’s memories were rudely interrupted with a rough thud as he realised to his horror that he had not only caught up with but walked straight into Trent.

‘Woah there! You might wanna look where you’re going, dude!’ Trent laughed as he steadied Alex, who was feeling dazed and mortified. Alex was so embarrassed and so overwhelmed, being so close to Trent allowed him to take in how handsome the older boy was. His teeth were dazzling white and the corners of his eyes creased as he smiled kindly.

Before Alex could stop himself, he felt words spilling out, too fast and crashing into each other, forming an unintelligible mess. Trent’s smile had changed, it was smaller and somehow much sadder, but still there was an unmistakeable kindness.

‘Are you okay? It’s Alex, right? You live down the street from me, don’t you? Do you want to talk about something? Sorry, so many questions I know…’

‘Please, I need your help, Trent. But we can’t talk here, if someone sees, my parents will kill me’. Alex cut the older boy off, feeling relief and fear all at once.


	3. I Know a Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex talks to Trent, and experiences the first in many coming outs he will experience in his lifetime (and beyond)

‘I know a place where we can talk without the risk of running into anyone from this neighborhood, trust me’ Trent said softly. Alex nodded quickly, pushing past the thoughts in his head that he didn’t really know Trent that well, apart from the knowledge that he was _like him_.

‘Sure, lead the way’ Alex said, his voice shaking from the feelings of adrenaline and anxiety that seemed to be becoming a constant.

And so the two boys took a left towards the outskirts of the town, walking in a steady silence past the small local store and gas station, crossing the railroad tracks that carried the train Alex sometimes took into the city. On the other side of the tracks Trent lead the younger, suddenly more apprehensive boy into a cluster of small trees and thick grass. Alex’s mind was racing again despite his willing it to stop.

_What if Trent wanted to hurt him?_

They were now sufficiently far enough from any buildings that Alex didn’t feel certain anyone would hear him if he screamed. Still, Alex’s curiosity and desperation for someone to talk to about everything he was feeling pushed him on, his apprehension soothed slightly by knowing that he’d always been a sprightly runner when he needed to be.

The ground beneath their feet was climbing steeply now as the boys made their way through the thicker trees and bushes now, and Alex could faintly hear the whirr of machinery and the clanking of steel.

_What was making that sound?_

Trent turned back to look at him, his smile was still there, despite the flush of his face from the exertion of the journey. He looked kind and understanding, Alex thought to himself, as the trees parted to reveal a small hilltop overlooking a bustling train yard below. _‘So that’s what the noise was coming from’_ Alex’s thoughts helpfully piped in. Below Alex could see several small diesel locomotives arranging and moving wagons piled high with rocks and rubble, and bigger locomotives taking them away.

‘It all gets brought in from a quarry upstate’ Trent murmured softly as he settled into a comfortable seated position on the grassy ground. Alex didn’t respond, simply sat himself down a safe distance away from the older boy, feeling his breathing gently slowing to a more acceptable pace. ‘I hope this is a good enough place to talk, I come here sometimes to think. I’m pretty sure nobody from our street even knows this is here’ chuckled Trent as Alex smiled slightly.

‘This is perfect, thank you. You don’t even know me that well and you’re taking time to help me, so I really appreciate it’. Alex found himself saying as he focussed on a small orange locomotive moving through the yard below, not daring to look at Trent.

‘It’s okay, Alex really. You looked like you were going to vomit or faint when you walked into me earlier, it must be pretty important stuff if you’re coming to me instead of going to the church for advice’. Trent ventured, smiling as Alex’s eyes shot to him, wide and fearful.

‘How do you know about church?’ Alex blurted out, suddenly feeling ever more fearful.

_Maybe this is all a test, or a trick. Maybe Trent is trying to find out information about you to tell the Church. Then the congregation and your parents will know you’re a f-_

‘Alex, calm down, okay? I know your family is religious because your Mom came to my house the week after I came out with a pile of pamphlets about ‘The Dangers of Sodomy’. My Mom told her exactly where to put them, don’t worry.’ Trent frowned slightly.

‘I’m so sorry she did that, I didn’t know. I mean, she told me I wasn’t ever allowed to speak to you again but I didn’t know she’d done anything like that.’ Alex felt slightly calmer, even as he felt another pang of horror at the way his family treated people who were like **him**.

‘It’s okay, we can’t choose our parents. I’ve been super lucky to have parents who love me for exactly who I am, but I’m beginning to see you’ve not been so lucky. I’m going to ask you a question Alex, and don’t freak out, okay? I’m not going to tell anyone anything you tell me, believe me.’

Alex nodded, he could feel tears pooling in his eyes as he willed his hands to stop shaking.

‘Did you come to me to talk about me being gay?’ Alex nodded again, feeling a single, lonely tear escape and work its way down his flushed cheek.

Before Alex knew what was happening, he was speaking.

_Too fast, too much vulnerable information spilling out._

‘I think, no, I know I’m gay. And I’ve tried so hard to fight it, I’ve tried so hard to be good. I’ve prayed to wake up and see girls the way my friends do. But all I see is how Reggie deserves so much more love and compassion than he gets at home, and how Luke makes my heart skip a beat when he smiles at me, and I’ve felt myself looking at Bobby too many times. I listen to and sing songs of love and I picture Luke in my mind, I dream about him at night and in my dreams, he kisses me and _we do things_ and in those dreams I don’t feel shame, I feel closer to God. But I know my parents hate gay people, and I know my church hates gay people, but I love my family and I love my church, and I don’t know how to make that work. I’m so scared, Trent. Everything the jocks have said about me at school is true, and my friends have defended me and denied it and what if they hate me if they find out the truth?’

Alex knows he is crying hard now, and it’s not the perfect, cinematic sort of crying he’s seen in movies. It’s ugly and frantic and his face is probably so red now and he can feel his whole body shaking.

But now there are arms around him, strong but gentle. Trent is holding him as he sobs, and it feels… nice? Right? Definitely safe.


	4. Talk

Alex felt incredibly safe in Trent’s embrace, even as a part of him realised with a dull ache that this was the first time he’d been hugged in years.

*******

He could pinpoint a cloudy Christmas several years ago when he had gone to wrap his arms around his mother, wanting to express his gratitude for the gifts he’d just unwrapped. Then his father’s voice had cut through the moment, cold and clear.

‘Don’t you think you’re getting a bit old for that, Alexander? Hugs are for little children, you’re practically a man now.’

Alex had felt embarrassed and hurt by his father, blindsided by this line of questioning. He felt foolish for wanting a hug, for wanting physical affection.

Alex had often seen the easy warmth of being at Luke’s house when Mr Patterson would arrive home from work and throw his arms around his son, easily and enthusiastically received by his best friend. Fighting back the urge to cry, Alex had silently told himself that this was just how it was going to be for him, no hugs from his parents ever again.

Reggie and Luke were always very physical, wrapping an arm around each other's shoulders when walking, but this was something Alex had avoided with his friends as he became more aware that he was gay. There was no reason to give them any reason to work out his secret. He made an effort to avoid any hugs, which had become an unspoken part of their dynamic.

_‘Thank God for Bobby’_ , he thought to himself.

Bobby was a relatively new friend of the three and had been trying to get them to form a band with him since they’d met at the start of the last school year. He was as uncomfortable with physical affection as Alex was, but for entirely different reasons, Alex reasoned, judging by the slur he’d used to deny what the bullies were accusing Alex of being.

So that was the dynamic between the four of them, two boys in the middle of the group who didn’t seem to have a second thought or a care in the world about hugging each other, and a deeply closeted gay guy and a guy who was most likely deeply homophobic on opposite sides of the two.

*******

Alex tried to control his jagged breathing as his sobs settled into a steady flow of tears raining down onto his hoodie. The two boys separated gently from the hug, and Alex’s bleary eyes focussed on Trent, still smiling at him, but the smile now coloured by a sadness.

‘Alex, first let me tell you it was really brave of you to tell me you’re gay, I’m guessing I’m the first person you’ve told?’

Alex willed himself to respond but could only muster a quick nod of his head. Trent frowned slightly, knowing how terrified Alex was and how impossible the situation must feel for the younger boy.

‘I can’t pretend things are going to be easy Alex, but I need you to know, there is _**nothing** _wrong with you being yourself. If your friends are true friends, they’ll still like you. If you being gay changes things between you and them, then it’s their loss and not yours, because real friends like you for exactly who you are, right? As for your parents, they might surprise you and be cool, it might be different for them when it comes to their son being gay. I was so convinced my Dad would beat the shit of me when I came out, but he was there for me in such a big way, and now I feel closer to him than ever. Just the other week I had my first date with a guy and he even drove me there and after we talked about it and it felt great, being so honest about myself and my life with no secrets. I can’t speak from any experience about religion, my family has never been religious in any way, but I do know that God is meant to love everyone, and that still includes you. I think that the way people interpret religion to suit what they want it to mean means that people can use it to push their own hate or fear of what they don’t understand, but I’m sure if there is a God, he’s got better things to care about than you liking boys.’

Alex let out a watery, shaky laugh as Trent finished. There was so, so much fear in Alex still, fear of how he might ever tell his friends or family, fear of how they'd react, but there was a feeling of a small weight being lifted off his shoulders by telling Trent. He was about to speak, to thank Trent, to ask him more questions that were burning inside him, when there was a disturbance in the trees to the left of them, and out of the greenery came…

…Luke?

_Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So finalllllly, Luke is in the picture! More will follow with the Sunset Curve boys, and some comfort for poor Alex


	5. Countdown to the End of the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke and Alex talk. TW: Homophobic language, slurs (said by a character about themselves)

Alex felt as though the world was frozen in place, all the colour fading into a dull wash. His mind struggled to keep up with the situation.

He had came out to someone, and the world hadn’t ended.

But now Luke had caught him with Trent.

Trent who Luke knew Alex wasn’t allowed to be around. Alex’s mom had made sure to pass on her warnings of guilt by association to Alex’s friends, and they all knew the reason. Trent was gay, so being around Trent was an absolute _no_.

Alex felt fear and anxiety taking hold again, and he reasoned with himself that his world had in fact began to end the moment he had told Trent he was gay, but the process of the end of all things was simply moving at a slower pace.

He looked at Luke, handsome, beautiful Luke and saw the confusion scrunching up the face that filled his most powerful dreams.

‘You okay man?’ Luke said, looking between the face of his tear-soaked friend and the older boy who interaction with was off-limits according to Mrs Mercer.

Alex willed his breathing to settle down, tried to ignore the thundering of his pulse. He had to play this right.

‘Yeah, I just came here to clear my head and I happened to bump into Trent.’

The lie tasted bitter and felt unconvincing as he heard himself say it, so he was silently grateful when Trent spoke, sounding easy and sure of himself as he did.

‘I better go, I’ve gotta run errands for my Mom. See you around, Alex.’

Trent left the clearing the way Luke had come from, turning back to smile reassuringly at Alex from behind Luke’s back as he did.

Luke, Alex thought to himself, seemed slightly unconvinced but still stepped closer to the blonde boy.

‘Why’d you need to clear your head, bro? Your parents on your back about your grades again?’

Alex smiled a little at his friend. Luke had provided an easy way out of this whole situation. Alex could just lie about the motivation for coming up to this hillside above the railyard, pretend that his tears were just from his inability to get any better at Math.

A small, tiny part of Alex interrupted him before he could jump at the opportunity to take Luke’s suggestion of the reason for his distress.

_Wouldn’t it be nice to stop lying?_

Alex took as long a look at Luke as he felt he could risk.

_Let me take a last look at my friend before I change everything._

‘It’s not that, but they are still putting a lot of pressure on me about my grades. Luke, I’ve been dishonest with you and the others, with everyone. I didn’t want to lie to you but I’ve been so scared, you know? About changing things, I’ve never liked change, you know that.’

‘I remember how you cried for a week when Miss Murray stopped teaching us English ‘cos she had to go to Maryland to look after her sick Mom’ Luke chuckled, his voice warm but his eyes concerned.

‘It was _not_ a week, it was two days, max’ Alex said, smiling in spite of himself.

‘ _Sure_ it was. Anyway, what have you lied to us about, Alex? Is it to do with Trent? I know your mom said we should never be around him but you two were here earlier and...’

Luke’s eyes widen and he looks as though things are clicking in his mind.

Alex panicked.

_I’m making a total mess of this. Luke is going to hate me._

‘Are you and him together? Like, ‘gay together’ stuff?’ Luke blurts out.

‘NO!’ Alex yelled, eyes wide with fear and frustration at just how poorly this was going.

‘This isn’t about Trent, there is no gay together stuff, whatever that is meant to mean! I’ve been lying to you about the truth, and the truth is that I’m a fucking _**faggot**_ ’ Alex spat out, tears falling freely again.

Then Alex realised just what he’d said.

What he’d confessed.

Alex felt himself slump onto the ground, curling into himself as he scrunched up his eyes.

Waiting for the punches and kicks he felt certain would soon be raining down on him from his soon to be former best friend. From the boy he-

‘Don’t call yourself that, ever again. Alex, do you hear me?’

Alex didn't dare to move. Over his frantic sobs he heard the scuffling of earth as Luke crouched down next to him.

‘Alex, please, look at me. Dude, I’m not gonna hurt you, I’m _worried_. Please!’

Alex opened his watery eyes and found himself looking at Luke’s face.

Luke was tearing up.

‘Alex, you’re one of my best friends in the world. I love you, so much, do you understand?’

‘You’ve used that word before, when the jocks were accusing me of being gay’ Alex’s tone was accusing, even as his voice shook.

Luke looked stricken, but spoke again.

‘I did and I know it was _so_ wrong. I said it and I saw the way you looked after, the way you looked like I’d punched you in the gut. I saw how much it hurt you. You gotta believe me, Alex, I’m so sorry. Since then I’ve been thinking about it all a lot. How you seem to have been making yourself seem smaller for years. You used to be a lot more carefree than you are now. I thought it was just your anxiety and your parents, making you feel bad. But I think I’ve made things worse by saying ugly shit like that.’

‘Everyone says it, not just you’ Alex said bitterly.

‘That doesn’t make it okay, Alex! It makes me feel like _shit_ to know that you’ve been listening to us saying stuff that hurts you, stuff that targets who you are!’

Tears were splashing down Luke’s face, his puppy dog eyes forming huge pools.

‘So…’ Alex began hesitantly. ‘You’re okay with me being… gay?’

‘Of course I am! Alex, if being gay is who you are then it has to be good, you’re one of the best people I know!’ Luke yelled, throwing his arms around the blonde boy on the ground.

Alex did not know how long he and Luke sat on the hilltop. He knew they talked, the most honest conversations they had had in what felt like forever. Alex admitted that he thought Luke was the most attractive boy in their friendship group and laughed when Luke, feigning indignation, insisted that he must be the most attractive boy in their grade, which Alex silently agreed with. Luke asked about how long Alex had known he was gay, and, as the sun sat low in the sky over the trainyard, quietly admitted he thought he could equally be attracted to a boy or a girl. They talked about Reggie and Bobby, and Luke’s eyes were fierce when he promised Alex that if either of the boys had a problem with Alex being gay, Luke’s friendship with them would be over. Alex confessed how scared he was that his family would reject him and Luke promised that there would always be a place for Alex at the Patterson house if he needed it. They also talked about music and agreed that they should try and start a band, maybe with Reggie and Bobby, dependent on how they responded to Alex’s coming out, which Alex decided he would do on his own timescale, with Luke’s wholehearted support.

They did _not_ talk about how Alex dreamt of being intimate with Luke, but some things were best left to another time. As the sun disappeared from the sky, the two boys sat on the hill, heads resting on each others shoulders, taking in the easy silence, and Alex felt safe and he felt loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, thank you so much for the wonderful and encouraging feedback I've had so far :)


	6. Pink Triangle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke wants to buy Alex something to show him he is proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: discussions of the Holocaust
> 
> This chapter is a slight detour as it follows Luke in the days following Alex coming out to him, I hope you enjoy.

Luke did not have a solid idea of what he wanted to buy, but he had decided, several days ago on the hilltop, that he was going to get something nice for Alex. Something to show Alex how proud he was of him, but something discrete enough that it wouldn’t be picked up upon by Reggie or Bobby, Alex’s parents or anyone at school.

Having agreed with Alex that telling Bobby and Reggie was something Alex would do in his own time, Luke had decided that protecting Alex from any more suffering or anguish was his role. He felt sick at the thought that he’d used slurs about the very thing Alex was clearly agonising about in an attempt to defend Alex from bullies at school, knowing now he’d certainly added to Alex’s fears and pain. Why he’d used _that_ word was something Luke knew he’d have to work through, it was so frequently heard in the halls and locker rooms of their school that he figured it had trickled down into his vocabulary all too easily.

That could wait though, Luke had ten dollars left of the money his parents had given him for Christmas and he was now wandering seemingly aimlessly through the downtown shopping streets, thinking of Alex and how to make him feel supported.

To find something suitable Luke was sure he’d have to look in one of the stores that was a bit less sterile than the ones lining the streets he was on. These stores were bland and stuffy, and even if Luke found something appropriate in them, he doubted ten dollars would stretch far enough to buy it.

Out of the corner of his eye, Luke noticed a store on one of the streets that joined this main boulevard, perched between a deli and a thrift store.

 _‘Corinne’s Crystals and Jewellery’_ , the sign read in a swirling pastel blue font above the doorway.

Luke reasoned it might be worth a look, so he crossed the street at the intersection and ducked swiftly into the store. Perfumed air hit him with a warm thud as he gazed around the store, and it occurred to him that Corinne or whoever it was that ran the store did not waste an inch of space. Every wall was lined with cabinets and shelves, each filled with crystals that were colourful and beautiful.

 _‘And breakable, and probably more than ten dollars’_ he thought to himself, making a mental note to be mindful of how clumsy he could sometimes be. His mom had always said that he had too much energy to be contained within himself, and he remembered her soft laugh as he used to bound around the house, all flailing arms, and bouncy footsteps.

Standing in place, suddenly afraid of swinging his arms and somehow bringing all the cabinets crashing down, Luke looked carefully around. Near the counter at the rear of the store, he could see a spinning rack of enamel badges and pins. That felt like a solid place to look, so he cautiously made his way over to it, trying not to panic as he passed crystals and sculptures on shelves with handwritten price tags on where the price was far beyond his budget.

Luke’s eyes lit up as halfway down the side of the rack facing him, he could see a selection of badges and pins where the card they were mounted on featured a rainbow on a pastel blue background. There were badges and pins that featured rainbow colours and literal rainbow shapes, but Luke feared they were a bit too obvious or out there for Alex at the moment, but maybe worth coming back for when Alex was feeling a bit more comfortable.

‘Can I help you?’ a soft voice murmured gently.

Luke jumped, desperately trying to steady himself so he did not disturb any of the shelves or cabinets behind him. Eyes wide, he took in the small, elderly lady standing by him. On her cardigan he noticed a staff badge which identified her as being _the_ Corinne of the store’s name. Her eyes were dark and her lips thin but lined precisely with deep red lipstick, a kind smile curving them as they stood out against her olive skin.

Stammering slightly as he felt the initial shock of her arrival subsiding, Luke began, his voice quiet even though he could not see anyone else in the store and he was certain no one he knew would be likely to frequent this kind of place.

‘My friend is gay and he’s only just came out to me, I wanted to get him a little something to show him I’m proud of him, but it needs to be something subtle, so it’s just for him, you know?’

Corinne’s smile broadened.

‘You are a very sweet boy, then. Perhaps, I could suggest, maybe this?’ Her thin fingers gestured gently towards one of the pins which featured a pink triangle.

‘This symbol used to be used in the concentration camps by the Nazi’s to identify men who were gay or bisexual.’

Luke felt a wave of sadness and shame wash over him.

‘I, I didn’t know that gay people were imprisoned in the camps…’

The education on the Holocaust that he remembered from History class had only referred to ‘Jewish people and others who the Nazi party felt it right to be imprisoned’, as Mr Simons had put it, but thinking now, Luke remembered how tense Alex had seemed sat at the next desk over, eyes firmly looking down at the desk.

Luke felt his mind begin to race.

_Did Alex know that this was something that had been done to people like him?_

Corinne spoke again, softly, breaking Luke from his spiral.

‘I’m afraid so, but in the seventies and then into the eighties this symbol began to be used by those fighting for the rights of gay people, both to make people aware of the discrimination faced but also as a way to positively identify with other likeminded people as being part of the gay community. Maybe it might be a nice way for your friend to feel like he’s not alone, plus it’s less likely to be identified as being to do with homosexuality by someone who might not be so kind?’

Luke looked at the kind, older woman. She spoke with such warmth and compassion that Luke felt himself trusting her. He took a look at the price written onto the card, six dollars, fifty cents, and smiled at her.

‘It’s perfect. Can I buy one please?’

Corinne smiled a toothy smile at him as she delicately removed the enamel pin from the stand and wrapped it carefully in baby blue tissue paper. Luke handed her the crumpled ten-dollar bill that had been stuffed in the front pocket of his long denim jacket and thanked her when she handed him the pin and his change.

In response Corinne chuckled gently.

‘It’s been a pleasure to talk to such a thoughtful young man. You look after your friend now, okay? Things will probably get harder for him before they get easier, but with support from a good friend like you, he can get through it.’

Luke nodded, then, after wishing Corinne a nice day, he made his way out of the store into the bright sunlight of Los Angeles, the enamel pin securely wrapped in paper and concealed in this jacket pocket with his loose change. Fighting the urge to cry, Luke silently made a promise to himself.

He was going to be the best friend that Alex could have, through this and forever. He would educate himself so he would never cause Alex pain like he knew he had before with the words he had used. He would make things better for his friend, in any way he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit different, but I hope you enjoyed. Luke's shame at not knowing that gay people were persecuted during the Holocaust is a reflection on my own education, where we were only taught that Jewish people were imprisoned, nobody else.


	7. Fighting Suspicions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Luke get into trouble at school, Luke gives Alex his gift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Violence, incident of homophobic bullying.

Monday and Wednesday were Alex’s least favourite days of the school week. Monday’s usually found his anxiety at a dizzying peak, the threat of a full week ahead of him making him feel like his throat was full of cotton wool and his hands frantically ghosting over the inhaler in the fanny pack he wore every day, regardless of outfit.

Wednesday brought its own challenge though. Physical Education. Alex had never been particularly gifted in sport, but his worst fear was the locker rooms. For as long as he could remember, time in the locker room was a time for him to change into his sports kit quickly and with his eyes down at his own space at all times. Being suspected of, or even worse, being caught looking at one of the other guys would not end well for him, he was certain. He supposed he should consider himself lucky that since Luke, Bobby and Reggie had found out the jocks were giving him a hard time and accusing him of being gay they had taken to forming a protective wall of sorts, where to get to Alex in the one corner of the locker rooms where the four changed, a prospective bully would have to get past the other three boys. Bobby and Luke were muscular and intimidating presences, and even Reggie had a fierce protectiveness to him that Alex would never want to be on the wrong side of.

It was the first Wednesday back at school after Alex had came out to Luke, and the two boys were making easy conversation as they walked towards the locker rooms. Luke had really taken to the idea of the four boys becoming a band and was trying to convince Alex that drums might be an ideal instrument for the blonde to play, when Marshall Underwood was suddenly slamming into Alex’s shoulder, sending the blonde staggering backwards under the sheer momentum.

Marshall was one of the star athletes in the school, a ruddy mass of muscle and brute force who had been captain of the football team several years running. He was also one of the boys who had always been quick to take an opportunity to pick on Alex, with or without his group of friends to back him up. Alex was reeling. Marshall and the others had largely left him alone since Luke and Bobby had stood up for him, but now they were starting again, even with Luke present?

Luke was furious, whipping around to where Marshall had walked. Removing his hand from its perch on Alex’s shoulder where he had attempted to steady the shocked and breathless boy, Luke yelled after Marshall.

‘What the hell, man?! Do you not even look where you’re going, Underwood?’

Marshall had stopped where he was, halfway down the hallway, slinging his textbooks into his worn old locker, an ugly smirk on his face.

‘Oh I saw where I was walking, Patterson. I saw a disgusting _freak_ making eyes at you like a little bitch and I did something about it. You should be careful you know, you keep hanging around with people like that and people will start asking questions about y---’

Marshall was cut off by a sickening crunch as Luke’s fist collided with the side of his jaw. Alex gaped in horror at where his friend now stood, far too close to Marshall. Acutely realising that Marshall’s shock would soon fade, Alex ran over to Luke, feeling sick from the fear of what was going to happen.

‘Luke, come on, we gotta go!’ Alex shouted, grabbing on to Luke’s arm to try and drag him away before the situation escalated.

Realising this was a mistake as he watched Marshall eyes widen in furious glee at what Alex imagined was only more evidence for the accusations made about him, Alex silently willed Marshall to leave Luke alone, to hit him.

_Luke shouldn’t be hurt for defending me. Especially when what Marshall was suspecting is true._

These thoughts were interrupted by the realisation that amongst the crowd that had gathered, he could see Reggie rushing over, closely followed by Bobby. To his horror Principal Goldwater was storming over too, cutting through the throng of students with a face like thunder.

‘Mercer. Patterson. Underwood. My office. _Now_.’

Accepting defeat, the three followed the furious principal, Marshall leading with a smug expression on his face in spite of his split lip, then Luke and Alex following. In the small atrium outside his office, Principal Goldwater gestured at the uncomfortable plastic seats lined up.

‘Patterson, I will speak to you first. You two will wait here.’

Alex felt himself shaking in horror at the thought of being left alone with one of his most enthusiastic bullies, especially now, but before he could speak Luke’s voice was filling the room, hoarse and breathy, but determined.

‘I’m not leaving Alex alone with him. No chance.’

Principal Goldwater paused, then sighed. The whole incident seemed to be nothing more than an inconvenience to him now.

‘Very well. I will speak to you first then, Underwood. You two will remain here.’

Marshall followed the Principal into the office, casting a dirty look at the two which Alex feared meant that this was far from over. Luke sat back in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs, massaging his knuckles which seemed red and swollen from what Alex could see. Alex sat one chair over from Luke, now feeling hyper aware of not being too close to his friend after what Marshall had said.

‘Are you okay, Alex? He didn’t hurt you too bad when he shoved you?’

Alex spluttered out a small laugh. It was so like Luke to put his friends before himself.

‘I’m fine, seriously though. Is your hand okay? You don’t think you broke anything when you hit him, do you?’

Luke shook his head, smiling as he used his hand that didn’t ache to reach into his jacket pocket.

‘I was gonna give you this later after school, but I wanna do it now if that’s okay?’

Alex’s eyes were wide with confusion and surprise as he unwrapped the blue tissue paper to reveal the pink triangle pin.

‘The lady at the store told me it used to be used by Nazi’s to identify gay people, but now gay people use it as a positive sort of symbol. I got it you just to say how proud I am of you and how honoured I am that you told me about yourself. I thought you could maybe put it in your fanny pack or something, you don’t have to though, I could probably take it back if you don’t like it or don’t want it or—’

Alex interrupted Luke as he threw his arms around his brown-haired friend. Tears splashed onto Alex’s face as he thanked his friend, the feeling of gratitude he felt almost overwhelming.

‘Thank you so much for this Luke, it’s so thoughtful of you. And thank you for standing up for me and being cool with everything. Before I told you I thought you’d hate me or you’d kick my ass or hurt me or something but you’ve been such a great friend.’

Luke frowned sadly as Alex sat back in his chair.

‘But I have hurt you. I used horrible words about people like you. So I’m also giving you this to say sorry for that, and to let you know I’m gonna be a better person. I want to learn stuff so I can help you if you need anything, I’ll be like your gay-Yoda.’

Alex snorted at the reference.

‘You and Reggie watch those films far too much, you know that?’

Luke smiled fondly.

‘There’s no such thing as too much Star Wars, but okay. I bet Reg and Bobby are wondering what the hell happened.’

Alex was about to speak when Principal Goldwater’s door opened and out came Marshall, smirking at the two seated boys. Principal Goldwater stepped out of his office, frowning down at the two.

‘So which one of you am I talking to next, or should I talk to you both at once as you are so… inseparable?’

Alex and Luke both felt uneasy at the Principal’s tone but stood when he gestured for them to enter his office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Principal Goldwater and Marshall SUCKKKK.


	8. Defender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Luke in Principal Goldwater's office.

Principal Goldwater’s office was a predictable, bland room devoid of any personality or character. On the wall to the left of the desk was a large, framed photograph of the faculty sat on the bleachers in the gym, then on the man’s desk itself there was a small pile of paperwork, a dark grey telephone and what looked like the same wooden block calendar that Alex’s dad had on his desk in the study at home. The air felt stiff and clinical in the room, a far contrast to the comforting look of the breeze Alex could make out toying gently with the oak tree just outside the office window, leaves dancing idly in the air.

Principal Goldwater gestured wordlessly for the two boys to sit on the chairs facing the desk, as he sat with a stifled grunt at the leather backed chair on the opposite side.

‘As you know, this school has a strict non-violence policy in place to protect the staff and students who come here every—’

The principal’s eyes bulged, reminding Alex of a frog or a toad somewhat, as Luke interrupted him with a barely concealed snort.

‘Is there something you would like to say, Mr Patterson?’

‘Just that you may have these policies in place at this school, but do they actually get acted on? Marshall and his douchebag friends have been bullying people for years, and they get away with it. No consequence, no action. Or does this non-violence policy only apply when the ones hurting people aren’t the stars of the football team?’

Alex looked on at Luke in awe. This was one of the things he loved most about his friend, the way that Luke spoke his mind seemingly without fear. Alex wished he could be more like Luke. More willing to stand up and speak, more able to be brave without feeling his heartbeat thundering a mile a minute in his ears.

‘It sounds to me, Mr Patterson, that you think you are the one who will be asking questions. You are very much mistaken.’ Principal Goldwater was visibly furious, flecks of spit raining down on the polished surface of his desk as he spoke.

Luke opened his mouth to respond, but after glancing over at Alex’s face, he chose to stop.

This seemed to satisfy the anger of the sour faced older man, as he began to address the two boys again.

‘Marshall Underwood told me something deeply concerning. He told me that he saw the two of you brazenly engaging in conduct that is certainly not appropriate within this school, let alone in the outside world. This school is a place where tomorrow’s bright and best are nurtured in a safe and morally suitable environment. To hear that there are apparently boys acting like young lovers is morally reprehensible. Then Marshall tells me as he challenged you on your inappropriate behaviour, you physically assaulted him. This is a situation beyond anything I have had to face in my twenty years as principal. As such it will be necessary to bring your parents in to discuss how we proceed.’

The two boys stared at their Principal, then at each other. Luke was blindsided by the words that had been said, but as he looked over at Alex, he was even more terrified.

Alex’s face was deathly pale, his eyes full of fear like a cornered animal. Everything Luke had wanted to protect Alex from having to experience was becoming a very real possibility.

Alex looked as though he wanted to speak, his mouth opening and closing shakily as though he was truly unable to get the words out. Luke could see how Alex’s hands were trembling, and knew he had to make this better somehow. Panicking, the brown-haired boy spoke, desperation to protect Alex pushing the words out of his mouth in a torrent.

‘Marshall must have got it wrong, Sir. Me and Alex aren’t like what he said. Marshall bumped into Alex in the hall and I told him to be careful, cos Alex gets really bad asthma and I thought it might have made it hard for him to breathe. Marshall wouldn’t apologise and I got mad and hit him, it was so stupid of me and I’m sorry for breaking school policy. Principal Underwood, I’m very sorry for causing all this.’

Principal Underwood looked across at Luke, then his eyes lingered over Alex.

‘What do you have to say for yourself, Mr Mercer?’

Alex’s eyes darted up from where he’d been staring down at his hands, trying to will them into stillness. Swallowing down the feeling that he might burst into more tears or he might vomit, Alex began. ‘I-it’s true, Principal Underwood. What Luke said. We were on our way to Physical Education when Marshall walked into me. I don’t think he meant to hurt me, but my asthma’s been bad so he kind of knocked the air out of me a bit. Then Luke got angry cos Marshall wouldn’t say sorry. I don’t know where Marshall got the idea we were, you know, but it isn’t true sir. I’ve got a girlfriend who goes to St Helen’s.’

Alex tried to smile earnestly, even as the taste of the lies like a mouth full of rotten fruit made him want to wretch.

The older man looked as though he was about to say something but was distracted by three sharp knocks on the door to the office.

‘Enter.’

A woman with dirty blonde hair scraped into a bun came in, her face flushed and her anxious eyes giving away the lie that was her smile.

‘I’m really sorry to interrupt you, Mr Goldwater, but the boys’ parents are here.’

Alex’s stomach dropped, and Luke could only look on in horror as Mr and Mrs Mercer entered the office, closely followed by his own parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh. The storm that is Michael Mercer might be about to break...
> 
> I know I keep saying this but Reggie and Bobby are coming into this more very soon.
> 
> Also, fuck Principal Goldwater and Marshall!


	9. Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex's parents and Luke's parents meet with Principal Goldwater. The storm begins to rage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Homophobic slurs, reference to domestic abuse.

Alex seemed to have shrunk in on himself as the parents came into the office. It looked to Luke as though the blonde boy was trying to make himself as small or invisible as possible, and in sharp focus, Luke was instantly reminded of the times they had been hanging out at Alex’s and the way Alex would become different as soon as they were around his parents. Luke felt like he had been so blind for so long, how unable or unwilling he had been to see how much Alex feared his parents, his father especially.

Michael Mercer’s attention seemed focussed on Principal Goldwater at least, to Luke it felt like Alex’s dad had not noticed the two teens were sat there.

‘I understand my son has been engaged in violent conduct?’

The voice was calm, controlled, but Alex could feel the anger bubbling underneath his father’s words. The storm that Alex thought of when he thought of his father was far across the terrain but rumbling away nonetheless, always a constant threat of it breaking.

Principal Goldwater began to speak to the assembled parents. Luke’s parents were stood behind him, Emily Patterson’s hand placed gently on her son’s shoulder. Alex did not dare to look around to where he knew his parents were stood behind him, but he could keenly feel the distance between them.

‘I’m informed that one of our students collided with your son in the hallway, Mr Mercer. His… _friend_ here felt the need to stand up to him and punched the other student in the face.’

A quiet gasp came from the Patterson side of the room.

No sound came from where Mr and Mrs Mercer sat.

‘So why is my child here if the violence took place between two other students?’

Mr Mercer broke the silence, still calm and collected, but Alex felt the slightest hint of anger tinging the words. Alex forced himself to stare ahead, trying to keep his composure.

‘There was a suggestion made by the other boy of improper conduct taking place between your son and his companion. This has been strenuously denied by both Mr Patterson and Mr Mercer and I am satisfied that it was a misunderstanding. However, as the source of the violent incident involved your son, it feels necessary that he shall be punished as well as the aggressor in this situation.’

Luke felt the tiniest amount of relief at the words of the Principal.

_So he doesn’t believe what Marshall tried to say._

This sense of relief what short lived, as Mrs Mercer spoke, sounding timid and fearful in a way that felt to Luke very alien to how he usually heard her speak.

‘What kind of improper conduct was Alexander accused of?’

Glancing over, Luke saw Alex’s face.

The blonde was still staring forward, but his lip was now beginning to tremble, as though he was fighting to stop himself crying.

‘I thought it was agreed I would handle this, Daphne?’

Luke picked up on the tension in Alex’s dad’s voice this time.

The accusation and displeasure behind the words.

His mind began to fill with more questions.

_Was she as afraid as Alex? Was the situation in the Mercer house just a more financially secure version of what was going on at Reggie’s, the simmering resentment and intimidation just hidden behind devotion to the Bible and housekeeping this time?_

Mrs Mercer mumbled a quick, stifled apology as Principal Goldwater sighed.

‘The other student said that he believed your son was a homosexual, Mr Mercer.’

Everything next seemed to be happening in slow motion. There was a loud cracking sound which Luke realised with a nauseating jolt was Mr Mercer cracking his knuckles. Luke felt his mom’s hand grip his shoulder tighter as though she sensed he was about to move, and then he felt his dad’s hand reassuringly placed on his other shoulder, rubbing gentle, circular motions against the fabric. All the while, Luke looked over at Alex, who seemed to be desperately trying to hold it together in this storm.

Alex’s hands were gripping his fanny pack ferociously, inside it his inhaler and the pink triangle pin gently shifting as a result of the motion of Alex’s knee which was rocking. Alex looked like he was seconds from jumping up and running, and Luke silently willed his friend not to.

Between the door and Alex was his dad, and a flash of a possible outcome pulsed in Luke’s mind, Alex running and being grabbed by his father, thrown to the ground…

The coarse bark Mr Mercer let out snapped Luke out of this, and an uncomfortable stillness fell over the room.

‘You are lucky I don’t pursue legal action for slander, Goldwater. My son is not a _**faggot**_ , do you hear me?’

Luke felt his mother’s hand grip him even tighter as he jerked in his seat, staring in horror at Alex.

Luke watched the way his best friend seemed to crumple as the sound of his father spitting that word out, a tear slipping out of the blonde’s eye and racing down his face.

Principal Goldwater seemed to be flustered and panicking about the situation, babbled assurances that he did not believe the accusation made flowing free now.

Mr Mercer’s hand jerked up, a vein twitching angrily on his forehead, and the Principal fell silent.

‘I will talk and you will listen, Goldwater. I am going to leave now, with my wife and my son. We are going to go home, clearly, you’ve made a huge miscalculation and misjudgement of character. My son will return to this school tomorrow, on the condition that there is no punishment, and this will never be spoken of again. Are we clear?’

Principal Goldwater hesitated, and then seemed to surrender.

‘That’s a splendid idea, I can only apologise again for the misunderstanding.’

Mr Mercer seemed satisfied, then Luke watched in dread as he looked to his son for what must have been the first time in the whole meeting.

‘Come along, Alex. We are leaving.’

Alex seemed to jump out of the chair and turn to face his father.

Luke winced at the way Alex was trembling.

‘Honestly, boy, sort yourself out. You go around blubbering like this, it’s almost no wonder the idiot got the wrong idea about you.’

‘S-s-sorry, S-Sir’

Alex’s voice was small as he frantically wiped his sleeves across his tear-streaked face.

Without looking at his wife or son again, Mr Mercer turned and left the room, letting the office door bang into the wall as he did.

Mrs Mercer scuttled after him, Alex following behind.

Luke wanted nothing more than to run out of the room after his friend, to stop him leaving with his parents.

He went to get up but his mom whispered swiftly in his ear.

‘I know, honey, I know. Just hold on’

Principal Goldwater looked stricken, feebly turning back to the Patterson family.

‘A week of lunch period detentions, and we’ll say no more.’

‘Sounds fair, thank you, Mr Goldwater’.

At his father’s words, the family made their way out of the room and back into the main hallway.

In the hallway, Luke broke into a run, sprinting to the double doors that opened out onto the parking lot.

Scanning the lot, Luke just managed to catch a glimpse of the Mercer car roaring away at speed. Luke was vaguely aware that the doors behind him had opened again and turned slowly to see his mother hurrying towards him, his dad panting away behind her.

The dam broke, and Luke threw his arms around his mom, sobbing into her hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck Mr Mercer and Principal Goldwater!


	10. Boys Will Be Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reggie and Bobby wonder what is going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Homophobic slurs, references to alcoholism and domestic abuse

Reggie had a reputation in class as being a bit of an airhead, to put it mildly. This was an inaccurate judgment, however. He had a gift for noticing things others did not and thought a lot more than anyone ever gave him credit for.

This was why Reggie had spent the entirety of Physical Education thinking about where Luke and Alex were now. He’d seen them get taken away by Principal Goldwater, along with Marshall Underwood.

But now Marshall was back, sitting on the bleachers as the class edged closer to its conclusion, nursing an icepack on his swollen lip.

_Where the hell are Alex and Luke?_

Bobby let out a loud sigh.

‘Dude, are you even listening to me?’

Reggie cringed as he realised that his friend had been talking and turned to smile apologetically at the other boy.

‘Sorry, Bob. I just got distracted by—’

Bobby sighed again, with no trace of the frustration from the first time.

‘Luke and Alex being gone, I know. Something weird is going on, I mean, when has Alex ever got in a fight with anyone?’

Reggie smiled sadly.

‘I just don’t get it, if they had a fight with Marshall, why is that brute back and they’re still not here?’

‘Well, there’s one way to find out..’

With that, Bobby broke out into a jog toward the bleachers. Stopping short of Marshall, Bobby called out to the star athlete.

‘What happened with ‘Lex and Luke, bro?’

Marshall sneered, rolling his eyes as Reggie caught up with Bobby and stood by him.

‘Your little freak friend was making eyes at Luke, so I gave him the heads up. For some reason Patterson decided he’d rather be ungrateful for the warning. You guys seriously need to make better choices, hanging with that queer isn’t gonna do much for your rep, Bobby. No girl wants to be dating a guy whose got a fag for a friend.’

Bobby clenched his fists.

‘I’ve told you before, man. Alex isn’t gay, when is it gonna sink in?’

‘Even if he was, what’s it to you?’

Reggie was unsure where he’d got the confidence from to interrupt. Usually, he avoided conflict as much as possible. Whenever things got tense at home, he’d swiftly remove himself from the situation, preferring to stand on the beach and let the sound of the sea carry him to memories of times before his Mom’s best friend had been a bottle and back to when his Dad had been the one to talk Reggie down from his fear of monsters under the bed.

Marshall gave Reggie a foul look, standing up from the bleachers. Bobby moved slightly to form a barrier between the two. Looking down Reggie could see that Bobby’s fists were now clenched so tightly that his knuckles were white.

Looking between the two, Marshall seemed to decide it wasn’t worth another fight. He walked down the length of the bleachers and off towards the locker room, muttering under his breath.

Bobby turned to look at Reggie, frowning at his friend.

‘What do you mean, even if he was? You cool with that stuff?’

Reggie scowled.

‘Yeah, Bobby, I am. If someone’s gay or whatever, it doesn’t affect me in any way. It’s none of my business. The sort of people who do give a shit are assholes, like Marshall. People who like to bully people for whatever reason, it’s just shitty. So what about you, Bobby?’

Bobby hesitated. Out of the boys, he was always the one who crossed friendship groups. He got on easily with the football team, with Marshall. But his friendship with Reggie, Luke and Alex went deeper. He told them things that he would never tell the football team. He told them how his house was kind of lonely sometimes, his Dad always travelling overseas for work and his Mom always out and about at some party or other. He felt foolish for feeling bad about it when he knew Reggie had it far worse, but Reggie had always been there, with kind words and ready to listen. So had Alex and Luke, and now it sounded like his friends needed him to be there for him.

‘You’re right, Reg. I shouldn’t care about that stuff. It’s just… hard when I hang with the team some nights and the way they talk is so different to you guys. They say stuff about f-gay people’, he quickly corrected himself, ‘and girls and stuff and it sort of surrounds you. You feel like you have to join in or they’ll start focussing on you.’

Reggie smiled softly. He could see Bobby was trying at least.

‘I get it, it’s hard to go against what other people believe is right. So, if there’s any truth to what Marshall said, about Alex making eyes at Luke or whatever..’

‘We’re gonna be there for Alex.’

Bobby responded, feeling strong in his conviction. Thinking now, he remembered seeing things that he’d ignored, or thought nothing of in the moment.

_Laughing with Reg as Luke awkwardly danced around the kitchen in Luke’s house, singing easily along with the music blaring on the kitchen radio, then turning to his right to see Alex staring at Luke like he was the stars and moon, a soft smile lighting up his face, then vanishing to be replaced by a look of terror when he had noticed Bobby looking at him…_

_Being in Church one Sunday with Alex when he’d stayed over at the Mercer’s to avoid the emptiness of his own home, seeing Alex’s fingernails pushing down into his palms as the priest spoke about sodomy and the sin of those who lie down with the same sex…_

_Opening the door to the second floor bathrooms to see Marshall and two other guys from the football team pinning Alex to the wall, Marshall’s fist snarled in Alex’s hoodie as the blonde begged them to let him go, pleading desperately that he hadn’t been looking, shaking with fear…_

_Another night at the Mercer’s, Bobby returning from a trip to the bathroom before bed, pausing in the doorframe of Alex’s room, standing in stunned silence as the blonde boy facing the wall, lost in prayer, murmured things Bobby could not fully hear, only catching snippets of phrases: ‘I’ve tried so hard to change’, ‘Father, please don’t let me feel this way’. The awkward shame Bobby had felt to have stumbled upon such an obviously private moment leading the boy to silently retrace his steps back to the bathroom, where he’d waited for a few minutes, returning to find Alex now sat at the desk in his room, the prayer over but the red rimmed eyes remaining._

The bell rang, and as they made their way back to the locker room to change, Reggie and Bobby shared a silent look. They both knew they needed to get to the bottom of what was going on.

‘We shouldn’t go to Alex’s; you know how he doesn’t like us turning up without warning.’

Bobby whispered quickly. Reggie nodded.

‘Luke’s then? We could go straight after school?’

‘Nah, let’s go now. It’s only English later.’

Reggie hesitated for a moment, then agreed.


	11. This House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and his father have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Homophobic slurs, internalized homophobia, misogyny, references to domestic abuse, vomiting.

The car ride back to the Mercer house had been smothered in uncomfortable silence, the tyres bearing down on the streets as Mr Mercer drove. Alex could feel his breath still straining, and wanted to reach for his inhaler, but fear stopped him.

His mind conjured images of him unzipping it and his father’s anger being firmly directed at him as a result of the sound, or even worse, the beautiful pink triangle pin Luke had bought him slipping out and acting like some sort of proof of his sin.

_Your son is everything they are saying. I’m so, so sorry, Sir._

Alex blinked furiously, trying to dispose of the tears welling up again before his father could catch a glimpse of them in the rearview mirror. Turning his head to look out the window at the streets speeding by Alex remembered with a dull ache in his chest that they would soon be passing the church.

It was sad to Alex to think of how the church had felt like a safe, comforting place for him in his younger years. That feeling that if he was good, he would always have a place in Heaven and unconditional love both on Heaven and Earth was so lost to him now and thinking of it made him feel like screaming.

Alex lowered his eyes as the car hurried past the church building, knowing that the journey would soon be over. In easy flowing traffic like this it would be less than ten minutes before they got home.

_What is going to happen to me then?_

Alex hoped his parents had believed that this was a misunderstanding, but then he recalled what his father had said about the way he acted being responsible for giving people the ‘wrong idea’ about himself.

_Is Dad getting suspicious? Why can’t I be what he wants me to be? I’ve prayed so hard and I still feel the things I do, so what now? Am I not praying enough? Or am I not praying right? Does God want me to suffer? Why won’t he let me change? I’m trying so hard._

In the frenzy of his anxious thoughts, a small flicker of another voice appeared in his mind.

_Luke knows what you are, and he still likes you. He’s still your friend in spite of what you are, and he said he was **proud** of you. Maybe your Dad might be the same?_

Alex tried to steady his thoughts and focussed his energy on his breathing as the car pulled onto their driveway.

Inside the house, Alex and his mother stood awkwardly in the entrance hall of the large house the Mercer’s lived in. Stood nearest to the door, Alex thought vaguely of bolting out of the door and running down the street to Trent’s, maybe taking shelter there and hiding from the inevitable confrontation he could feel nearing.

Dismissing these thoughts as a pointless fantasy, Alex looked over to his father, who’d now finished hanging his coat up and placed the car keys into the small wooden bowl on the counter in the hall.

‘Me and Alexander are going to go into my study and have a talk about all of this. Daphne, you are not to disturb us. Am I clear?’

Alex’s glance shot over to his mother, silently wishing for her to refuse, to insist she be there too.

_Maybe she would protect him if it came down to it?_

Any hope of her help was dismissed when she meekly nodded and headed off towards the kitchen.

Mr Mercer walked in the direction of the study to the left of the entrance hall, and Alex followed silently.

Sitting in the study, facing his father now sitting across the desk from him, Alex felt incredibly aware of just how much he stood out in this drab room. Mr Mercer had decorated the room with a color palette of simple black and slate gray, and Alex’s pastel blue hoodie and blonde hair stuck out against this muted background. Mr Mercer’s once blonde hair had long since faded into a light ashen color, and his clothes seemed picked to match the quiet oppression that characterised the room.

‘So Alexander, let’s talk about you. I’m not going to lie to you and say I haven’t been concerned by your apparent lack of interest in women. A good-looking boy like you from a good background should be dating by now. Your mother has been trying to assure me you might just be a late bloomer, but I want you to tell me, are you trying?’

Alex’s breath shuddered and he felt his throat tighten.

_If only his father knew._

Alex braced himself for the taste of lying again.

‘I-I’m just waiting for the right girl, Sir. There’s some nice girls at school but nobody that’s right for me.’

His father seemed encouraged by the response, a small smile on his face easing the feeling Alex had of his father’s barely contained irritation.

‘Ah, that’s my boy. Always striving for the best. Let me tell you about ladies, though. You can always help to mould them into being better than they are. Take your mother, for example. When we first met, she was so obnoxious, far too outspoken. But, given time, I was able to teach her the _proper_ way of things, and she has really proven herself to be an excellent wife and mother.’

Alex shuddered inwardly, feeling disgust at the way his father spoke about women.

It felt wrong, it sounded.. off.

It didn’t sound like love.

‘So, I don’t see any point in putting any more energy into what that moron who is running your school said. As if you could possibly be a _**fag**_ , what a stupid notion.’

Alex felt like a piece of him was dying, bracing himself as his father spoke again.

‘But you need to be more confident, Alexander. Get out there and try things out with some of the girls at school. Even if they don’t seem perfect right away, you’ve been raised with strong morals and that, _combined with a firm hand_ , can put any girl on the right track. You can go now, son’

Alex quietly mumbled out a ‘thank you’ to his father, trying desperately to keep it together until he was out of earshot.

As soon as he was back in the hallway, Alex dashed upstairs, into the bathroom nearest to his bedroom.

Emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl, Alex tried to muffle his sobs. He felt like he didn’t even know his father anymore. He’d seen the way his father looked with poorly concealed disdain at Reggie’s parents when they once managed to get it together enough to drop Reggie off at the Mercer holiday party, the problems in the Peters household being treated like a dirty secret that the neighbourhood all were clued in on. But now his father was talking about women in a way that was foul, and sounded no different to how Reggie had said his dad talked about his mom. Flushing the toilet and staggering over to the washbasin, Alex stared at his reflection.

He looked terrible, his eyes were red and his face was flushed. Turning the taps on, the roar of the water covered what Alex found himself muttering to himself.

‘I hate you’.

Then, Alex took out the pink triangle pin from within the fanny pack. Glancing over at the door to make sure he had locked it, Alex gently pressed his lips to the pin, for just a moment, before looking back at his reflection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex's dad in this is based on a lot of religious people I have encountered, where they act like hypocrites and look down on others for things that they do themselves.
> 
> The next chapter will see Luke, Reggie and Bobby coming together to help their friend. Much needed comfort is coming for Alex, I promise.
> 
> ALSO, Alex doesn't have his pink hoodie.. yet.


	12. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke has to let his parents in to what is going on, and Bobby and Reggie make their way to Luke's house

Luke sat on the comfortable old couch in the Patterson’s front room, head in his hands. His tears had subsided on the car journey home but the despair remained. Mitch and Emily sat across from their son, worry etched on their faces.

‘You know you can tell us anything, right, son?’ Mitch asked, leaning forward to put a supportive hand on his son’s knee.

Luke looked slowly up at his parents, and a wave of gratitude swept over him. He was so lucky, really, to have parents who were around, unlike Bobby’s parents, and always were kind to him, unlike Reggie’s (and Alex’s now, it seemed).

Cautiously, Luke began to speak, a small amount of anxiety that this situation might be a dealbreaker in the generally happy family dynamic they had.

‘So, I don’t know how to say this really. What I’m gonna tell you, you have to promise you won’t tell anyone else, not Reg or Bobby, and especially Alex’s parents.’

Mitch nodded gravely, as Emily’s glassy eyes were wide as she quickly agreed.

‘So, the thing is, Alex told me he’s gay. I’m the only person he’s told. He’s been given shi- _a hard time_ ,’ he quickly corrected himself at the reproachful look on his Mom’s face; ‘by jocks at school who thought he might be. But I didn’t know Alex actually was until recently. So one of the jocks Marshall started earlier about Alex allegedly giving me eyes or whatever, but we were literally just talking in the hall. I stood up for Alex and then Marshall wouldn’t back down and called Alex some really nasty things, so I just lost it and hit him. But Marshall said me and Alex were flirting with each other, and Goldwater believed him until Alex lied and said he has a girlfriend, but Goldwater still got our parents in, obviously. And Alex has told me how scared he is that his parents would react bad if they find out he’s gay, and now they’ve taken him home and you saw how mad his Dad was and I don’t know what to do to help him..’

Luke trailed off, feeling his heartbeat begin to race as his worry took over. His Mom’s hand grabbed at his, holding it firmly as she spoke.

‘Luke, my love. Thank you for trusting us and being honest. We won’t tell anyone, we promise, don’t we, Mitch?’

Luke’s dad nodded as he moved swiftly from his armchair to sit next to his son on the couch.

‘You did the right thing telling us, now if it comes to it we can be prepared to help Alex. I don’t know what we can do about his family, but if it comes to it, Alex will always be welcome here. I’m not going to lie and pretend I didn’t wonder if he might be gay, but it changes nothing as far as I’m concerned, and I’m really proud of you for standing up for him, _even if violence isn’t the way to go_ ,’ Mitch’s tone was gently scolding for the last part, but as Luke looked between his parents, he could see through his watering eyes that their faces were full of empathy.

‘I’m just scared Alex’s dad might hurt him or something,’ Luke murmured softly.

Emily wrapped her son in a warm hug.

‘I’ll tell you what, what if I give Daphne a call later, and I can ask how Alex’s doing? And then if Alex isn’t in school tomorrow, we can go over there?’

‘Y-you’d do that?’

Luke was surprised at the steely determination that had filled his mom’s voice.

‘Of course I would, darling. Alex is such a sweet boy, if he’s in any danger, I’m not going to let that happen'.

Luke felt his tears surging again. His tears became racking sobs, as his father joined the hug on the sofa and his parents did their best to soothe him.

As the Patterson family sat together, they were unaware that at that moment, several streets away, Bobby and Reggie were making their way to the Patterson house.

‘How are we gonna explain why we’re not at school?’ Reggie panted breathlessly.

Bobby winced, willing the stitch he’d developed to pass whilst silently cursing that he hadn’t brought any money to school so they could have gotten a bus.

‘Erm, I’m not sure, dude, but we have to play this cool. We don’t wanna out Alex to Luke or anything, especially if he’s not actually gay after all.’

Reggie nodded, thinking quickly as they rounded a corner, Luke’s street now visible on the horizon.

‘We’ll just say we were worried ‘cos we heard Luke and Alex had been in a fight and then didn’t come back to class?’

Bobby smiled, his face then dropping into a frown as he walked.

‘Perfect. So, anyway. I just wanna say, thanks for letting me come with you. I was worried I might have screwed up after earlier, y’know, the whole ‘cool with it’ thing?’

Reggie paused for a moment.

‘It’s okay, dude. I know you’re all caught up in the jock world, all that toxic masculinity is bound to catch up with you.’

‘Dude, toxic _what_?’

‘Toxic masculinity,’ Reggie said proudly. ‘Lisa Carlton from Sociology was talking to me about it, at least I think that’s what she called it. It’s like how society forces men into stuff that limits their emotions and makes men less able to express themselves healthily. I mean, I think that’s what it means, as I say, you’d have to ask Lisa. She’s really smart about stuff like gender and stuff. Anyway, when you described what it was like to be around the guys from the football team and stuff, it kind of registered to me as sounding like that. So I understand that you’re working through that, I guess.’

Bobby stared at Reggie.

_Damn, I should have picked Sociology instead of Economics. Reggie’s learning real stuff, where I’m just fucking around with budgeting and stuff…_

Before he registered what he was doing, Bobby found himself hugging Reggie tightly, lifting the other boy slightly off the ground. Reggie seemed surprised by the hug, but not unpleasantly, giggling a little as his feet dangled in the air. Bobby dropped Reggie awkwardly, feeling suddenly self-conscious in spite of the empty street.

‘It’s okay dude, you’re doing this, you’re here for Alex, that’s a really good thing, and if you wanna talk about this more, you know where I am,’ Reggie smiled softly at Bobby, a twinge of sadness hitting him as he saw how embarrassed Bobby looked at having hugged him.

Deciding it best not to push things too far, Reggie started walking again, his smile growing as Bobby caught up and smiled back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this, I wasn't sure on how to go about the parent situation, so Luke does tell them Alex is gay (with it being the 90's and an urgent situation I feel Luke would do that, but feel bad for having outed him - later chapters will cover this).
> 
> Also, I'm unsure when toxic masculinity became something people were aware of but I included it as I feel Bobby would be someone who struggled with this.


	13. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reggie, Bobby and Luke gather at the Patterson house.

The moment Bobby knocked on the door of the Patterson’s house, there was a frenzy of activity. Luke bolted towards the door, flinging it open, half expecting it to be Alex on the doorstep. Emily abandoned the dishes she was washing in the kitchen, coming to a halt a short distance behind Luke as she smiled in polite confusion at the two flustered boys on her doorstep.

‘Dude, thank god you’re here!’ Reggie smiled as he threw his arms around Luke in an easy embrace, Bobby standing back, looking slightly uncomfortable as the reality of being there sank in.

Bobby liked being at Luke’s house and he loved Mitch and Emily, but the atmosphere full of easy affection and love only served to remind him just how cold and empty his house was most of the time.

Now, standing there, he began to realise that he and Reggie had made no solid plan of what they were going to do if Luke wasn’t there, or what they’d say to explain why they weren’t at school.

Bobby was thinking of what to say, scrambling for an explanation, when Emily gently wrapped him in a soft hug, which, after a moment of tensing up, Bobby eased into.

Mitch had now arrived from the back yard, and he called out a gentle greeting to the two unexpected visitors as he closed the long-forgotten door hanging open behind them. Luke and Reggie had pulled apart from their hug now, and the three boys made their way over to the sofa.

Emily and Mitch shared a worried look, their long standing fondness for the two boys apparent as Emily offered to make them snacks and drinks, which Reggie eagerly accepted. Bobby felt an overwhelming sensation that he wanted to cry, seeing how kind and welcoming Luke’s mom was, accepting their presence in the house with no questions even with the fact that they should have been in English class now.

Shoving that thought down, Bobby murmured a gentle ‘thank you’ to Emily, watching her eyes twinkle as she smiled softly then turned to start pulling bags of kettle chips out of the cupboard next to the refrigerator. Mitch looked at the boys fondly, where Luke was now explaining the fight that had happened to the other two boys, the two having shared the version of events Marshall had told them.

_I’ve raised a wonderful young man._

Mitch then quietly made his way over to the kitchen, placing bowls on the counter which his wife poured chips into, busying themselves as they attempted to give the boys some privacy.

Luke knew he had to be careful with how he explained himself. He already felt a terrible gnawing feeling in his stomach for telling his parents that Alex was gay, and he hated that that was no longer Alex’s choice.

He’d explicitly promised Alex that telling Bobby and Reggie was on his timescale, no one else’s, and he was determined not to break that promise. As he finished detailing what had happened, pointedly avoiding any mention that Alex was in fact, gay, he frowned as Bobby and Reggie shared a glance.

‘Guys, what is it?’

Bobby spoke first.

‘Me and Reg were talking earlier, and we decided that if there’s any truth to what Marshall was saying, about Alex being gay, we totally support him.’

Reggie nodded quickly, as Luke felt warm relief spreading through his face.

He’d hoped, no, been _sure_ that Reggie would be cool, but Bobby being okay too was a huge relief.

‘I’m sure _if_ it is true, Lex would wanna tell us when he’s ready,’ Luke began carefully, ‘which means we need to create an environment where he feels safe around us to know that if he is gay, he’ll know we’d be there for him. Which means,’ he paused to meet Bobby’s gaze, ‘we need to never say anything that’s homophobic, even if we don’t mean it to be. I’ve been thinking, about when we stood up to Marshall and the guys about them accusing Alex of being gay, we used _ **that word**_ to describe gay people’.

Bobby looked down; shame faced.

‘Yeah, we did, and we were wrong. I don’t know why I even said it, I know I’ve got a lot to make up for though,’ Bobby said, voice wavering as he thought of times when he felt like he’d made remarks like that or gone along with what the jocks said when they were hanging out, standing there, not feeling confident enough to disagree or challenge them.

_Even when you stood up for Alex, you said ugly shit that was no different to what they were calling him…_

‘Sounds to me like you’re on the right track,’ Mitch interrupted softly as he placed two large bowls of chips on the table, followed by cans of soda. Mitch sighed sadly at Bobby’s glassy eyes staring up at him, then headed back to the kitchen after giving the boy a reassuring squeeze of the shoulder.

Reggie spoke now, a mouthful of chips distorting his words

‘So what do we do now?’

‘Mom said she’ll give Alex’s mom a call later and see how things are, then she said if he’s not at school tomorrow she’ll go over there.’

Reggie and Bobby smiled fondly.

Mrs Patterson had always supportive of all the boys, making sure that Luke went to school with extra sandwiches and fruit after she’d found out that things were getting bad at Reggie’s, making a point of always extending an invitation for dinner to Bobby after she’d overheard the boys talking about how long it had been since his family had been home.

When Alex’s anxiety had started to get really bad and his parents hadn’t wanted to send him for therapy in case someone recognised the Mercer family there, it had been Emily who had presented Alex with a small book about breathing exercises she’d found in town, and the two of them had practised them sat at the same sofa the boys now sat at.

She’d always been so kind, and it warmed the boys hearts to know she was still there for them all now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note to say just how grateful I am for the incredibly kind and supportive feedback and comments I've received so far! England is going back into lockdown today and having this fic to work on means a great deal to me as a positive outlet.
> 
> I've just started a tumblr at ghostgay23.tumblr.com, which I plan to use a lot more in this new lockdown, so if any of you wanna follow me there, that's totally cool :D
> 
> I hope you're all doing well, the world is a truly scary place, especially at the moment, so please know that there is love, support, and help out there <3


	14. Struggle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex feels isolated, Emily wonders what became of her friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Internalised homophobia, thoughts of suicide/self-harm.

Alex lay on his bed in a stiff, uncomfortable silence that perfectly matched his posture. Try as he might, he could not get comfortable. Looking over at the alarm clock on his beside cabinet, he groaned quietly at the time displayed in ugly neon lettering.

  
4.30PM

  
How he longed for this day to be at an end, so he could go back to school and try and feel a bit safer. Even with the threat of Marshall and the jocks looming, at least at school there was Luke, Reggie, and Bobby.

  
At least Luke knew who he was, who he truly was. Luke saw the truth of Alex and still wanted to be his friend.

  
_That will all go away if he finds out how you feel about him. How you want to kiss him and touch him and…_

  
Sighing as he pushed those thoughts down, Alex sat up and then looked out of the window. The street below was quiet, the sound of children playing in the distance drifting in through the open window on the light breeze.

  
Alex made his way over to the window, looking down at the garden below.

  
_Maybe you should just jump. A fall from this height would probably do it. Then it’s all over._

  
Alex staggered back, horrified at the thoughts that had crossed his mind. Leaning on the windowsill for support, furiously blinking back tears, Alex saw Trent walking briskly down the street. Trent’s brown hair was perfectly styled, bouncing slightly with each step he took. He was listening to a Walkman, and as he passed the house, he looked up. Seeing Alex in the window, he smiled a pearly smile, waving quickly.

Before he could stop himself, Alex waved back, smiling a little.

  
He was glad Trent couldn’t tell he was crying from that distance. Trent seemed so sure of himself, so happy, so confident in himself, so unlike Alex.

  
_I wish I could be that._

  
_Maybe I **could** **be** one day._

  
As Alex watched Trent disappear into the distance, his thoughts turned back to his friends. He hated that he’d had to leave the school so quickly after the meeting with Principal Goldwater, he wanted to tell Luke he was sorry for getting him caught up in all of this.

Alex said a silent prayer that Luke’s parents weren’t upset that he’d been fighting, and that Luke was okay.

  
He also hoped that Reggie and Bobby weren’t getting suspicious about what was going on. Alex knew how perceptive Reggie could be, and how he’d really fixate on something if it was bothering him.

  
Tomorrow, I will fix this. First thing, I’ll apologise for getting Luke in trouble, then I’ll talk to Reggie and Bobby.

  
_Alex’s thoughts were interrupted by the distant chirping of the house phone, ringing down in the hallway below his room._  
  
Emily Patterson frowned at the dial tone repeating as she waited for an answer at the Mercer household. She glanced over at the trio of boys looking on at her, worry etched onto all their faces. As she was about to hang up, Daphne Mercer’s voice appeared at the other end of the line.

  
‘Mercer residence, Mrs Mercer speaking.’

  
‘Daphne, hello, it’s Emily!’

  
Emily felt as though she could hear Daphne tensing up down the telephone line.

  
‘Hello, Emily. What can I do for you?’

  
Emily’s frown deepened at the stiffness in her friends’ voice.

Any trace of the bright, sugary disposition that she usually associated with Daphne was missing, diluted, and flattened out by the cold tone greeting her.

  
‘I was just calling to check in, see how Alex is doing after everything at school today?’

  
‘Alexander is _fine_ , Emily. Goldwater is clearly unfit for his role as Principal, going around believing baseless, defamatory accusations against my son. I will be bringing it up at the next PTA meeting, if he things he can get away with entertaining suggestions my son might be _like that_ , he is sorely mistaken.'

  
Emily heard the unmistakeable sound of a creaking floorboard, then heard the sharp inhale of breath.

  
‘Alexander, it is impolite to eavesdrop. Clearly you are learning bad habits in that school, perhaps a different school might be better.’

  
Emily’s eyes glistened as she heard Alex apologising, voice hushed but clearly anxious and desperate. Why her friend seemed completely unable to be an advocate for her son’s wellbeing was beyond her.

  
It had frustrated Emily to no end when she had found out that Alex’s parents were unwilling to support him with his anxiety, and now it downright infuriated her to hear the way that her friend was treating him now. Emily remembered when she and Daphne had first met at school, struggling to understand just how she had missed that over the years her bright, spirited friend who would be leading the charge in organising charity fundraisers had gradually changed into a shallow echo of her past self.

  
If she had to put a time to it, she guessed it would have to be around the time that Daphne started spending more time with Michael Mercer, changing congregations to attend his church. Even at the time Emily had thought Michael’s charm seemed disingenuous, that his smile didn’t match his cold eyes.

Still, she had tried her best to be happy for her friend, and things had escalated from there.

  
Snapping herself quickly out of these thoughts, Emily braced herself as she heard Daphne speak, addressing her now.

  
‘Is there anything else you need, Emily? I really must get back to preparing dinner.’

  
‘Could you just let Alex know that Luke, Reggie and Bobby are here, and that they’ll see him at school tomorrow?’

  
The pause on the other end of the line seemed to stretch for an uncomfortable period of time, then Daphne spoke again, sounding frustrated.

  
‘I will do that, goodnight Emily.’

  
‘Than—,’ Emily winced as she heard Daphne hang up the phone.

  
_God, I hope she tells him._

  
Looking back at the boys, who were clamouring for an update on the situation. She sat at the kitchen table, her face filled with sadness as she tried her best to remain positive for the boys.

  
Alex stood, hesitantly on the staircase as his mother ended the call. She turned to him, her face void of any expression.

  
‘As you may have figured out during your eavesdropping, that was Mrs Patterson. She asked me to let you know that Luke, Reginald and Robert are at their house and they will see you at school tomorrow.’

  
Without waiting for acknowledgment or response, Daphne stalked off towards the kitchen. Alex remained stood on the stairs.

  
_They’re checking up on me, so that’s gotta be good?_

  
_But what if Luke has told Bobby and Reggie?_

  
_But he promised he wouldn’t rush me into telling them._

_But what if he changed his mind?_

  
_What if he was mad I got him in trouble?_

  
_What if they all hate me?_

  
Consumed by worry, Alex shot back up the stairs to his room, fingers fumbling with his inhaler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, a bit of a darker one. In this interpretation, Emily and Daphne are two friends who have gone very different ways.


	15. Thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex goes back to school.

Alex woke to the tinny beeping of his alarm clock. Through bleary eyes he made out the time.

6:50AM

_Great._

Kicking his duvet off and silencing the alarm, Alex sat up, the realisation that yesterday wasn’t a twisted dream sinking in with a dull thud, spreading through his body as he tried to move.

He knew he had to get moving if he was going to be on time for school, their school having a strict policy of being there by 8.15 in home room or face being marked as absent.

Alex stumbled wearily to his wardrobe, flicking through the hangers until he settled on a dark maroon sweatshirt and black pants. Quickly finding underwear and socks out of the chest of drawers, Alex made his way to the bathroom.

He quickly showered in grim silence, trying to calm his nerves about the day ahead. He’d usually sing to himself quietly as he showered to help him remain calm, but today his voice felt too trapped, too small, like it did not dare make a sound.

The evening before had been filled with agonizing silence, eating dinner at the dining table in a suffocating haze, the only sound being clattering cutlery pushing food around the plates as everyone in his family seemed to have decided not to risk making any conversation. The only words had happened at the start of the meal, when Alex and his mother had bowed their heads to listen solemnly to the prayer Michael Mercer said, and then at the end of the meal, Alex’s father spoke again to dismiss his son from the table.

Alex had expected, after the conversation in his father’s study, for the tension to have eased up and things to have possibly improved. After all, he had lied and said he would try and date, so he was doing what his father wanted, surely?

Unless someone saw him wave at Trent.

Or maybe his Mom had told his father about him listening in to her phone conversation.

Alex had done his best to distract himself for the rest of the evening with homework assignments that had been set, staring blankly at the words on the paper until they dissolved into blurs, then he had clambered into bed around ten, silently praying for a better day tomorrow.

_That better day doesn’t seem to have come._

Alex wheezed as he dried off, changing into his clothes quickly so he could get back to his room and get his inhaler and bag. Below he could hear the faint sound of his parents in the hallway. He heard his father’s curt goodbye to his wife and the door shutting firmly behind him, then his mother’s heels clicking away back towards the kitchen.

Alex looked at his messy hair, and his flushed face in his bedroom mirror, before sighing again as he heaved his heavy rucksack onto his back, puffing on his inhaler quickly before shoving it into his fanny pack. He felt the jangling as the inhaler bounced around in the pack, clinking as it made contact with the pink triangle pin. Alex smiled slightly to himself, willing today to be okay, then set off downstairs.

His stomach growled at him in displeasure as he put on his shoes, then slipped out of the front door before his mother could come out of the kitchen.

The walk to school was not too far, and it was mostly downhill from here which helped carry Alex along. Lost in thought, Alex only really stopped hurrying to check the streets were clear before crossing swiftly and found himself walking towards the entrance of the school with five minutes to spare. Alex seized the moment to catch his breath, stepping to the side of the concrete pathway as other kids bustled past him.

A hand clapped down firmly on his shoulder, and Alex jerked his head round, expecting it to be Marshall or one of his team-mates.

His eyes wide, he looked at Reggie, Bobby, and Luke.

‘Sorry, Lex.’ Bobby murmured, looking down sheepishly as he withdrew his hand from Alex’s shoulder.

‘I didn’t mean to startle you. We were calling your name for at least thirty seconds as we walked up.’

Alex blushed, feeling embarrassed that he’d been so out of it that he hadn’t heard them.

‘It’s okay, Bobby. I’m just not really fully awake.’

‘Was everything okay last night? Did your Mom tell you Emily called your house? We’ve been so worried!’

Alex felt a tingle of warmth in his heart as Reggie spoke, mile a minute.

He looked at the three boys staring back at him, all looking at him with concern.

God, I hope they all still wanna be around me after I tell them.

‘So, Alex, do you think you can come over after school? We can all hang out?’ Luke said, looking like he thought Alex would refuse.

‘Sure, I guess. I’ll have to call my Mom though and let her know where I am?’ Alex replied, cringing at how his voice cracked when he spoke.

Luke smiled, practically bouncing on his heels.

‘Of course, dude!’

Alex grinned at his friends, his smile dropping as he noticed Reggie’s face filling with worry.

‘You okay, Reg?’

Reggie blinked at him.

‘We’re gonna be late for home room, let’s walk and talk?’ Reggie said, staring up at the clock tower.

The four boys hurried towards the school, and made it to their home room with seconds to spare, delayed slightly by Reggie very nearly wiping out after tripping over his feet. They fell into the desks at the back of the room, and, as Alex looked across at his friends, he felt so grateful to have these friends in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my favourite chapter, but it's here, I guess.


	16. Wall in My Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex misinterprets something and freaks out.

The rest of the morning had gone relatively smoothly, and Alex found himself relaxing slightly as Math drifted by uneventfully, focussing more as English class began. He loved English, throwing himself wholeheartedly into books was a great distraction from the complications of his real life.

Their teacher was launching a new assignment that day, Arthur Miller’s _The Crucible_. Copies of the play were passed back from the front, and as soon as the battered copy that would be his was in his hands Alex flipped it over to read the back cover, his breath hitching slightly as he noted that it was about witches.

‘I better not tell my parents about this, they’ll be storming the school demanding Miss Gardner’s head.’ Alex whispered softly to Luke at the next desk over. Luke laughed sharply, grateful for the general murmur of noise from the rest of the students.

Miss Gardner was one of the more lenient teachers they had, seeming to interpret the hum of chatter filling the classroom as enthusiasm for the new assignment. Despite his sorrow when Miss Murray had had to leave, Alex had really grown fond of Miss Gardner, with her swirling handwriting giving feedback on his papers always full of warm encouragement.

Earlier in the school year they’d had to write a poem about something they cared about, and Alex could still recall how reluctant he’d been to hand over his piece about his friends. He’d worried that her kindness would be replaced by a sharp cackling laughter at his effort, or that she’d humiliate him by reading it out or something equally cruel. Instead, he had been given it back by her on the way out of class the week after, a neon yellow tab of paper clipped to it.

_‘Alexander, this is incredibly sweet. The way you articulated how much your friends mean to you is excellent. I’m sure they think they are equally lucky to have such a wonderful friend. – A*’_

Alex had felt his eyes wet with tears of happiness and relief as he had folded the paper carefully and then stowed it in his rucksack, treasuring the kind words. Miss Gardner spoke now, the hum of chatter fading slightly.

‘Class, I’d like you to split into groups of four and have a discussion about what you expect this play to be about, and what themes you expect us to encounter within. I’ll make my way around and check how you’re doing.’

The room filled with the scraping of chair legs on tile as the rest of the class became a frenzy of forming groups. Alex counted his blessings that he already had three people to work with, and turned to look down the row at Reggie, Bobby and Luke grinning back at him.

‘So, it’s about witch hunts, I guess… so themes might be… witches?’ Reggie murmured hesitantly.

‘I think that’s likely, yeah.’ Bobby said, not unkindly.

‘Maybe, it’s like about witch hunts but in more of a metaphorical way? Like how people target people who are different?’ Luke spoke, hesitantly. His eyes darted around the group and Alex felt a pang of sadness for how hesitant Luke seemed in his own knowledge, how his friend seemed to fear being ridiculed if he got it wrong.

Alex spoke, eager to reassure his friend. ‘That could be it, definitely. I mean, when was it written?’

Reggie flicked to the front pages of his copy.

‘1953! I don’t know why I expected it to be older than that.’

‘So it could be about something from the fifties that people did like a witch hunt?’ ventured Bobby. ‘Like racists going after black people or like gay people or something. Which is obviously fucked up.’ Bobby finished, keenly aware of the three boys staring at him.

Alex was confused.

_Bobby said it’s wrong to go after gay people. I thought he hated people like… me. Has he figured it out? Is this a trap? ‘_

Of course it’s fucked up,’ murmured Reggie. ‘There’s nothing wrong with people being gay.’

Alex caught the way Reggie’s eyes met his when he said that.

_They know._

_Did Luke tell them?_

_He promised._

_He said it would be when I was ready…_

Glaring at his friend, Alex took in the fearful expression dawning on Luke’s face.

‘Alex…’

There was a loud bang as Alex stood up, his desk chair clattering to the floor behind him. The room fell silent as Alex was acutely aware of everyone staring at him.

Alex stormed out, oblivious to Miss Murray’s concerned face as she tried to silently assess what had happened. Luke stood and made to leave, halting as Miss Murray spoke calmly, a firmness present in her tone.

‘Reggie, would you go and check on Alexander, would you? Everyone else back to work.'

Luke hesitated, relenting as Reggie hurried out of the room in the direction Alex had hurried off. Meanwhile, Alex was staggering down the hallway, his vision spiralling and his eyes filled with furious tears. He slammed the door to the boys bathroom open, throwing a cubicle door open then locking it behind him. Sliding down the wall of the cubicle, Alex couldn’t stop the sobs that came.

_How could Luke have told them? He promised he wouldn’t._

Regret started to fill Alex’s thoughts. He knew he shouldn’t have left the class like that, knowing now everyone would be talking about it, and by extension him.

Maybe Luke will tell all of them too.

Over his desperate sobbing, Alex barely registered the clunk of the bathroom door opening, nor the sound of boots approaching the cubicles.

He did acknowledge the hesitant three knocks on the door. He knew that soft knocking well, having heard it on the worst nights, when things got really bad at Reggie’s and the boy found himself at Alex’s.

Those were always the worst situations, when Reggie found himself running with only enough strength to go to the nearest house, Alex’s. Reggie always pretended he didn’t notice the saccharine insincerity of the ‘Christian charity’ Mrs Mercer would extend to him, the falseness in even sharper contrast when Alex would appear at the doorway, full of genuine care and concern for his friend.

Hearing those three knocks now, Alex cried even harder.

_If Reggie doesn’t wanna be around me cos of this, he’s gonna lose a safe place to run to. I’m messing up his life too._

‘Alex, please.’ The voice was soft, a timid sound against the guttural sobs of the blonde boy in the cubicle. Then the three knocks came again, harder, more desperate this time.

‘Reggie, don’t. I get it if you don’t wanna see me again, just please, leave me alone.’

Alex was not prepared for what came next. There was a loud sigh of frustration, then the door to the cubicle next to him creaked open. Then, a series of grunts and shuffling sounds followed, before, to Alex’s shock, Reggie was looking down on him for the next cubicle, his face red and his brows furrowed with confusion. ‘

What the hell, dude? Why wouldn’t I wanna see you again? What’s going on?’

Even in his confusion, Alex found his response laced with sarcasm.

‘Sure you don’t know. Like Luke didn’t already tell you I’m gay.’

Reggie smiled gently.

‘Luke didn’t tell me anything, dude. _You_ just did.’

Alex gawped up at his friend, who was clinging to the wall of the cubicle.

‘But… why the hell were you all talking about gays in class then?’

‘Me and Bobby were worried about you. Marshall told us that you were checking out Luke or something and that’s why there was the fight between them. Next thing we know, you and Luke are nowhere at school, so we go to Luke’s and we all talked about stuff. Luke didn’t tell us anything, we all just agreed that if, and only if, you were gay, we’d all be here for you.’

Alex felt his face redden, embarrassment setting in as he stared up at Reggie.

‘So, you’re ok with it?’

Reggie scoffed.

‘Of course I am, I’d be a pretty shitty person if I wasn’t.’

Alex felt his legs tremble as he got up from the floor, cringing now as the thought of just how many germs he must have been sat in. Unbolting the door to the cubicle, he shakily looked into the next cubicle.

He couldn’t stop himself from laughing at the sight of Reggie, his boots teetering on the edge of the porcelain toilet basin he had perched on to look over into Alex’s cubicle.

‘Reggie, get down, you’ll fall if you’re not careful!’

Reggie grinned as he jumped down, the impressiveness of his athleticism being slightly undermined by his one boot skidding on a wet patch on the floor. Undaunted, Reggie threw his arms around Alex, a gesture that was eagerly reciprocated.

Breaking apart from their embrace, Alex beamed at his friend.

‘Thanks, Reg.’

‘Don’t thank me, it’s what any decent person would do,’ Reggie smiled, his face falling a bit as something Alex had said crossed his mind. ‘So does Luke know? You said you thought he’d told.’

Alex sighed.

‘I told Luke, yeah, then he promised me it would be on my own terms to tell you and Bobby. When you all were talking about gay stuff earlier, I guess I freaked out and thought he’d told you.’

Reggie patted his friend on the shoulder, his face full of understanding.

‘Well, I can promise you, he didn’t say a word. But I’m really glad you told me, even if it was in this bathroom.’

Alex grimaced at the run-down bathroom they stood in.

_Not the finest place to come out, but it went so well._

The two boys stood at the sinks, Alex now frantically scrubbing his hands, horrified that he’d been sat on the floor of a school bathroom.

‘Do you think Luke will be mad at me for thinking he told?’

‘I’m sure he’ll be okay, he was really worried when you walked out.’

Alex frowned.

‘I don’t think I can go back to class, Reg. Not after everyone saw me storm off.’

‘What if I go back, say you’re sick or something. I could get your stuff and then we could skip classes for the rest of the day?’

Alex hesitated. He’d already missed half a day of classes after yesterday. Looking at Reggie, smiling winningly at him, he relented.

‘Okay. Maybe we could talk more about... y’know?’

‘Of course we can, maybe we can get the others to skip too?’

Alex agreed, the thought of having to tell Bobby still in the back of his mind.

_Still, Reggie had said they’d all agreed they’d be there for him, so things couldn’t be too bad, surely?_

Reggie promised to go get his stuff, then slipped out of the bathroom, leaving Alex staring at his reflection in the slightly scratched mirror above the sinks.

Alex chose to ignore the damp tear marks on his maroon sweatshirt, instead staring at his face. The fear that had constantly consumed it for as long as he could remember seemed less present, a pleasant look of relief there instead.

‘I want to love you,’ he murmured quietly to himself. ‘I’m gonna really try.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this house we stan Reggie and a supportive Bobby.   
> Poor Alex and Luke though, I hope that it is understandable why Alex's fear and anxiety caused him to misinterpret things and fear Luke had exposed him.
> 
> Also, in my headcanon Alex's house is one that is in the streets above the beach where Reggie's house is, and this only adds to the Mercer's disdain for their son's friend from the less well off neighbourhood.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)


	17. I'll Stand By You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miss Murray takes action.

Reggie soon returned to find Alex stood outside the bathroom. Reggie passed the blonde boy his bag, and the two were about to leave when a voice called gently down the corridor.

‘Alexander, can I have a quick chat with you before you go home?’

_Miss Murray._

Alex glanced fearfully at the teacher, then back at Reggie, who smiled reassuringly. Taking a deep breath, Alex walked to where his favourite teacher had stopped. She smiled at the blonde, lips pursed as she took in his red eyes.

‘Reggie tells me you’re not well. I’ve said he can escort you home, I’ll sort things out. Don’t worry, I’ll sort out getting your registration marked at your next classes and I’m not going to tell your family you’re not here,’ she said quickly, noting the look of worry melting off Alex’s face at these words.

Miss Murray had had the displeasure of meeting Mr and Mrs Mercer only once at a Parents Evening, where they had sat with her and had made her feel slightly suffocated.

She had met her fair share of overinvolved and overbearing parents in her time teaching, but few had the unpleasant energy she’d felt with the Mercer’s. It felt to her that Michael Mercer had little interest in his son’s gift for English, but more that he had been actively looking for failings and ways his son had disappointed him.

At that moment, she had decided she would look out for the boy as much as her position allowed her to, and she was always quick to support Alex with feedback and encouragement on assignments, enjoying seeing him visibly relax after his hard work paid off.

Alex now thanked her profusely, apologising for running out of her class.

‘Don’t worry about it, okay? Reggie’s got your copy of _The Crucible_ and I’m more than confident that Bobby and Luke can catch you up on the content the class discussed after you had to leave. You just look after yourself? If you ever need to talk, you know where my office is.’

Alex nodded, his watery eyes meeting her gaze, and Miss Murray took note of the gratitude and relief in his face. She watched the two boys walk off, a wave of sadness hitting her and making her feel useless.

She was a very observant woman, and had noticed the regular pattern of days when Reggie would look more tired than usual, and the way his friends would rally around him, Alex’s eyes always filled with worry for his friend that was reflected in those of Luke and Bobby. Miss Murray felt reassured knowing that the four boys always seemed to have each other to lean on, and as she headed back to her classroom for what was left of the lesson, she decided she needed to keep all of this out of Principal Goldwater’s focus.

She had never liked the man, he always seemed to feel inconvenienced when he had to focus on anything but the school’s academic records or the progress of the sports teams. Whenever she had to speak to him, she always felt as though the older man was looking down on her with contempt, as though his higher salary and position automatically rendered him superior.

_What an unpleasant little man._

Returning to her classroom to find the room full of easy chatter which seemed, mostly, to be about the task she had set before leaving after Reggie, she decided on a plan of action.

‘Class, if I may have your attention please?’ She smiled as the class settled down, before continuing. ‘I think we’ll leave _The Crucible_ for today, for your homework I’d like it if you would write a short paragraph about what you think will happen in the play. The more creative, the better. You’re free to go now, I’ll check your homework next lesson.’

There was a loud murmur of activity, as copies of books were shoved into bags and chairs scraped on the tiles and the class began making their way out, a few students pausing briefly to say goodbye to Miss Murray.

Bobby and Luke had stayed back, making their way up to the front of the room as Miss Murray scribbled something onto a piece of paper. Luke cleared his throat as they reached her desk, and Miss Murray looked up, a knowing smile on her face.

‘Alexander wasn’t in a place to be going to classes, so I instructed him and Reggie to take the rest of the day off. I think maybe you two should also take the rest of the day off, go be with your friends?’

Bobby gawped at the woman in shock, amazed that she would suggest such a thing.

Luke stammered.

‘T-thank you, I guess? Is, is, Alex okay?’

Miss Murray exhaled softly.

‘I don’t know what is going on, but I have an idea. I have seen a similar sort of situation to this before. Whether I’m right or not, I do know you boys are good friends, and I think that’s going to be really needed right now.’

Luke nodded, and as Bobby called a quick ‘thank you’ to her, Miss Murray watched the two boys hurry out of the room. She picked the piece of paper up off her desk and hurried off to the school administration office, to sort out the registers for the rest of the classes the four boys had that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miss Murray is a good teacher, and her distaste for Principal Goldwater is very appropriate.


	18. Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The four boys get off school grounds, Luke confesses to Alex that he told Emily and Mitch.

Reggie and Alex stood outside the school, the bright Spring sunshine beaming down on them. Alex felt his breathing calming fully for the first time in hours. There was a pleasant breeze flittering through the trees, and Reggie had suggested they wait a while for Alex to calm himself before they headed for wherever they were going to go.

Alex’s house was out of the question, as Daphne would be there and that would only open an exhausting line of questioning about why they weren’t at school. Reggie had quietly suggested going to his house, but the possibility of his mom also being at home, still hungover and resentful limited their chances of feeling safe there.

‘We could just hang somewhere until school’s over, then go to Luke’s or Bobby’s?’ Alex suggested, seeing how hesitant Reggie was at the prospect of going back to his. Any further discussion was cut off by the sound of footsteps descending the stone steps behind them, and as they turned to the source of the noise they were met by Bobby bounding over, closely followed by Luke. Bobby settled for a casual wave at the two.

‘Hey guys. Miss Murray said for us to ditch the rest of the day and hang with you two, how cool is that?’

Alex did not miss the slight frown tainting Bobby’s smile, and realised how confused Bobby must be about everything if Luke truly hadn’t said anything.

‘Yeah, she’s really great.’ Alex said, and meant it. He felt so grateful that Miss Murray had clearly seen how much he was struggling and had been kind to get him out of going through the rest of the day.

‘How about we go hang somewhere, then we can talk?’ Alex continued hesitantly, smiling at Luke in a way that he hoped conveyed all it needed to until the two could talk alone.

_I was wrong. I thought you outed me. I should have known you wouldn’t. I’m sorry._

Luke seemed reassured by Alex’s smile at least, meeting it with a slight smile of his own in return.

‘We can go to mine?’ Bobby said brightly. ‘It’s not like my parents will be in.’

The other three boys agreed quickly, and the four left the school grounds and walked towards Bobby’s house.

Bobby lived closest to the school of all the boys, which did not prevent him from often being the last one to get there. Alex figured it must be really hard for Bobby, who had to parent himself for as long as he had known, with his grandparents living out of town and coming in on weekends and whenever they could to look after him in a way his Mom and Dad didn’t seem to.

As they walked, Bobby and Reggie talking animatedly about music as they took the lead, Luke and Alex hung back a few steps. It was an uneasy silence that fell between them, and Alex soon couldn’t stand it.

‘Luke, I’m really sorry, okay? Just you were all talking and then they were talking about gay stuff and everyone was looking at me and I panicked, I thought you’d told them.’

‘Alex, I didn’t, I promise, just—’

‘I know, I know you didn’t. Reg told me that after I’d outed myself to him’

‘What?!’

‘It’s fine, Luke. You were right, Reggie took it really well.’

Luke grinned. ‘I told you he would!’

‘I’m gonna tell Bobby when we get to his.’

‘Dude, you sure? You don’t have to if you’re not ready..’

Alex gulped. ‘No, no. I want to, I want to be honest.’

Luke smiled, then his smile dropped as he looked down at his shoes awkwardly.

‘I have to be honest, Alex. Please, please don’t hate me after I tell you..’

The two stopped walking, Reggie and Bobby obliviously walking on ahead.

‘What is it, Luke? I won’t hate you.’

Luke let out a shuddering breath at the sight of Alex looking at him.

_Kind, sweet Alex, who had looked so crushed when he thought I told the others. He’s gonna hate me._

Averting his gaze, Luke mumbled softly. ‘I told my parents.’

Alex grabbed the boy by the shoulder, and Luke winced in sadness and shame as he saw the worry return to the blonde’s face.

‘W-why? When? What did they say?!’

Alex was speaking quickly now, his hands starting to shake.

‘I told them the night after the fight with Marshall. I didn’t want to, believe me. But I was worried your Dad was gonna hurt you and I told them, so they’d know why I was so worried. My Mom and Dad are cool with it, they said you’ll always be welcome at our house. I’m just so sorry I told, but please believe me I didn’t do it to hurt you, I’d never want to hurt you.’

Alex stared at the teary eyes and trembling lip of his friend as he struggled to take it in.

‘I thought my Dad might hurt me too.’

The words escaped Alex’s mouth before he realised, his face flushing with embarrassment as the reality of what he had said sank in. Luke looked at Alex, hating seeing his friend so clearly afraid.

Alex threw his arms around Luke, and the two boys held on to each other like a life preserver in a storm. When they finally parted, Bobby and Reggie were running back towards them, having now realised the others had stopped following. Realising they were short on time, Alex spoke quickly.

‘I understand, Luke. I get that you were worried for my safety and that’s why you told. I wish it hadn’t happened but at least they’re okay with me being me. You’re still my best friend Luke, this doesn’t change it.’

Luke wiped his face, his eyes still red and bleary as Reggie and Bobby drew closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shorter chapter, but I hope you like it.
> 
> I liked the idea of Luke being honest about having told his parents, it feels like something that Luke would regret having done even though his intentions were good.


	19. Don't Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby worries, then he and Alex talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Mild language

Reggie and Bobby had turned at the top of Bobby’s street, realising too late that the other boys had stopped. Reggie squinted, his face falling as he realised.

‘Bobby, Luke’s crying.’

_Shit._

Bobby felt sick. He hated seeing his friends in this much pain. He felt useless, not for the first time. It drove him crazy to see how poorly Reggie’s parents treated him, and how his own parents didn’t seem to see a problem with leaving him alone for weeks at a time, without any contact, forcing his Mom’s parents to have to come and keep an eye on him even with their own health problems. He hated realising now just how much Alex was clearly in deep turmoil, and he couldn’t stand seeing his friends struggling so much.

He didn’t know what he could do to help, not wanting to overstep and pressure Alex, but desperately wanting and wishing he could fix this.

A quick glance at Reggie confirmed that similar thoughts were flooding his mind. The two hurried back down the street, slowing slightly as they saw Alex embracing Luke.

‘That has to be good, right? Whatever’s happening, Alex doesn’t seem upset with Luke.’ Reggie murmured softly.

Luke had spent the remainder of their English class looking like he’d shatter if Bobby had touched him, the only time he had spoken being to try and find out if Alex was okay when Reggie had momentarily returned. Reggie’s answer had been vague, just saying that he ‘would be’ and it had not done much to settle Luke’s obvious nerves.

Bobby hadn’t wanted to intrude, so he had settled into the uncomfortable quiet that followed Reggie’s departure, closely followed by Miss Murray heading out of the room. Bobby found himself staring blankly at the pages of _The Crucible_ , feeling none the wiser about the play or what was going on with his best friends. Now, Bobby was fed up.

‘Do you know what’s up, Reg? I’m starting to feel like I’m being left out of something here.’ Reggie turned to Bobby, sympathetically patting Bobby’s arm and feeling proud of his friend for barely flinching.

Reggie felt bad for Bobby, the last boy to join their friendship group, now clearly feeling left out, and with good reason.

‘Just, give it time, okay, Bobby? I’m sure they’ll tell us what’s going on when we get to yours.’ Reggie silently exhaled as Bobby seemed to accept that, now calling back to the others.

‘We’re gonna go ahead and order a pizza or something, you guys catch us up when you’re ready. The door will be unlocked.’

With that, Bobby started walking back up the street towards his house, any further discussion of things with Luke and Alex quickly replaced by assuring Reggie that he could have whatever topping he wanted on his pizza. As they talked, Bobby could hear the two boys racing to hurry up, conversation about Alex not having had breakfast filling the air behind him as they arrived at Bobby’s house.

Bobby’s house was large, modern and ugly. Set back off the street with a square driveway, the house was clinical, stiff and stark. To Alex it always felt a bit like his Dad’s study had expanded and grown to cover a whole house, but the key difference was the warmth that Bobby radiated, filling his house with.

Where Michael Mercer’s study was a real embodiment of the cold man it belonged to, Bobby radiated warmth and pleasantness that stood out from the grey and blue home he lived in. Sure, Bobby never wanted to hug or be physically affectionate like Reggie and Luke were happy being, but Alex felt safer in this moment with Bobby than he did with his father.

_How messed up is that? If your father’s cold and distant now, what’s he going to be like when he finds out that you are exactly what he hates?_

‘Earth to Alex, any life in there?’

Alex flinched as he realised that Bobby was talking to him, a hand slowly waving back and forth in front of his face.

‘S-sorry, man. I was just… I don’t know… thinking, I guess.’ Alex relaxed as he saw Bobby smile at him, clearly deciding not to push any further.

‘Make yourself comfortable, okay? I’m gonna find the menus for Hannigan’s.’

Hannigan’s was the pizzeria a couple of streets away, and Bobby had become a regular customer, phoning at least once a week, clutching the credit card his parents had left him with in his hand like he was scared it would vanish if he let it out of his grip. Bobby was glad his parents had left him some form of money to spend in their absence, and he had proved himself to be responsible with the card, only buying food and essentials with it.

He wouldn’t pretend that it didn’t feel bad to know his parents cared enough that he didn’t starve, but not enough to be a regular presence in his life. Still, he had his Nana and Pops, and he cherished their time in the city as much as he could, always aware that Pops wasn’t doing too great, the pains in his spine always a looming problem.

Now, rifling through the pile of takeout menus in the kitchen counter drawer, he was aware that he was no longer alone. Turning gently, he tried not to jump as he saw Alex stood near him, looking down at his shoes.

He could hear Reggie and Luke’s voices wafting in from the lounge area, where they were discussing takeout, Luke’s disdain for Reggie’s insistence on having pineapple on his pizza loud and clear.

Looking at Alex, who was still avoiding his gaze and seemed to be waiting for a response, Bobby took a deep breath.

_Be here for your friend, man. Help him. You can do this._

‘Hey Alex, you wanna sit for a minute?’ Alex met his gaze and Bobby pretended not to see the tears welling in his eyes.

Nodding timidly, Alex sat at the stools on the kitchen island, and Bobby moved to sit next to him, the Hannigan’s menu discarded on the counter. The two boys sat for a few moments, and Bobby listened to his friend’s breathing settling down again.

Then Alex spoke, his voice hushed, the words measured as though he’d been preparing them.

‘Bobby, I’m really glad you’re my friend, and I hope what I’m going to tell you doesn’t change anything.’

_Here we go. Even if it’s not what you’re expecting, be supportive. It’s clearly taking him a lot to say this._

‘I’m sure it won’t change things; you can tell me anything. I mean it.’ Bobby replied, his voice thick with conviction.

‘Thanks,’ Alex said, his voice wavering now as his lips trembled. Bobby smiled at Alex, trying to show him he was supportive, even as he felt a jolt of nausea seeing Alex’s eyes darting around the room.

It reminded Bobby of a nature programme he’d had playing on the lounge TV once, just to break up the silence in the empty house. He’d been half paying attention as he ate, his attention only picking up as he watched with a sad revulsion as the documentary detailed a small zebra being cornered by a group of lions, then frantically making a run for it but ultimately being captured and ripped apart.

Looking at Alex now reminded him of that zebra, Alex looking as though he was trying to make a plan for a quick escape if he needed.

_Is he that afraid of me?_

‘Bobby, I-, I’m, I’m, gay.’ As soon as Alex finished speaking, Bobby knew exactly what he needed to do. For Alex and for himself.

_No more being afraid of being too physical with the guys, no more bullshit. Fuck that._

Bobby threw his arms around Alex, smiling to himself as he felt Alex reciprocate. He listened sadly to the sound of his friend sobbing, every sob rocking his body, and, unsure of what to say to make things better, he clung to Alex, vaguely aware of his own tears spilling from his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bobby is a good guy, damnit. Without wanting to spoil much, the house he currently lives is not forever.


	20. Me and the Boys in the Band

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys hang out, a band is born.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: discussion of slurs.

‘Bobby… say something.’ Alex was staring at him now, having pulled back from the hug with his hands now resting on Bobby’s shoulders.

There was the fear again, Alex’s face tight with worry.

‘A-Alex. I’m proud of you, man. You’re like a brother to me. I’m not gonna lie and pretend I haven’t seen things or noticed things that made me wonder if you might be, but I was too wrapped up in my own shit to be a good friend to you.’

Alex’s brows furrowed.

‘You’ve been a good friend, Bobby. You’re great. You stood up for me when Marshall and the guys were picking on me, even though they’re your friends too.’

‘Not anymore.’ Bobby said confidently. ‘I don’t wanna be friends with people who are bullies. I should have stopped hanging out with them the moment I realised what shitty people they are, it’s just, hard, you know. My Dad barely bothers with me apart from a phone call every few months when he remembers I exist and when I told I was friends with guys from the team he actually sounded like he cared, for once. But the way they talk about people, the shit they say about you, it’s not okay. I know I really fucked things up to when I said the ‘f word’, and I’ll never say it again, I promise. But I swear to you Alex, if they do anything to you or say anything again, I’ll stop them.’

Alex looked at the sincere face staring back at his.

‘When you said that word, when you said that I wasn’t that, it really hurt me, but even more so because I was scared that you’d hate me when you found out they were right about me being that. But you’re doing great, I was scared to tell you and I’m glad I did now. I just wanted to be honest with you guys, even though I’ll never be able to tell my parents, and it feels good to be telling the truth.’

Bobby grinned at Alex. ‘I’m glad you told me, dude. Promise me that if anyone’s giving you shit or if you just wanna talk about it, you know you can talk to me, okay?’

Alex nodded, and the two boys hugged again.

‘Where’s that pizza menu?’

‘Reggie, I swear to God I said to give them a minute.’

Alex and Bobby turned to see Reggie and Luke stood in the kitchen doorway, Luke looking cautious and Reggie beaming at the sight of the two embracing.

‘Aw, look at our Bobbers, really shattering that toxic masculinity.’ Reggie teased lightly.

‘If you call me _Bobbers_ again, the only thing that will be toxic is the pizza you’ll be getting.’ Bobby muttered, his face red with embarrassment at the bizarre nickname.

Luke grabbed the menu off the counter, throwing it at Reggie, who immediately began scanning it.

‘You guys okay?’ Luke murmured quietly.

‘We’re really good. I just came out to Bobby.’ Alex replied softly, a small smile on his face. Luke’s eyes widened, and he stared between the two.

‘Let’s celebrate, Alex, you can get whatever pizza you want. Same for you, Luke.’ Bobby smiled, precisely grabbing the menu back from Reggie’s hands.

‘What about me?’ Reggie pouted.

‘You, my friend, get nothing.’ Bobby retorted quickly.

‘That’s what you get for calling him Bobbers.’ Alex smirked as Reggie’s eyes were wide in mock indignation. They both knew Bobby would never follow through on his threat to let Reggie go without.

The four boys then spent the next few minutes coordinating a hefty pizza order, which Bobby called in. Reggie got to have exactly what he wanted on his pizza, a combination of anchovies, pineapple and salami that Alex crinkled his nose up at.

The boys ate and talked openly, Alex filling the three in on his fears of his parents finding out, then proudly showing Bobby and Reggie the pink triangle pin that Luke had gotten him.

Bobby spoke about his fears, that his Pops might get really sick again and about his previous fear of being too physically affectionate or of being too emotionally needy.

Reggie admitted that he was scared his parents might end up killing each other, and Luke quietly revealed that he dreamt of forming a band with the four guys, inseparable and free of everything that troubled them.

‘So why don’t we do it?’ Bobby said abruptly.

‘Do what, man?’

‘Start a band. We’d probably suck at first, but I bet we could do something if we put our minds to it.’ Bobby replied.

‘I always wanted to learn an instrument, but my parents would never have been able to afford it,’ Reggie said sadly.

‘I’ve got Dad’s old instruments upstairs in the attic, it’s not like he’s ever here to play them or notice they’re gone.’

So, the four headed to the attic, the one part of Bobby’s house where the cold minimalism hadn’t stretched. After some time spent rifling through boxes of old Christmas decorations, Bobby let out a satisfied yelp as he yanked back a white sheet, revealing what they were looking for.

A few guitars, untouched for years, a bass and a drum kit. A smaller box revealed a few microphones, and Reggie soon tripped over an amp, hidden in the gloom of the dusty attic. The boys then carefully brought the stuff down into what Bobby sneeringly called the ‘activity room’, an empty room that had been left without purpose after his parents started travelling more.

Luke looked at home with a guitar in hand, as did Bobby. Reggie expressed an interest in the bass guitar and Alex was happy to find himself gravitating towards the drums.

_The rhythm might help calm me down._

‘You could always sing sometimes too, ‘Lex’, Bobby had said quietly to the blonde as they set up the drums. ‘I’ve heard you sing when we’ve been at church together and you’ve got a beautiful voice.’

‘M-maybe. I’ll think about it.’ Alex said, feeling a little self-conscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a lighter chapter, but here it is.


	21. Fall Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex gets ambushed on the way to school, Bobby steps in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Assault, homophobic bullying, homophobic language, slurs, violence.

The next day, Alex walked to school feeling different. He felt lighter in himself, like his body wasn’t weighing him down as much. He knew he’d still have to face Marshall, and he was fully aware he couldn’t start being completely open to the world about his sexuality, but knowing he had the support of his three best friends made things seem so much easier than they had before.

The boys had messed around with Bobby’s fathers’ instruments for a couple of hours, and Bobby had been correct in his assumption they would suck initially. But even after a couple of hours of trying things they all agreed they had made an improvement and agreed they should keep trying to learn.

It felt natural to them, and as Alex sat as the drums, it seemed to him that this was something he had been missing from his life without even knowing it.

After school would have ended, Alex called his house, quietly relieved when it was his Mom who had answered. She had agreed that Alex could hang out at Bobby’s, so long as he was home by ten, which Alex thought was very generous of her.

So, they had continued to hang out and chill, and Alex felt more authentically himself with the three boys than he had in years. There was no longer any need to consider or measure his responses in conversation to avoid letting slip anything that could have caused them to realise his secret, everything was out in the open now, and for the better.

Well, _almost_ everything.

He wasn’t going to say anything about his feelings for Luke, feeling sure that he’d rather have Luke as his friend and nothing more than risk losing that friendship.

Things felt good for Alex, and as he went to leave Bobby’s at half nine to begin walking home, he found himself enveloped in a huge embrace by the other three boys, smiling broadly to himself as he heard Bobby quickly murmur ‘I love you, man’ into his hair as they hugged.

Alex had got home with five minutes to spare, and after making thankfully brief small talk about school with his Mom, he’d been excused to go up to bed, where he had slept better than he could remember, his chest light and his dreams pleasant.

Now approaching the school, Alex felt a little tingle of anxiety beginning in his chest, so he paused in the leafy side street to have a quick puff on his inhaler and, zipping it back into his fanny pack, tried to settle down. He closed his eyes to focus on his breathing, forcing them open when he became aware of someone in his personal space.

_Marshall._

_Oh, crap._

Marshall was stood directly in front of him, far too close for Alex’s comfort, sneering at him. Behind Marshall Alex could see Cole and Peter, two equally unpleasant members of the team, each with their own look of disgust on their faces.

Alex wanted to run, but his legs seemed frozen in place.

‘Hello, Mercer. Cole here was out jogging last night, and he saw something really… _queer_ , didn’t you, Cole?’

‘I saw you, prancing out of our boy Bobby’s house.’ Cole spat, revulsion dripping from every word.

‘So that makes me wonder, it’s bad enough you’re trying to make Patterson a little bitch like you but now you’ve started sniffing around Bobby too? Greedy little faggot, aren’t you?’

Alex remained frozen in place, eyes wide with horror.

_Why can’t I run?_

Marshall seemed angry at the lack of a response, moving alarmingly swiftly to grab Alex’s sweatshirt by the scruff of the neck, yanking Alex painfully towards him.

‘I asked you a question, fag,’ Marshall snarled, spit flying from his lips and raining down on Alex’s face. ‘You’re a greedy little faggot, aren’t you?’

Alex winced, silently willing anyone to see them, to help him. He couldn’t breathe, feeling the sweatshirt collar digging into his throat.

‘Answer me!’ Marshall growled, and before Alex knew what was happening Marshall’s free hand was forming a fist, barrelling into Alex’s stomach. Alex staggered backwards, feeling the wind being knocked out of him.

_Someone please help me. Please._

Alex vaguely registered that Marshall had let his sweatshirt go, and Alex felt the cold hard ground behind him as he fell to the ground.

Desperate to escape, Alex tried to shuffle backwards, desperate to scramble to his feet and make a run for it. No such luck, Cole and Peter were stepping from behind Marshall, and now Alex whimpered as the two boys grabbed at his arms, pulling him up from the ground to hold him in place.

Marshall moved towards Alex, smirking at the wheezing, tearful boy still straining to get free of the boys holding him.

‘Bobby told us to leave you alone, that you weren’t a fag, you were just sensitive. Bullshit. It’s time you learn that the only good fag is a dead fag.’

_God, please. Help me. They’re going to kill me._

_**‘HEY!’** _

Marshall’s head whipped round at the roaring voice and thundering footsteps.

_Bobby._

Bobby shoved Marshall back, away from Alex. His eyes were full of furious horror.

‘What the fuck, Bobby? What’s wrong with you?’ Marshall yelled.

‘You sick bastards, that’s what’s wrong with me!’ Bobby yelled, yanking Alex’s arm free of Peter’s grip then pulling Alex away from Cole, who had eased his grip in the confusion.

‘Get behind me, Alex.’ Bobby said firmly. Alex shakily complied, still trying to get enough air in his lungs, his stomach howling in pain.

Marshall looked even more furious now.

‘I don’t get you Bobby, you wanna be one of the guys but you keep sticking up for this _freak_!’

Bobby tensed, hearing a shaky sob coming from the blonde boy behind him.

‘I don’t wanna be anything like you, Marshall. I thought I did but it’s all a load of _shit_. You think beating the crap out of people or tormenting them makes you more of a man but it’s pathetic. You’re just a bully, targeting people who can’t or won’t defend themselves. Well I’m done with you, Marshall. I’m done with being quiet and watching you all talk shit about people who are my friends, people like Alex. At least Alex gives a shit about me, he’s a real friend. You guys aren’t.’

Alex was in shock.

Bobby was trembling, his voice scratchy.

Cole and Peter seemed hesitant, standing back behind Marshall, who seemed surprised at the response, his mouth hanging open.

Then Marshall spoke, words quick and ugly.

‘Fuck you then, Wilson. You’re done. If you wanna be such a loser that you feel so lonely when Daddy’s away that you’ll let that little coc—’

Marshall didn’t get to finish the slur, his words consumed by a sickening thud as Bobby’s fist collided with his jaw at speed.

Alex found himself moving, terrified and desperate to protect Bobby, who was now repeatedly punching Marshall in the stomach.

Cole and Peter bolted out of the street, in the direction of the school.

‘Bobby, stop, stop it, leave him!’ Alex pleaded, managing to pull Bobby back from where he had been stood over Marshall.

Alex felt sick at the sight of Marshall, any healing his split lip had made since being clearly undone, teeth red with blood.

Bobby stared in horror, looking between Alex, Marshall and his bloody knuckles. Then, Bobby and Alex ran, away from the direction of the school, leaving Marshall in the dirt.

Bobby and Alex ran, with considerable difficulty, stopping several streets over and ducking into an alleyway. Alex fumbled in his fanny pack for his inhaler, leaning against the exposed red bricks of the alleyway. Panting desperately, he looked over at Bobby, who was now staring down at the floor, sobbing.

‘Bobby, talk to me.’ Alex said quietly.

Bobby looked up, his face soaked with tears. As he made eye contact with Alex, a new wave of sobs began, and Bobby threw his arms around the blonde.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Alex and Bobby. Obviously the 'friendship' between the jocks and Bobby is done.
> 
> One day, Alex will have a full day of school again, I promise.
> 
> The line that Marshall (such a piece of shit) says to Alex about the 'only good f being a dead f' is something that was said to me once, so I included it hear to work through my own stuff.


	22. Communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Bobby look after each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Talk about violence, homophobic bullying, assault, injury.

Bobby sobbed heavily, Alex clinging on to his friend as Bobby tried to speak through his tears, starting and then faltering. Alex rubbed soft circles on Bobby’s trembling back, hopeful that it might soothe him.

Traffic passed on the busy street, oblivious to the two boys in crisis tucked into the shady alleyway. They stayed like this until Bobby’s teared subsided, and the boy pulled back, looking ashamed of himself.

‘I shouldn’t have hit him, I know violence isn’t the way to handle stuff, but they were hurting you and I couldn’t stand it. Then, t-then he said that shit about my Dad and I know what he was gonna call you and I couldn’t face the thought of you hearing it.’ Bobby stammered, his bloodied knuckles tight in his hands as he clung to his hoodie.

Alex exhaled sadly, smiling encouragingly at Bobby.

‘I know what he was gonna call me, Bob. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s said something like that about me. But I don’t want you getting hurt for me. What he said about your Dad was really messed up, I’m so sorry he said it.’

‘Don’t be sorry, it’s true,’ Bobby muttered darkly. ‘Dad seems to only care about having a kid for status. I don’t know why they had me.’

Alex’s arms were back around Bobby at this, eager to comfort his friend.

‘I understand, Bobby. My Dad has such a fixed idea of what I should be doing, and how I should live, it gets suffocating. Especially when I’ll never live up to any of it. But you have to believe me, I’m so glad your parents had you, and I’m so glad you’re my friend, Bobby. If you hadn’t been there, I think they might have killed me.’

Bobby’s eyes were filled with horror at this. He knew Marshall and the guys on the team could be nasty pieces of work, with attitudes filled with misogyny, homophobia and racism that went largely unchecked, but the thought of them being capable of killing Alex was too much to bear.

‘I promise, Alex. They’ll never get a chance to touch you again. I’m walking with you to school from now on, I’ll pick you up from yours.’

Alex smiled gratefully at Bobby. He was touched just how much Bobby had been there for him, everything had exceeded any expectations or dreams of how supportive his friend would be.

An appealing smell in the breeze made Alex realise just where they were.

‘Hey, Bobbers. We’re down the street from Hannigan’s. Pizza for breakfast?’

Bobby’s eyes lit up, betraying the mock irritation in his voice.

‘I thought it was agreed Bobbers would not be catching on?’

‘You love it really.’ Alex smirked, sticking his tongue out playfully. ‘Come on, we’ll go to Moran’s Pharmacy first and get some stuff to sort your knuckles out. Then pizza is on me.’

After some discussion on the walk to Moran’s, it was eventually agreed upon that Bobby would buy the medical supplies and Alex would buy the pizza.

As they walked down the streets, passing Corinne’s Crystals and Jewellery, Bobby noticed a small clothing store opposite with a window display that caught his eye. A pink hoodie was being hung in the window, and it seemed to call to Bobby.

Looking at it, he could imagine Alex wearing it, maybe not today, maybe not any time soon, but one day, maybe Alex might feel comfortable enough to wear it.

Bobby made a mental note to ask Reggie and Luke for their opinions, resisting the urge to dart across the street and buy it now.

‘What are we gonna tell Reggie and Luke, anyway?’ he said to Alex, who was staring at the crystals in the window of Corinne’s.

‘Erm.. the truth, I guess? We could find them at lunch maybe?’ Alex replied, pushing back the dread at the thought of running into Marshall again.

‘Maybe we should stay away from school,’ Bobby offered. ‘Cole and Peter went that way, they might have told someone we were fighting Marshall.’

‘I’d hardly call me lying on the ground and praying to God that someone would stop them killing me fighting,’ snorted Alex. ‘But at least God sent you my way.’ he smiled at Bobby.

Bobby smirked, puffing his chest out. ‘That’s me, dear Alex, a gift from God for his young gay children in crisis.’

‘Calm down, Bobbers.’

‘Seriously, though. If there’s a God, I’m sure he will love you just as you are. Otherwise, why would he make you?’

‘Bobby, you can be surprisingly deep, you know that?’

‘Alex, I spend a lot of time alone. I have plenty of time to think.’

The two boys looked at each other fondly, grateful for their genuine friendship.

Then, they headed into Moran’s Pharmacy, the bright sterile light and tinny stereo making them wince slightly. They found what they needed quickly, shoving antiseptic wipes, cotton wool and plasters into the basket Alex had grabbed on the way in. Then Bobby headed up to the checkout at the rear of the store, Alex following close behind.

‘Hey Alex, shouldn’t you be in school?’

Alex must have shoot a foot into the air as he registered who was standing behind the checkout.

‘Um, hey Trent. Please don’t tell my parents.’

Trent smiled winningly at the two.

‘Like your parents would believe a word I’d say,’ he chuckled drily.

‘I won’t say a word. Are you two okay though?’ Trent continued, taking in the dried blood on Bobby’s knuckles and the clear evidence of tears on both boys faces.

‘Some guys from school were gonna…’ Alex tailed off, feeling renewed confidence at the knowing look on Trent’s face, ‘and Bobby stopped them, but got hurt in the process.’

‘Say no more, I’m just glad you’ve got good friends in your corner, it helps a lot, believe me.’ Trent said, smiling at Bobby, who smiled shyly in return, whilst reaching for the credit card.

‘No, no, don’t worry about it. It’s covered.’ Trent said, passing the bag of supplies to Alex to hold. ‘You two look after yourselves.’

‘T-thank you, Trent. Really.’ Alex stammered, shuffling quickly out of the way, becoming aware that an older woman was bustling up the aisle behind them with a basketful of shopping.

‘Yeah, thank you.’ Bobby said quickly, moving to follow Alex, a curious look on his face.

Out in the street, Bobby could no longer contain his curiosity.

‘Do you fancy him?’

‘What?!’ Alex squeaked.

Bobby laughed easily. ‘I was only asking, you two seemed like you had a lot in common.’

‘He lives on my street, and he was the first person I ever told,’ Alex said, blushing furiously as they started to walk. ‘He was super nice and helpful about it, even though he knows what my parents are like.’

‘Do you think he’s hot?’ Alex blushed even more furiously at this, softening a little as he saw the way Bobby was looking at him, invitingly.

‘Well, yes,’ Alex mumbled quietly, looking at his shoes.

‘I knew it!’ Bobby cheered. ‘

But he’s older than us, and it would never happen, plus I don’t think I’m anywhere near ready to date a guy.’

‘Relax, ‘Lex. I just wanted you to know you can talk to me about stuff like that. It can’t be easy for you to hear all of us guys talking about girls we think are hot or whatever and not be able to share how you feel.’

Alex looked at his friend, who was willing to fight for him, to turn his back on his other friends to support him and felt so much love. He felt so lucky, that even with his parents, and the bullies at school, he had love and support from his three best friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bobby is a sweetheart, and he deserves better than his parents. Also, the beginning of Alex's pink hoodie origin story :')
> 
> Also, hello to the return of Trent.
> 
> I'm so thankful for all the lovely comments and feedback I get, I'm also on tumblr at ghostgay23 if you wanna follow me there. <3


	23. Be With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby and Alex have pizza for breakfast, Reggie and Luke worry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Discussion of violence, homophobia, use of slurs.

Sitting in a booth at the back of Hannigan’s, Alex and Bobby set to work, Alex methodically sterilising the cuts on Bobby’s knuckles and Bobby gritting his teeth to avoid howling in pain as the disinfectant did its work.

‘How’s your stomach? He punched you, didn’t he?’ Bobby said, sadly. He wished he’d stumbled upon them earlier, before they could have started in on tormenting Alex.

Alex nodded.

‘Cole saw me leaving yours last night, apparently. They started saying stuff, then Marshall grabbed me and punched me a few times. Then he said about teaching me the only..’

‘Alex, come on. You can tell me.’

‘That the only good fag is a dead fag.’ Alex murmured quietly, tears in his eyes again.

He was so grateful Bobby had found them before he found out just how much they meant to act on that.

Bobby punched the table, howling in pain and frustration as the plastic surface shuddered. Thankfully, there was no one in the restaurant area to hear them, Bobby did not want to squander the good will he had built with Hannigan’s over the years.

‘Fuck man, they’re never gonna hurt you again. I promise. Even if it means going with you everywhere.’

‘I don’t want you getting hurt, Bobby. Or the others. It’s fine.’

‘No Alex, I mean it. I’m not gonna watch you suffer cos they’re too stupid to realise you’re not hurting anyone. I don’t even get their problem, it’s not like you’re gonna think they’re hot.’

Alex snorted.

‘What?’

‘Well it’s true, man! I don’t know what you find attractive in a guy, but I doubt it’s Marshall and his pencil dick.’

Alex gawped at Bobby, who shrugged in return.

‘What can I say, when I was on the team he’d always be parading around in the showers, and he’s got nothing to write home about. For a guy who has such an issue with gay people he really likes waving his dick around.’

Alex shuddered. ‘Ew. Thanks for that image, Bobby. Gonna really enjoy my pizza now.’

‘You’re welcome’ Bobby smirked.

The waitress chose that moment to arrive with two pizzas and milkshakes, banana for Alex and chocolate for Bobby.

‘Thanks, Denise.’ Bobby smiled up at the older woman, who tittered to herself and clicked away.

The boys ate in a comfortable silence, the sound of top 40 music playing softly through the pizzeria stereo.

‘We can go hang out at mine after this if you want?’ Bobby said through a mouthful of stringy cheese.

Alex smiled and nodded eagerly as he drank his milkshake.

Luke and Reggie were worried. They had felt uneasy when there was no sign of Alex or Bobby before the bell had rang and had begun to worry even more when they had arrived at their homeroom and there had been three empty desks, Alex’s, Bobby’s, and Marshall’s.

Luke managed to keep it together through registration, fidgeting in his seat as Reggie looked out of the window, trying to keep calm in spite of his building nausea.

As soon as the bell rang for their first class, Luke was shooting out of the room, pushing past other students as Reggie hurried after him, blurting out quick apologies to the rest of their class.

‘Luke, we don’t know anything has happened…’

Luke turned in the hallway, staring at Reggie with wild eyes.

‘Something’s not right, Reg. I just know it.’

The double doors that opened out to the staircase leading away from the school slammed open, and Marshall walked in. Reggie looked away from the bloody face of the boy, who said nothing as he walked towards the Nurse’s office.

Luke stared after Marshall, then, without saying a word, sprinted towards the double doors and out into the sunlight.

Reggie hurried after him, the sound of the commotion coming from the Nurse’s office ringing in his ears as he chased after Luke.

‘What do we do? We can’t just wander the streets hoping we see them…’

‘I know! Fuck, I don’t know what to do!’ Luke yelled, softening as he saw Reggie flinch. ‘Sorry, Reg. I’m just scared.’

‘I am too, but we don’t know that there’s anything wrong. Maybe they’re off sick or something, we did eat a lot of pizza last night?’

Luke desperately wanted for what Reggie suggested to be true, a simple matter of food poisoning being preferable to the thoughts racing in his mind.

_Marshall turns up late and beaten up, but Alex would never hit him._

_Bobby might, but then, where is Bobby now?_

_And where’s Alex?_

_Maybe we should call the Mercer’s._

_Or Bobby’s house?_

_That’s better than risking getting Alex in trouble._

_Fuck._

‘Let’s call Bobby’s house, we can see if he might have skipped today. Then we’ll know at least if they’re together?’ Reggie suggested, gesturing to the payphone across the street.

Luke loved a lot about Reggie, but he was especially grateful in this moment for how well Reggie could handle a crisis. Reggie was great at breaking things down into manageable steps, Luke figured this was why Reggie was so good at Maths too, always able to find a logical process of action.

The two left the school grounds, quickly hurrying across the quiet road, Reggie digging in his pockets for coins. They found the amount they needed, shoving coins into the slot as Luke dialled the number for Bobby’s house.

Neither boy dared acknowledge the potential outcome of there being no answer, hoping above reason that Bobby would be there, safe, and then they could find Alex. Luke’s hand was shaking as he listened to the phone ringing over and over.

_How long would it ring before it cut off?_

Reggie’s arm was around Luke, the lanky boy eager to try and provide some comfort.

There was a click, and Bobby’s voice answered, sounding out of breath and suspicious at once.

‘Bobby Wilson, who’s this?’

‘Bobby!! It’s Luke, and Reggie! Are you okay? Is Alex with you?’

‘Yeah, we’re both here. Come over?’

Luke did not miss the way Bobby dodged the question of them being okay, but readily agreed.

Throwing the phone back onto the receiver, Luke and Reggie tore off in the direction of Bobby’s house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a shorter chapter, but I hope you like it :)
> 
> My new interpretation is that Bobby used to be on the team, but now isn't although he had remained friendly with them up to now.


	24. Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Bobby talk about religion, Luke and Reggie arrive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Discussions of religion, homophobia, language.

‘That was Luke, he and Reggie are on their way over,’ Bobby said, walking back into the lounge, stopping dead in his tracks as he took in the sight in front of him.

Alex was sat on the sofa in front of the large TV Bobby’s Dad had bought the last time he was there for more than two days, and had clearly been deep in prayer, his hands clasped together, knuckles white. Alex had frozen in place, his head turned to look at Bobby, the unmistakeable glisten of unshed tears in his eyes.

‘Sorry, Alex, I didn’t know you were praying. I can come back?’

Alex shifted from his position, visibly trying to shake out of the tense posture he’d be in before.

‘It’s okay, I was basically done. Did you tell the others what happened?’

Bobby shook his head, coming to sit next to Alex. ‘I figured it’d be better for you to tell them.’

Alex smiled sadly, knowing how much the two would worry once they were told.

‘Can I ask something, it’s fine if you don’t wanna answer though?’ Bobby asked, feeling now was the best time to address something that had been bothering him for a while. Alex tensed slightly, looking at Bobby cautiously.

‘Sure, ask away.’ Alex said, and Bobby felt a dull jab of sadness at how accommodating Alex was, always trying to be easy going and agreeable even when it was clearly scary for him.

Bobby took a deep breath, then began. ‘One time when I was at your house, I overheard you praying. I didn’t mean to, I just came back from the bathroom and there you were,’ Bobby watched Alex nod timidly, and decided to continue.

‘You said stuff about trying to change and not wanting to feel this way.’ Bobby recounted, and the look on Alex’s face suggested to Bobby that this was a regular topic in the blonde boys prayers. ‘So was that about being gay? Cos I do remember being with you at church and seeing how tense you looked when the Priest talked about sin.’

Alex met Bobby’s gaze, and exhaled shakily.

‘It was. As long as I can remember, everywhere I looked or went everything said to me that being gay was so disgusting and wrong, and so, so sinful. So, by the time I realised that I am, it was too late. I felt disgusted by myself. And I know that my parents feel that way about gay people, and I know that I can hope all I want, me being their son isn’t going to stop them thinking that of me. So I used to pray that God could fix me, but it never happened.’

Bobby sat with Alex, lost in thought. He wanted to be able to help, but the problem of Alex’s parents seemed so monumental, so beyond him.

‘What were you praying for just now if you don’t mind me asking?’ Bobby watched as Alex smiled a little, and hoped to himself that Alex hadn’t been praying for the same things he’d described.

‘I prayed that Marshall and the other guys would leave us alone, and to thank God for you.’

‘For me? I know I’m pretty great and I’m hot, but why?’ Bobby teased, feeling his face warm with the knowledge that Alex cared about him so much. 

Alex snorted, then spoke sincerely.

‘You made a choice today, Bobby. You could have taken the easier option and joined in with them hurting me or you could have just left them to it, but you took a stand. You made it clear what sort of man you are. I’m proud of you.’

Bobby considered Alex’s point.

‘Thanks, man. I’m really proud of you too, and I meant what I said to them. And I mean it when I say that God must love you for you, so please, promise me you won’t pray for him to change you anymore?’

Alex looked at Bobby, whose face was kind but his lip was tremoring in a way that suggested more tears were imminent.

Alex grabbed Bobby’s hand quickly.

‘I promise.’

At that moment, there was a furious knocking on the door.

Bobby leapt up, readying himself in case it was Marshall or one of the guys he was now ashamed to say used to be his friends. Thankfully, the peephole in the door showed only Reggie and Luke, and Bobby heaved a sigh of relief as he opened the door.

Luke rushed in, hurrying towards Alex on the sofa, while Bobby stumbled back as Reggie threw his arms around him, holding him tight.

‘Reg, I kinda need to shut the door.’ Bobby said softly as Reggie continuing to cling to him.

Reggie let go, pulling back looking sheepish.

‘Sorry, Bob. I know you’re not big on hugs.’

‘I’m getting to really enjoy them, to be fair.’ Bobby laughed as he shut the door, following Reggie over to the sofas, where Alex was assuring Luke he was okay.

‘Bobby’s right, we’re not letting you walk home alone. One of us will go with you everywhere.’ Luke argued, the explanation of the fight having given way to a discussion about how they could best protect Alex.

Alex shook his head. ‘It’s fine, guys. I didn’t see them coming today, that’s all. I’ll just be more careful and run like the wind if I see them.’

‘No, Alex, don’t do that.’ Reggie said, scowling in frustration. ‘Don’t try and downplay this. They implied they might kill you.’

‘I just don’t want you guys getting in any more trouble for me.’

Bobby frowned as the phone began ringing, walking over to it and answering.

‘Bobby Wilson, who’s this?’

‘Hi Bobby, it’s Emily. Luke’s mom. I was calling to see if he’s with you, Principal Goldwater called to say he and Reggie took off after homeroom.’

_Shit._

Holding the receiver to his shoulder, Bobby gestured frantically for Luke to come over.

‘It’s your Mom. Goldwater called her.’ Bobby hissed nervously.

‘Fuck!’ Luke cursed as he took the receiver, trying to act calm.

‘H-hey Mom.’

‘Don’t _hey Mom_ me, Luke.’ Emily snapped, sounding frustrated. ‘Why aren’t you at school?’

Luke sighed in defeat.

Honesty might be the best bet.

‘Some guys jumped Alex, and Bobby intervened. Me and Reggie left school to find out if they were okay. Sorry, Mom.’ Luke finished, weakly.

He felt his Mom shifting on the other end of the line.

‘Are they?! Which guys jumped Alex?’

‘Can I tell you later, Mom? I promise.’

‘Fine, I guess. I’ll pick you up from Bobby’s later, say about 5? I’ve gotta get groceries before that so I’ll be there on the way back.’

‘Okay, Mom. Thank you.’ Luke smiled, grateful for her being reasonable.

‘Wait, Mom, do you think we could drop Alex home too? I don’t want him walking home alone.’

‘Of course, honey. I’ll see you both at 5. Tell Alex his Mom’s been calling me, Principal Goldwater called her too. I’ll tell her something, don’t worry.’

‘Thanks, Mom. Love you.’

‘Love you too, honey.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emily Patterson is the Mom these boys need.


	25. To Speak True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily deals with Daphne, and picks up the boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Discussion of suicide, homophobia

Emily Patterson hung up the phone, sighing as she ran her hands through her hair. She needed to think of something to avoid Daphne worrying any more. Daphne had called her no less than five times since Principal Goldwater had called to say that Alex hadn’t arrived at school, and now she knew Alex had been jumped she was even more concerned. She didn’t know if Alex had been hurt, so she didn’t know what to say to Daphne.

Her hands shaking, she dialled the Mercer house phone, inhaling quickly as the phone barely had a chance to ring before being answered.

‘Daphne, it’s Emily. I’ve just spoken to Luke, Alex is fine. He’s with him.’

‘Fine? Fine? Why isn’t he at school? Where are they?’ Emily winced at the tone of Daphne’s voice, more anger than worry now being present.

_Time to think of something, quick._

‘Bobby had a medical emergency, and the boys took him home, they didn’t want to leave him alone. I’ve already agreed to pick Alex up later when I get Luke, I’ll drop him home for you?’ Daphne softened, her voice returning to the familiar, vaguely condescending tone Emily knew.

‘That’s very good of you, Emily. Do you know what time that’ll be?’

Emily rolled her eyes.

_Of course I do. Why would I not have agreed a time?_

‘I’m picking them up at 5, I’ll bring Alex straight to yours.’

‘Thank you, Emily. See you later.’

Emily stared at the phone, throwing it back onto its stand.

Daphne had really shifted as a person after meeting Michael, Emily was sure of it. The way that Daphne acted now, condescending, rude and generally false was a world away from the girl she’d been at school with. Emily was sure that if she’d met Daphne after her and Michael had started dating, they’d never have been friends. Now Emily felt as though the only thing keeping Daphne in her life was Alex.

Sweet Alex, always polite and helpful, his eyes full of worry for as long as Daphne could remember. Once Luke had told Emily and Mitch that Alex was gay, everything had clicked into place.

No wonder the poor boy looked uncomfortable and was anxious, Daphne had often heard the way the Mercer’s talked about gay people, totally ignorant to the quiet fury Emily had felt.

Emily sighed, grabbing her grocery list of the fridge and shoving it in her bag, grabbing the car keys on her way out.

‘Hey Luke, your Mom’s here!’ Reggie called, staring out the window at the car reversing onto Bobby’s front drive.

Alex and Luke exchanged a nervous look, Alex flinching as the doorbell rang.

Bobby hurried to the door, opening it as Emily hurried in. She stared at Bobby’s knuckles, frowning.

‘I told Alex's mom you had a medical emergency and had to go home, and that the boys brought you home, just in case she asks you about it at any point.’ Emily said, smiling at Bobby.

‘Thank you, Mrs Patterson. I didn’t wanna hit Marshall, but he and his friends were hurting Alex and then they said some messed up stuff.’ Bobby said, suddenly feeling incredibly guilty as he stared at Luke’s mom.

‘I know you Bobby, you’re not the sort of guy to resort to violence unless it’s necessary.’ Emily smiled fondly, opening her arms to invite a hug which Bobby readily accepted.

Emily silently wished that Bobby’s parents would be in town more, she hated that he was in this big house alone so often.

‘Come on boys, I promised your Mom you’d be home as soon as possible,’ Emily said, smiling softly at Alex, who was wringing his hands.

‘Do you need a ride, Reggie?’

‘Oh, no, it’s okay. Thank you, Mrs Patterson. I was gonna stay with Bobby tonight.’ Emily grinned.

‘I’ve told you before, just call me Emily. You boys be good, call me if you need anything.’

Reggie nodded, blushing slightly. ‘Thanks Mrs P—Emily.’ He quickly corrected himself as Emily chuckled.

Alex and Luke quickly hugged the two boys goodbye, then piled into the backseat of Emily’s car.

As Emily drove through the steady traffic, she spoke.

‘I don’t think I ever told you about my friend Russell, did I?’ she said, seeing the boys shake their heads in the rear-view mirror.

‘Russell was one of my friends at college, such a terrific guy. The best sense of fashion, a terrific dancer, so so, kind. When I first laid eyes on him, I thought I’d marry him!’ she laughed. ‘But I soon came to understand that he wasn’t the sort of guy who looked at girls that way.’

Alex tensed as he felt Emily give him a knowing look. She noticed this and pressed on, eager to reassure the boy.

‘But I loved him as a friend all the same. We used to get into such trouble, going out to all these parties and drinking far too much – which isn’t smart, but you boys will learn that when you grow up,’ she said, mockingly stern.

‘What happened to him?’ Luke said, quietly, as the car stopped at a red light. Emily exhaled.

‘Not everyone could see how great he was, his parents stopped taking his calls after he told them that he had a boyfriend. Then, in our last year of college, he started to drink more, going out on his own all night. I think he was taking the situation with his parents badly, which is understandable.

Then, just before my final exams, his boyfriend came to my dorm and told me that Russell had jumped off a bridge over the river. We had to go identify the body, his parents wouldn’t come. We had to take care of everything.’

Emily paused, wiping her eyes.

‘I’m still in touch with Aaron, that was Russell’s boyfriend. He writes every Christmas and birthday, he’s living in Chicago now. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you boys know, that if either of you were to tell me that you liked boys in that way, I would still love you and I would support you. I promise you, I would go to the ends of the Earth, just to make sure you were safe and happy.’

The lights had changed, and the car started moving again. Emily blinked away tears as she drove, the sky above cloudy.

Alex sat in the back of the car in silence, his hand now clasped in Luke’s.

‘M-Mrs Patterson.’ ‘Please, Alex. Call me Emily.’

‘Sorry, ma’am. Emily. I’m like Russell.’ Emily’s eyes darted to the rear-view mirror, smiling to herself at the sight of Alex clinging to her son’s hand.

‘Thank you for telling me, Alex. I’m proud of you, and I love you.’ Alex smiled, a few tears sliding down his face. Luke kept holding on to Alex’s hand, his thumb dancing little circles on it.

Emily continued to drive.

She was so proud of Alex for telling her, and she vowed to herself that he would always have a place in her home if he needed it, and that she would not allow the Mercer’s to make him feel ashamed, even as she felt certain of what their reaction would be.

_If or when he tells them, I want to be there to protect him._


	26. This Is Not Real Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex gets a horrible taste of the storm brewing inside his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Homophobic language, domestic abuse, violence, assault, threats of further violence

Alex closed the door, leaning against the wood frame as he heard Emily’s car drive away. Breathing deeply, he turned as he heard his Mother’s heels clicking along the hallway.

‘Honey. Thank God you’re here. Your father wants to talk to you in his study.’ Daphne said, her voice clipped and her eyes shifting, looking anywhere but at Alex.

Alex stared at her, his breath catching in his throat. He wanted to respond but she was already turning away, hurrying back towards the kitchen.

_Keep it together, Alex. It might be okay._

Alex made his way to the study, pausing to knock gently on the door. His father’s reply was curt, instructing him to enter.

His father was sat at the desk, a dark look on his face.

‘Alexander, sit down. I’m concerned. Your behaviour lately is a problem.’

_Just breathe. Breathe. Breathe._

‘What behaviour do you mean, Sir?’

Michael Mercer rolled his eyes.

‘You’ve been getting involved in fights, now today you skip school because your friend has a, what was it, medical emergency?’

‘Y-yes sir. Bobby had a really bad allergic reaction, and we didn’t want to leave him to go home alone.’ Alex replied, hoping he sounded sincere.

Michael met his son’s gaze.

‘You’ve always been a terrible liar, son.’

With a speed Alex found alarming, his father sprang up from his chair, bringing his hands down hard on top of Alex’s. Alex yelped at the pain, his father applying severe weight to holding his hands down.

 _‘Dad, please, stop!’_ Alex hated how small his voice sounded, how weak he felt straining against the vice like pressure on his hands.

‘ _Dad?_ I thought we’d raised you to show respect. In my day, my father would cane us for showing such insubordination, but you’d probably enjoy that. You act like a snivelling little pansy with your anxiety nonsense and your pathetic inhaler, it’s no wonder the boys at school think you’re a faggot. Are they right about you, boy? Are you a faggot?’

Alex couldn’t bear the words his father was spitting at him. He’d been afraid of his father but never as terrified as he was now. He didn’t know how to respond, he didn’t dare tell his father the truth but if he was such a terrible liar as his father claimed, what was the use in trying to lie?

He could feel tears streaking down his face, the pain in his hands joining with the sheer fear he felt.

‘S-sir, sir, please…’

His father sighed, releasing his hands.

‘I don’t know if the Lord was testing me by giving me you for a son, but if he is this is truly a mammoth task.’ Michael sighed, looking at his son with no longer concealed displeasure.

‘Your Mother keeps insisting I give you time, that you’re just a sensitive boy, but it’s embarrassing. It’s humiliating to see the boy who should be carrying on my family name, and all I see is such a _runt_. I told you to get on out there and get yourself a girlfriend, and have you? Have you put any time into that, or do you just spend your days with those loser boys? Well?’

Alex shivered, a feeling of anger in his stomach.

How dare his father call his friends losers? When they were nothing but kind and supportive to him, loving him in a way he now doubted his father did?

‘I’m trying, Sir. The guys are helping me, Bobby was going to introduce me to a girl he knows who works at the pizza place near his.’

The lie tasted like chalk in Alex’s mouth, coating his teeth and tongue as he forced it out. His father seemed satisfied, however, leaning back in his chair a little.

‘Okay. So that’s something. See that he does introduce you. But let me tell you, if I find out you’re lying or missing classes again, you’ll be in deep trouble. I’m certain now that our discipline hasn’t been physical enough, you certainly seemed to respond well today to a more, _hands on_ , approach.’ Michael smirked at his terrible turn of phrase.

‘I understand.’ Alex said quickly, shoving the words out in fear that he might vomit if he took too long.

‘Very well, you’re dismissed.’

Alex left the study and hurried to his bedroom, his hands aching all the way. He closed the door quickly behind himself, locking it and allowing the tears to fall freely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A tough chapter, a shorter one because I couldn't stand to write too much of this.
> 
> I wrote this with it in mind of my own experiences with people like Alex's father, where once the first cracks of the façade show it became increasingly hard for them to conceal their nature.
> 
> Alex's dad will not get away with his behaviour though, I can assure you of that.


	27. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go from bad to worse for Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Domestic violence, homophobic language, threats of violence

Alex’s hands shook, trembling as he stared at them. He couldn’t comprehend what had happened.

His father was no better than the jocks at school. He’d hurt him, and there was the threat of more to come if he displeased him again.

_What am I gonna do?_

Luke and Emily Mercer were driving back through the LA traffic, Luke now sitting in the front passenger seat next to his Mom. Emily frowned at the sight of her son staring at the neon lights of passing buildings and cars.

‘Honey, are you okay? You’ve been very quiet since we dropped Alex off.’

Luke turned to her, sighing, his voice small. ‘I’m just scared for Alex. The guys that were giving him grief said some really bad stuff.’

‘You know you can tell me what they said, if you want?’

Luke stared at his shoes. ‘They said they’d teach him the only good fag was a dead fag.’ Emily gripped the steering wheel hard, feeling anger bubbling within her. When she spoke, there was a grit in her voice Luke didn’t recognise.

‘These guys, would I be right in thinking that they might be in the same group as the guy you hit the other day?’

‘Yeah, Marshall and a couple of guys from the team. I just don’t know what to do, Principal Goldwater doesn’t care about protecting Alex. When he had me and Alex in his office, he basically said he believed what Marshall had said about us being gay and that it was immoral, so he’s gonna be on their side.’ Luke blinked back furious tears, hating this whole situation.

Emily bit her tongue, fuming that her suspicions about Principal Goldwater were correct, her mind swimming with ideas about what she might be able to do to help, but then these thoughts dissolving as she came up to the big stumbling block in her mind.

Michael Mercer.

‘Fuck!’ Emily said, smacking her hand on the wheel. Luke stared in shock and alarm.

‘Sorry honey, I just hate it. I’m gonna let you in on a secret, okay? Don’t tell anyone, including Alex.’ Luke nodded, as Emily brought the car to a stop on the side of a deserted back street.

‘I hate Alex’s dad, Michael, I always have. There’s a reason I’ve always been reluctant for you to go to their church services. That man is a deeply bigoted piece of work, and I sat back and powerlessly watched him take Daphne and reshape her into a shell of the girl I was friends with, all his religious zeal and his twisted interpretations of the Bible are poison. I promise, I don’t know how we’re gonna be able to do it, but we are not going to let him poison Alex against himself, not one bit more.’

Luke stared at his Mom, her eyes shimmering with tears, and he reached over, wrapping his arms around her. The two sat in the car, a light drizzle of rain coating the windscreen and hiding their tears from the world outside.

* * *

Across town, Reggie and Bobby said in front of the obnoxiously oversized TV in Bobby’s lounge, the rain beating down on the windows.

‘Hey, Reg. Can I run an idea by you?’

‘Sure, Bobbers.’ Reggie replied, snorting at the disgruntled look on Bobby’s face.

‘I’m choosing to ignore that, _Reginald_ ,’ Bobby said pointedly, ‘I saw this store in town earlier when I was with Alex and they had this pink hoodie in the window. I was thinking, do you think Alex might like it? I’m not trying to be mean or anything by saying he would cos it’s pink and he’s gay or anything, but I thought it’d look nice on him, and it looked like it’d be soft and he might find it comforting when he’s having anxiety. I dunno, it’s probably stupid.’

Reggie smiled at him. ‘I think it’s a really sweet idea, Bobby. I don’t think Alex’s dad would like him wearing it though.’

Bobby scoffed. ‘Alex’s dad sucks, though, doesn’t he?’

Reggie nodded. ‘You just know Marshall would get along with him.’

Bobby’s face fell. ‘I can’t believe I used to be friends with Marshall, man. I knew he sucked, but I just kept hanging around him.’

Reggie thought about it. ‘I guess that’s what life is though, we try different things to see where we fit and what we want our world to be. Plus, you realised he sucks, and you got out, some people never do get away from the toxic influences in their lives.’

Bobby frowned, aware that Reggie was thinking about his parents. ‘Reggie, you know I love you, right? Not in a romantic way, but like, you’re a really good friend.’

Reggie feigned indignation. ‘You’d be lucky to get with me, Bobby. _I’m a catch_.’ The boys laughed, then Reggie spoke again, his voice soft.

‘I love you too, Bobby. You’re a great guy, I wish your parents could see it.’ Reggie paused, worried he’d overstepped.

‘You too, Reg. Your parents don’t deserve a son as good as you.’ Bobby threw an arm around Reggie, smiling as the boy cuddled up to him.

He felt a world away from who had been only relatively recently, but this felt good.

He liked being affectionate, he enjoyed showing people he cared about them, and he liked how it felt to feel loved.

* * *

Alex was stood in the rain, which had moved on from drizzle into a more intense downpour, easily overwhelming the drains on the side of the street. After a stiff, silent dinner, his father had instructed him to take the trash out to the curb, and now, Alex found himself standing in the rain, fighting the urge to run.

His mind danced with images of himself breaking out into a run, racing down the street to the safety of his friends, but these images were capped with his father easily catching up and dragging him back into the house, the consequences of this disobedience dangerously clear.

His hands hurt still, now several hours after he’d left his father’s study, and he could feel his stomach aching slightly from the punches he’d been dealt by Marshall earlier that day.

‘Don’t just stand there, boy!’ his father’s voice cracked through the air, and Alex turned to see his father scowling at his from the doorstep. There was movement at some of the curtains in the neighbouring houses, this street and its constant group of busybodies sending fresh alarm coursing through Alex’s veins.

Alex set the bags of trash down on the curbside, splashing back towards the house. Inside he toed his shoes off, making sure to keep them on the doormat. Closing the door, he was greeted by the sight of his father now stood on the stairs, looking down at him.

‘I’ve been thinking, a boy your age shouldn’t need an inhaler, so, give me that ridiculous fanny pack.’

Alex froze, his hand dancing over the fannypack.

_A boy my age? That isn’t how it works, I’m not gonna outgrow asthma._

Another thought shot to the fore of Alex’s mind.

_My pink triangle pin. Shit. No, no, no, no._

‘S-sir. I need my inhaler, and my fannypack keeps it safe.’

Michael moved down two steps in one swift motion.

‘I don’t think I asked, I instructed. Give me that, now.’ Alex could feel himself trembling, his sore hands aching even more now. ‘

Please, Sir.’ From the corner of his eye, Alex could see his mother, her eyes fearful as she looked between the two men.

‘Michael, he needs the inhaler.’ Michael’s gaze turned to his wife, his face reddening.

‘Here you are again. See, boy, look how your mother tries to defend you. Enough of this. You will give me that fannypack now, or I will have to hurt you.’

Alex couldn’t breathe. He took a step back, his socks scraping on the rough fabric of the doormat.

Michael lost patience, and he was suddenly down the stairs and grabbing Alex by the shoulder. Alex kicked, flailing as his legs swung. Michael forcibly manoeuvred Alex into the corridor, his voice full of rage.

‘Get in the study now, boy, or I will break your legs.’

Alex sobbed, and ran down the corridor as soon as his father released his grip on his shoulder.

There was nowhere to go but the study, Alex realised as he silently cursed himself for not running out the front door when he had a chance.

Hearing his father yelling at his mother, then starting down the corridor, Alex stood in the study, frantically unzipping the fannypack, then shoving the pink triangle pin into his trouser pocket, then sealing the zip as his father stormed into the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michael is the worst. His downfall is coming though.


	28. All Fall Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse for Alex, and he reaches a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Domestic violence, homophobia, mistreatment and derogatory behaviour to those with medical issues. References to death.

Alex inhaled sharply as his father slammed the study door shut. His attempts to stifle his sobs had resulted in his breath feeling especially jagged as he braced himself.

‘Empty your fannypack onto the desk. Now.’

Alex shakily fumbled to undo the zip, thanking the heavens above that he’d been able to get the pin out of there before this. His inhaler skittered onto the hard wood of the desk, followed by the tissues Alex kept on his person in case his hayfever acted up and made his eyes water.

Michael cast his eyes over the contents, before picking up the inhaler, examining it lazily in his hand.

‘I don’t think you should be using this, it seems to me that it is pure laziness that you haven’t developed the stamina to breathe without assistance.’

‘Sir, please. I need it, I can’t get my breath sometimes and then my chest hurts worse and my anxiety gets worse.’

‘It’s always an excuse with you, isn’t it?’ Michael seemed to be making an effort to force his voice to be flat, but Alex couldn’t miss the tremors of anger.

‘Sir, Doctor Green says I need to use it. My lung capacity isn’t the greatest, Mom knows it, she took me to the specialist.’ Michael rolled his eyes, then removed the metal canister component containing the medicine, pocketing it.

‘I doubt the Lord would have given you more of a struggle than you can work through with dedication and effort. Tell me, do you think you know better than the Lord?’

Alex stood still, his mind racing.

Just a few hours ago his Dad had been claiming God had given him a ‘mammoth task’ in having Alex for a son, and yet now he was claiming the Lord wouldn’t give anyone more than they could handle? Was his father deluded? Or hypocritical?

‘I won’t be allowing you to have any more use of this inhaler until you prove yourself to me, do you understand? I was encouraged by you saying Bobby was going to set you up with a girl, do you think she’ll be happy to find out her date clings to an inhaler like an invalid? Or blames his own failings on anxiety?’ Alex hated the tone of his father’s voice, full of mocking disdain.

He scrambled to think of a response.

‘I am trying, Sir. I only use my inhaler when I need it, and I’m trying to get a girlfriend.’

‘I want to believe you Alexander, but you do make it hard when you keep lying to me. Sit down, be honest with me.’

Alex resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he sat down, his father taking the seat opposite.

_As if I could ever be honest with you now._

‘Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? The boy at school, who suggested you and Luke might be homosexuals, what do you think you did to give him that impression?’

‘I-I don’t think I didn’t anything, Sir. Marshall doesn’t like me, he’s always been a bully.’

‘Now, now, the only people who complain about bullies are those who need toughening up. This is a good place we can start, now we can identify what’s wrong with you we can improve you. So, with that in mind, let’s try the question again, I’ll reword it so you can understand me better. What do you think you did to make that boy think you were a faggot?’

Alex felt sick. He knew he was trapped, his father seemed to be waiting for him to slip up.

‘I-I-I…’

‘For goodness sake. _S-s-spit it out, boy!_ ’ his father snarled, cruelly mocking him.

‘I don’t know! Maybe he thinks it because it’s true!’ Alex yelled, regretting the outburst from the moment the words jumped from his mouth.

His eyes wide, he stared in horror at his father.

Michael stared at his son, a vein throbbing in his temple.

‘I’m certain I misheard you, I could have sworn you just admitted to being a fag. Did I mishear you?’

Alex floundered, unsure of how he could fix this.

‘I was lying, I just wanted to provoke you.’ He said quickly, his eyes pleading.

‘When are you going to learn, you are a terrible liar, boy.’ Michael said, his eyes dark.

Alex sprang out of his chair, bolting towards the study door, reaching for the handle as his father’s hand grabbed his hair, yanking him painfully backing. Alex yelped, panicking.

He heard his voice in the chaos, screaming for his Mom to help him, begging for mercy as his father dragged him back, then he felt the thud of his father shoving his face into the surface of the desk. Blurred by his tears, he could see his fannypack inches from his face.

_Is this how I die? My Dad’s going to kill me._

His father’s face was near his, one hand tight on his neck, holding him in place. As his father spoke, spit rained down on Alex’s face.

‘I am a charitable person, boy. So, I am going to let you live with the shame of your sin. Most fathers would have put a pathetic little runt like you down years ago, so you should be grateful. I will sort out getting you treatment in a facility. You like your specialists so much, I’ll send you to a specialist who will get this out of you. If it works, you will be allowed to return, if not, you will be as good as dead to me. Nod if you understand.’

Alex nodded furiously, desperate for air as his father’s grip on his neck tightened.

Michael released his grip, Alex slumping to the floor, his body shaking as he sobbed.

‘Stop that. Get off my floor. Sit down and shut up or I swear, boy, I will break every bone if your pathetic body.’

Alex pulled himself into the chair, gritting his teeth to stop his sobs escaping. His tears were pouring however, the reality of the situation setting in.

_My dad knows I’m gay. He hates me. It’s all coming true. Everything I feared is real._

Michael dialled a number into the desk phone, pointedly looking anywhere but at his son. He waited for what felt to Alex like an age, speaking in a flat tone when the person on the other end answered.

‘Good evening Reverend Allen. I need your help, my son has decided he is a homosexual. Yes. Yes. I understand. Thank you.’

Hanging up the phone, Michael’s gaze turned to his son. Any attempt at hiding his disgust was long gone.

‘Reverend Allen is going to come in the morning to talk to you and then he’ll take you to the specialist camp. You are to go to your room, and I do not want to see or hear you again until Reverend Allen is here. Get out.’

Alex left the room, feeling his body carrying him to his room, passing his Mom on the phone in the hallway, up the stairs and down the hall to his bedroom.

Once in his room, Alex buried his face in a pillow, desperately trying to smother the keening sobs of despair.

He had an idea of what a ‘specialist camp’ meant. Several years ago, one of the older choir boys from Alex’s church, Liam, had vanished abruptly.

When Alex asked about it, all anyone would say was that the boy was sick and had gone to ‘the specialist camp upstate’ to be treated.

Then a few months later it was rather casually mentioned that Liam had had a terrible accident at the specialist camp and had drowned.

Alex had been sad, as Liam had always been so nice, but nobody else seemed to care about Liam’s passing, and he was never mentioned again.

Now, things settled into sharp focus.

_Liam must have been like me._

_And he didn’t get out that camp alive._

_And now I’m going to end up like him._

Alex wiped his tears from his face furiously, his fingers then gripping the enamel pin in his pocket.

_No._

_I’m not going to be taken away from my friends._

_I’m not going to a specialist camp._

_I love myself, even if my Dad doesn’t love me._

_Love isn’t what my Dad is doing to me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex is NOT going to the camp, I promise.


	29. Help Me Make it Through the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex takes action to avoid the specialist camp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: thoughts of suicide, discussion of conversion therapy

Alex worked methodically, folding sweatshirts and t-shirts and underwear into one of the suitcases that usually lay under his bed. These suitcases were usually reserved for happy times like trips to see extended family out of state but now they had new purpose. Alex had to shove his entire world into these two cases, as he purposely ignored the reality.

_This is the last night I’ll be in this house._

_My Dad hates me so much he’s going to send me to a camp, and my Mom hasn’t even come up to see if I’m okay._

_Maybe Dad has lied to her, told her some outrageous thing to make her hate me too._

_Maybe he told her the truth and she hates me just as much as he does._

Alex wiped the tears blurring his vision onto his sweater sleeve, staring at the alarm clock screen as he worked.

_1.50am._

He hoped his Dad was in bed, but his mind filled with doubts.

Maybe he’s waiting up to stop you running.

Since Alex had been sent out of the study, he had remained in his room, no contact with his parents apart from a brochure shoved under the door at 9.43pm, for a place called _Lake Carlisle Camp for Boys_.

Alex had studied the brochure, the pictures made the camp look like a standard summer camp, but the truth was laid bare in the text.

_"Our team of experts and religious leaders will bring even the most wayward sheep back into the flock. We have a high success rate of conversion, with no relapses back into debauched ways reported. Trust our team to take your son and make him into the perfect image of masculine prowess."_

Alex flicked to the next page, where the faces of several guys stared up at him.

_"Just a few of our success stories!"_

Alex examined the faces of the three boys on the page. They all smiled up from their photographs, but the smiles seemed _wrong_.

Their smiles seemed plasticky, strained and false, somehow.

_Troy_

_‘My parents were incredibly supportive of my need to seek help when they found me being inappropriate with my best friend Steve. Camp Carlisle has shown me how I came to be so confused and I am now proud to say I am engaged to a wonderful girl.’_

_Kevin_

_‘I thought I would be stuck in a sinful lifestyle forever, but Camp Carlisle saved me. Now I’m an active and useful member of society again, and I’m proud to say I’ve turned my back on my homosexual delusions.’_

_Evan_

_‘I thought the only way for me to escape my unnatural thoughts was to end my life, but I was so wrong. Camp Carlisle showed me the light, and now I can live my best life without any desire to be with men.’_

Alex stared at the page, the boys still images looking back at him.

He felt sad for these boys, and he feared that he might one day end up on these pages, a false smile on his face as he promised he’d never think of a boy ever again.

He thought of Liam, lost to this or a similar camp long ago.

He thought of how dark his thoughts sometimes were, the alarmingly casual way he’d sometimes been walking and thought how easy it would be to just walk out in front of a car and escape it all.

Then he thought of his friends, how much they loved him for exactly who he was.

How Luke had gone out of his way to find something to show Alex he accepted him wholeheartedly, how Reggie and Bobby had been nothing but kind in trying to show him they loved him for who he was and how much they all wanted to protect him from the bullies of the world.

He thought of Emily, how she’d made an effort to provide a safe space for him to come out to her even though he knew she already knew.

He thought of Trent, who had shown him kindness and understanding even after Alex’s parents had been so unpleasant to him and his family.

Alex knew what he had to do. Finishing shoving the last of his things into the suitcases, his rucksack filled with all his schoolbooks and keepsakes, Alex took a last look at his room.

_I guess this is it._

Taking a deep breath, Alex quietly opened the door to the hallway, then, he slowly made his way to the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, his rucksack straining on his back. He could hear the faint sound of snoring coming from his parents’ room as he stepped onto the stairs, taking them slowly and gently, desperately praying that they would not creak, or he would not slip and drop his things.

At the bottom of the stairs, Alex shoved his feet clumsily into his sneakers, then he unlocked the front door.

He didn’t dare to look back at the house he’d grown up in, there was no way he was safe here anymore.

He made his way out onto the front steps, then, easing the door shut behind him, he hurried into the darkness.

The rain had stopped, the air now crisp and pleasant. He stared at the dark houses around him. Four doors down, he could just about make out the dark shape of Trent’s house, and he moved towards it.

He’d toyed with the idea of just heading for Bobby’s, but his body ached already, his lungs yearning for his inhaler.

_What am I going to do without my medicine?_

Alex tried to steady his breathing, feeling his heartrate accelerating, and reached Trent’s house.

The property was in darkness except for a single light from one of the upstairs bedrooms.

_Be brave, Alex. They might be able to help you._

Alex took one last breath as he stepped onto the front porch, and pressed the doorbell. From inside the house, he heard the cheery synthesised tones of a song he couldn’t quite place, and then he heard the sound of someone hurrying down the stairs.

The door swung open to the sight of Trent, a baseball hat in hand, wired alarm on his tired face.

‘Alex?! What the?’ Trent mumbled sleepily, pausing as Alex’s terrified face came into full view.

‘Come in, come in.’ Trent continued, now fully awake enough to see the suitcases Alex had with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I liked the idea of Trent being someone Alex could turn to to help him get away from the Mercer's. Much needed comfort is coming for Alex, I promise.


	30. True to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Trent talk, then seek help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Discussions of conversion therapy, domestic abuse, homophobia, violence.

Trent led Alex into the kitchen of the home, and Alex stared, taking in the cosy home. The house felt warmer than his had, more chaotic, definitely, with piles of post on the kitchen island and the fridge door covered in takeout menus, family photos, to-do lists and other bits and pieces pinned in place with magnets. Alex’s eyes were drawn almost immediately to a pink triangle magnet, which pinned a photo of the family to the fridge.

‘Where’s that?’ Alex said, his voice a mere whisper.

‘That’s San Francisco Pride,’ Trent said, looking over as he poured a glass of water. The baseball bat had been discarded by the door, next to Alex’s things. ‘Mom and Dad took me after I came out, they wanted me to know they supported me.’

Alex stared at the photo, Mrs Jones on the left, Mr Jones on the right, their arms linked around Trent’s shoulders. The three were grinning wildly at whoever had taken the photo, and Alex felt a sharp painful twinge in his chest.

‘My parents will never do something like that for me.’ Alex said aloud, more to himself than anything.

Trent set the water down in front of Alex, as the two sat at stools by the kitchen island. Trent’s usually immaculate hair was a frizzy mess of loose curls. Alex dreaded to think what he looked like, grabbing the glass of water and feeling the cold water dance down his throat.

‘I’m sorry to bother you, Trent.’ He said, placing the empty glass down. ‘I shouldn’t be bothering you with this, especially this late.’

‘It’s fine, Alex. Clearly you need help, otherwise you wouldn’t be in the streets at night with suitcases. Do you wanna talk about what happened?’

Alex took a deep breath.

‘I-I got beat up by some guys from school, so me and my friends skipped. My parents got mad and then my Dad hurt me, then he took my inhaler away, th-then he kept asking questions about why people at school think I’m gay, then I lost it and said it’s cause it’s true. I shouldn’t have said it, it was stupid of me. Then he said he’s gonna send me to this place in the morning, and if I didn’t come back fixed I was dead to him.’ Alex finished, shaking as he fumbled in his pocket, placing the crumpled brochure on the table.

Trent picked up the brochure, his frown deepening as his eyes scanned the content. When he’d finished, he sighed deeply, looking at Alex with sadness in his eyes.

‘I’m so sorry Alex. I understand why you had to get out. This camp, this conversion therapy, it’s all _bullshit_. They can’t cure homosexuality or fix it; you know that don’t you?’ Trent smiled a little as Alex nodded. ‘And that is because there’s nothing wrong with you.’

Trent looked at Alex, who was staring down at the empty glass, his lips trembling.

‘Can I ask, Alex, what did you mean when you said your Dad hurt you?’

Alex looked up, his eyes shining with tears.

‘T-the first thing was he crushed my hands under his, he put all his weight into it and I c-couldn’t move. Then after I said I was gay he… he grabbed me and he pulled me by my hair, then he shoved my face into the desk, and his h-hand was on my neck and I, I couldn’t breathe, and I thought he was gonna, he was gon-gonna… kill me.’ Alex finished, collapsing in on himself, sobbing.

Trent moved swiftly, wrapping Alex into a hug.

‘Alex, I need you to listen to me, okay? You’re safe, I won’t let your Dad hurt you again. What he’s done, taking your inhaler, hurting you, it’s abuse. I know he’s your Dad but there’s no excuse for him to be treating you this way.’

Alex looked up, his face red, fresh tear tracks staining his face.

‘I j-just, I, don’t know what to do. I was going to go to my friend Bobby’s but I don’t know if I could make it there, and I was scared my Dad might come after me and make me go to the camp, and I thought of you and how nice you were to me even after my family have been nasty about you, and I thought I could maybe hide here for a bit or use your phone or something to tell my friends what happened. Bobby was meant to be coming to pick me up to walk to school in the morning, he didn’t want me walking alone again in case the jocks came after me again. Now he’s gonna come in the morning and he’ll find out about me running away, and about my Dad, everything’s ruined.’ Alex said, gasping for air as he finished.

Trent could see how this was tearing at Alex, and silently thanked whatever God there was that he had been so lucky to have his parents, who had been so unconditionally loving of him.

‘Alex, of course you can use our phone, and you can stay here for as long as you need. I’ll tell my parents in the morning, they’ll be totally fine with it. You’re not the first friend of mine whose turned up in the dead of night in need of shelter, I promise.’ Trent smiled willingly, leaning across the kitchen island to remove the phone from the holder on the wall. ‘You know the number for your friends house, right?’

Alex nodded, smiling shakily.

‘I do. Thanks Trent, I really appreciate this.’

‘Alex, it’s fine. You’re a friend, and you can always come to me if you need. I’m just gonna get some chips, now I’m up I’m starving. I’ll grab you some if you want, for after you’ve made the call?’

Trent passed the phone to Alex, who stared at it, his hands shaking slightly less than they had been before.

‘Thank you.’ Alex said softly, taking a deep breath as he dialled the number. Every ring of the phone sent new thoughts firing through his mind.

_What if they don’t answer?_

_What if they’re mad at me calling this late?_

_What if they make me go home?_

Alex pushed his thoughts away, steadying himself as he heard someone pick up the phone at the other end of the line, a groggy voice calling out.

‘Emily Patterson speaking, can I help you?’

Alex felt his tears escaping again, his breath jagged.

‘M-Mrs P-Patterson, it’s Alex.’

‘Alex, honey, what’s wrong?’ Alex could hear the alarm in her voice, no longer groggy but alert.

‘M-m-my Dad. H-he…’

Trent was suddenly there, an arm around Alex, who had completely collapsed back into despair. He took the phone gently out of Alex’s hand, and began to speak as Alex sobbed into his shoulder.

‘Hello, ma’am. I’m Trent Jones, I live four doors down from Alex. His Dad hurt him and wants to send him to a camp where they’re gonna destroy him. Alex has come to my house, he’s terrified. He wanted to let his friends know not to go to his house in the morning, a guy called Bobby was meant to be walking him to school?’ Trent said, trying his best to communicate the information clearly, all the while feeling devastated for Alex.

‘I swear, I’m going to kill Michael Mercer.’ Emily growled, Trent feeling impressed at the fierce protectiveness of the woman on the phone. 'Trent, is it okay if I come to your house?’

‘I’ll just double check with Alex, if that’s okay, ma’am?’ Emily agreed and Trent turned to Alex.

‘Are you okay if she comes over?’ Alex nodded.

Trent smiled, returning to the phone.

‘Alex is okay with that; my house is number 14.’

‘I’m on my way, thank you, Trent.’

* * *

Emily drove through the empty streets, her car thundering along. She was unaware of what speed she was doing, and, in this moment, she frankly did not care. She cursed to herself, furiously shaking as she drove.

_That bastard. How dare he hurt his son?_

Emily had a sinking feeling that she knew exactly what sort of camp Michael wanted to send his son to.

Russell’s parents had only been in touch with their son once after he’d came out to them, and that had only been to post him a brochure for conversion therapy in place of a Christmas card, and Emily had sat with him that night, crying through the night in his dorm, the brochure sat between them on his bed.

_I’m not going to let Alex get taken to a place like that. There’s nothing wrong with him, how are they going to claim they could cure something that is natural?_

A further anger built in her.

_Where was Daphne in all of this? What was she doing, did she know her son was being tormented by his father? Was she part of it? Or did she just not care?_

Turning onto Alex’s street, she passed the Mercer’s house, still in darkness.

Resisting the urge to pull the car onto the driveway and go and give them a piece of her mind, she focussed on what she was here for.

_I need to keep Alex safe. I didn’t get him away from them before they could start physically hurting him, but I won’t let anything else happen._

Pulling up outside number 14, Emily took a deep breath. She could see a handsome older boy with curly, messy hair in what were clearly his pyjamas, staring at her from the window.

Then, he disappeared from the window, and he opened the door, his voice quiet in the dark street.

‘Mrs Patterson?’

Emily nodded, smiling warmly. ‘You must be Trent, nice to meet you honey.’

The two made their way inside, Trent leading her to the lounge where Alex was now curled up on a cosy sofa.

Alex turned as they entered; his voice tiny.

‘I’m sorry, Mrs Patterson, I—’ Emily cut him off, her eyes fierce.

‘No, Alex, honey, do not apologise. You have done nothing wrong.’ She sat next to Alex on the sofa, taking his hand in hers.

‘Would you like a drink, Mrs Patterson?’ Trent said.

‘A water would be perfect, thank you. And Trent, please, call me Emily.’


	31. Someone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily makes decisions, Trent and Alex talk about the progress Alex has made.

Emily sat on the sofa, Alex enveloped in her tight embrace. In her hand she was gripping the brochure for Lake Carlisle. She had listened to Alex tearfully explain what had happened once she had dropped him off at his house and had persuaded Alex to let her see his stomach, where an ugly storm cloud of bruising had now appeared, the undeniable shape of a fist evident.

Alex had pleaded with her that those bruises weren’t from his dad but from Marshall, and it broke Emily’s heart to think that this boy had been through so much violence that day and that there would likely be bruising on his hands to follow.

Trent sat in an armchair across the room, now nursing a mug of hot chocolate. He could hear the sound of rain on the windows as they sat there.

‘Alex, we’re not letting them take you to this camp, I promise.’ Emily said. Part of her wished she’d insisted on Mitch coming with them in case they needed the extra physical backup, but she had instead told him to stay home and make things ready in case Alex wanted to stay with them.

_If it comes to it, I’ll fight Michael._

Swallowing her discomfort at the question she wanted desperately to ask, Emily spoke again.

‘Honey, where was your Mom during this?’

Alex looked up, hesitation etched on his face.

‘She tried to defend me, she said I needed to be allowed my inhaler. Then my Dad was mad at her, for saying that. He told me to get in the study or… he’d break my legs. Once my dad dismissed me from his study, I saw her in the hall, she was on the phone to someone.’ Alex said, feeling himself getting angry as it sank in. ‘She could see I was upset, like, really upset. But she didn’t do _anything_. I didn’t see them again for the rest of the night. I bet she hates me too.’ He finished, sniffling.

Emily bit her tongue, considering what to say.

‘It might be that she’s scared of your father, too. I’m not saying that to excuse her actions, or her lack of actions, but Daphne isn’t the same girl I used to know at school. I think your Dad has been a really bad influence on her.’ Emily finished.

There was the sound of movement upstairs, and then a creak on the stairs. Trent was up on his feet instantly, the mug of hot chocolate discarded on a small table.

‘Mom, I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to wake you, Alex needed my help.’ Trent said, smiling apologetically at the woman now stood in the hall.

Mrs Jones smiled sweetly. ‘Honey, you didn’t wake me. Your father did. He insists on not wearing his snoring aid, no matter how much I ask.’ Her tone was light, and Emily got the impression this wasn’t the first time that Mrs Jones had come downstairs to find a group of unexpected guests in her lounge.

Emily stood quickly, smiling thankfully at the woman.

‘I’m Emily Patterson, I’m Alex’s friend Luke’s mom.’

Mrs Jones smiled. ‘Susan Jones, it’s lovely to meet you Emily. I’m gonna make a drink, if you’d like one?’

Emily picked up on the quiet suggestion behind the words. ‘Yes please, I’ll come help you.’

The two women made their way into the kitchen, where Susan began rifling through her cupboards for fresh mugs.

‘I’m glad Alex has someone in his corner.’ Susan began suddenly. ‘I’ve worried about him being in that house.’

Emily nodded. ‘Me too.’

Noticing the family photo of the Jones’, held in place by the pink triangle she recognised, she spoke again.

‘Michael Mercer wants his son to go to conversion therapy.’

Susan winced. ‘That poor boy. His mother came round here with a load of pamphlets about sodomy and details of one of those places after she found out my Trent’s gay, I told her exactly where to shove them.’

‘I don’t know what to do, Susan. I’m not letting him take Alex to that place, but I don’t think Michael is the sort of man who likes being told no. He’s already started hurting Alex when he thinks he’s being disrespectful.’

Susan placed a hand on Emily’s shoulder.

‘You’re here for Alex, that’s all we can do, really. Your son, Luke, does he know Alex is gay?’

‘He does, he’s fully supportive of him.’ Emily said, feeling proud of the son she had raised.

‘That’s wonderful, I know my Trent told me he was terrified of how his friends would react and most of them were fine, but he did lose a few friends who felt he’d been dishonest. If Alex has friends like your son Luke who he can trust, he’ll be able to get through this. We just need to prevent Michael from being able to hurt him.’

Emily nodded again; her mind was made up.

‘If Alex wants, he can stay at my house. I’m not letting him go back to Michael and Daphne.’ she said.

* * *

In the lounge, Trent and Alex were talking.

‘It might not feel like it now, but you’ve come a really long way since we talked on the hill.’ Trent said, smiling fondly.

‘I guess I have.’ Alex murmured softly.

‘You definitely have, are you kidding me? You’ve been incredibly brave; you told your friends you were gay and that’s gone well. You also told your Dad, and his reaction was admittedly awful, but you did it. You’re really brave, Alex Mercer.’

Alex smiled, staring at Trent’s handsome face smiling back at him.

Before he could stop himself, his lips were pressing against Trent’s.

It was a fleeting, quick, urgent kiss.

As soon as it was done, Alex lurched back in horror.

_What did you do that for?_

‘T-Trent, I’m so sorry, shit, I shouldn’t have done that, I’m really sorry.’ Alex felt his breath straining.

_God, I wish I had my inhaler._

Trent could see Alex was beginning to panic, and lightly placed his hand on Alex’s.

‘Alex, it’s okay. Emotions are running high.’

Alex exhaled shakily, his face deep red with embarrassment.

‘I shouldn’t have done that, though. You’re older and you’re my friend, or at least you were. I understand if you don’t wanna be friends anymore.’

‘Alex, you’re fine. I still wanna be your friend. Was that your first kiss?’ Alex nodded, averting his eyes.

Trent smiled, moving so he could meet Alex’s gaze. ‘Then it’s good, at least your first kiss is always gonna be one that you had with someone who cares about you. As a friend, admittedly, but Alex, I do care about you still.’

Alex blushed. ‘Thank you for being so nice. What was your first kiss like?’

Trent laughed to himself, then checked to see that the Mom’s weren’t on their way back into earshot.

‘It was pretty bad to be fair. It was my friend Sinead, and the moment I kissed her just solidified that I never wanted to kiss a girl ever again. My first guy kiss though, that was great. It was a guy called Dennis. When he kissed me, it felt like the world was bursting into technicolor. Then, he wanted to go further, and I wasn’t ready for it, and he was respectful. Which is important, Alex. When you get a boyfriend, and you will, you’re a great guy, you need to make sure you’re with someone who doesn’t wanna push you to do stuff you’re not ready for. If the guy is the right guy for you, he won’t push you into doing stuff, okay?’

Alex nodded, blushing. ‘Okay.’

Trent grinned. ‘I’m proud of you Alex, just know that.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I liked the idea of Alex's first kiss being one that he could always know was with someone who cared a lot about him. 
> 
> Also, I've worked out in my mind that Alex and the rest of the guys are 15 at this point, so it's a fair bit of time away from them dying. Trent is 17.


	32. Homeward Bound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily takes Alex to his new home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Talk of suicidal thoughts, self harm, conversion therapy, homophobia, reference to suicide

It was 3.45am when Emily and Alex left Trent’s house. Sandra had carried Alex’s cases and rucksack and lowered them softly into the trunk of Emily’s car, mindful of making as little noise as possible.

Trent and Alex had hugged, Trent pressing a piece of paper with his phone number scrawled on it into Alex’s hand. ‘Call me if you ever wanna hang out or just talk, okay?’

Alex nodded, thanking Trent, then Sandra had hugged him, telling him that he could always come to them if he needed.

Now, as the rain pelted down on the car, Alex sat in silence, refusing to look at his house as Emily drove past it. Emily smiled sadly in the darkness.

‘I’m sorry Alex.’

Alex stared at her as they turned off his street onto the main road. ‘W-what for?’

Emily sighed. ‘I knew what sort of person your father was and I should have got you out of that house long before he did this to you.’

‘Mrs Patterson, it’s fine. I would have still gone back to him. I’ve been afraid of him for a long time, I just was too scared to get out. You’ve helped me so much, and Luke has. Last night, before I packed up my stuff, I was thinking what I’d do if I couldn’t get out, if my Dad caught me leaving or something. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t go to the camp, even if, even if it meant letting him kill me.’

Emily gasped. ‘Sweetheart, I kn—’

Alex cut her off, the words flowing freely now he’d started. ‘I’ve found myself thinking about stuff like that before, like, I thought about throwing myself out of my window. Just so I wouldn’t have to be me. I thought it might be better if I was dead.’

‘Honey, we all love you so much. Me, Luke, Mitch. If you ever get that sort of feeling again, of wanting to harm yourself, please, please tell one of us. Any time.’

Alex nodded swiftly. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t apologise, Alex. Do you think you might want to see a counsellor, to talk about this? We could find one and make sure they’re not homophobic?’

Alex thought. ‘Maybe, if that would be okay? I don’t wanna be a burden, it’s bad enough I’ve made you come out and get me.’

‘No, Alex, your being safe is not a burden. Do you remember when I got you that book of breathing exercises?’ She smiled as Alex nodded. ‘I got that because your parents wouldn’t take you to therapy in case someone saw you or them there. I knew that it was ridiculous of them, but I couldn’t make them take you to therapy. So I got you the book to help you. And now, I want to help you again.

I don’t want you to end up like my friend Russell, thinking there’s no other way than to end things. I don’t want Christmases and birthdays to go by and to think ‘Alex would have loved this’ or ‘Alex should be here’.

I want you around, we all do. Your parents are too blind to see what a special guy you are.’ She finished, her voice thick with tears as they neared the Patterson house.

‘Thank you, Mrs Patterson. Emily,’ he quickly corrected himself as she looked at him, smiling softly.

‘I want to be okay, I really do. I want to love myself, and be okay with who I am, but sometimes I feel like my parents are right. Or if I tried harder to be good, they would still love me…’ Alex tailed off, his eyes wide as they pulled up outside the Patterson house. He could see Luke in the window, waiting with Mitch.

Emily switched off the car. ‘Your parents are wrong to make you feel bad for being gay. And your father invalidated any claim to deserving you as a son the moment he started laying hands on you. People who love you don’t make you feel how they’ve made you feel, Alex. You can be happy as who you are, I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will be happy. Look at your friend Trent, he came out and he’s happy. It might take time, but you can be happy one day too.’

Alex blushed. ‘I kissed Trent. It was stupid. He was telling me I’d been brave, and I just kissed him.’

Emily smiled at the blonde boy. ‘Well, Trent was right, you have been very brave.’

Alex looked at her, unbuckling his seatbelt. ‘Right now, I just feel like I’ve made things worse for everyone.’

Luke was now out of the door, hurrying into the rain towards the car, feet splashing in the rain.

‘Alex, oh my God. Dad said you’d ran away to Trent’s. What happened? Are you okay? Did your Dad d-?’

‘Luke Patterson, stop bombarding the poor boy with questions and get him inside!’ Mitch called firmly from the door, an unmistakeable twinkle in his eye even in the early morning gloom.

Luke paused, grabbing Alex’s hand firmly, then pausing when Alex audibly gasped. Confusion and horror mingled on Luke’s face, settling into a look of sorrow as he connected the dots.

_Alex’s dad hurt him._

Luke hurried into the house with Alex, while Mitch stepped out into the rain.

‘I’ll get Alex’s things out of the car, you get inside, Em.’ He said softly.

‘It’s worse than I thought, Mitch. That bastard hurt him and was gonna drag him off to conversion therapy today.’ Emily said, her face ashen.

Mitch cursed as he headed out to the car. He’d always been fond of Alex, wanting to encourage him as much as he could.

Hauling the first of the suitcases in, he remembered being in the lounge with the boys when on some terrible show they were watching, a guy had kissed his friend. Mitch had cast a glance over the boys and saw the soft horror of recognition coat Alex’s face, and how quiet the boy had been for the rest of the night.

_That boy wouldn’t hurt a fly, and that sorry excuse for a father was gonna take him off to some quack to torture him._

Mitch gritted his teeth, and set out back into the downpour for the rest of Alex’s things.

Luke was pacing around his room, his face full of thunder.

‘How dare you Dad do that? What kind of man hurts their son?’

‘Luke, please. Don’t be mad. It wasn’t that bad, really..’

‘Wasn’t that bad? He crushed your hands, said he’d break your legs and took your inhaler! Then he pinned you down to a table by your neck! The guy’s a psycho, why are you defending him?’

‘Because he’s my Dad!’ Alex yelled, fresh tears sparkling on his face.

The room fell silent at that, the words hanging in the air.

Luke’s face fell, seeing how distraught his friend was.

‘Alex, I’m sorry, I—’ Luke grabbed the blonde as he fell towards him, sobs racking his body.

‘What am I going to do?’ Alex whimpered into Luke’s shoulder.

Luke didn’t know what to say, so he sat, clinging to Alex as the boy bawled his eyes out.


	33. No Place in Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mercer's aren't going to let Alex go without a few last attempts to hurt him. Thankfully, he has his chosen family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: homophobic language, language, discussion of conversion therapy.

At 7am, Emily dialled the number for Bobby’s house, smiling to herself as Bobby drowsily answered.

‘Bobby Wilson.’ ‘Bobby, it’s Emily Patterson.’

‘Hey Mrs Patterson! What’s up? Is everything okay?’

Emily hesitated. ‘It’s about Alex.’

‘Me and Reg were going over there to walk him to school in a bit. Has something happened?’

‘Alex is here, he’s gonna be staying here for the foreseeable. He’s not going to school today. Do you want me to come get you boys and bring you here? I think Alex needs his friends.’

‘We can walk over to yours, Mrs Patterson, it’s no bother. We’ll see you in a bit?’

‘Okay, you boys be careful. We’ll see you soon.’ Bobby stared at Reggie as he hung up the phone.

‘Something bad has happened, I can tell. If Alex is staying there, there has to be a reason.’

Reggie shrugged sleepily. ‘You’re right. I hope Alex is okay.’

* * *

Emily stared at the phone ringing. She recognised the number on the display and took a long breath as she answered.

‘Emily Patterson.’

‘Thank God you’re there. It’s Daphne, something’s happened. Alex has gone, all his stuff is gone.’ Daphne sounded alarmed, and Emily hesitated.

_Maybe Daphne doesn’t know anything about what Michael’s done?_

‘Did anything happen to make Alex leave?’ Emily said, trying to keep her tone neutral.

‘Well, I didn’t want anyone to know but I can trust you, right?’

‘Of course, Daphne.’

‘Well, Alex told Michael he thinks he’s a _homosexual_ ,’ Daphne began, lowering her voice on the last word as though she thought the neighbours might hear, ‘and Alex begged him for help. Michael had arranged for Alex to go to a facility for treatment, but now Alex has disappeared. We don’t know what’s going on, maybe Alex has gotten himself in a bad situation with a predator who might have convinced him to run away with him? You know how _those people_ are, always targeting the young, taking advantage when they’re vulnerable and confused. I just wondered, maybe Alex might have told Luke where he was going?’ Daphne finished.

Emily gritted her teeth in disgust.

‘Daphne. I’m going to be honest with you, we’ve known each other for so long now. I don’t think you understand just how wrongheaded you are. Homosexuals, as you put it, don’t take advantage of people, they’re not predators. I know exactly what sort of facility your husband wants Alex to go to and I know just how damaging that can be.’

‘I don’t think I understand, Emily. You’re talking like you think being _like that_ is acceptable.’

‘Because I do, Daphne. I’ve had friends who were gay before and I loved them, and I still love them. If Alex is gay, that makes no difference. He’s still your son, and no ridiculous facility is going to change that.’ Emily winced at her own heated tone.

‘I don’t, I --, no, no. You’re wrong, Emily. You’ve allowed your faith to lapse, you’ve been corrupted. My son is not a fag, maybe your son is, but mine has been raised better.’ Daphne snipped.

Emily couldn’t contain herself any longer.

‘Fuck you, Daphne.’

‘Excuse me?!’

‘I said, fuck you. I think your sorry excuse of a husband has helped to poison your mind, you used to be so kind and loving.

Now look at yourself, hurling accusations, judging others by ridiculous standards. Looking down on me and Mitch.

We’re not like you and Michael as parents, obviously. If Luke told me he loved boys I would be there for him, it wouldn’t change a thing because he is my son, and my love is unconditional.’

‘How dare you criticise me? You know where Alex is, don’t you? I bet he’s there now, feeding you lies about how mean we are, just because we have morals. I bet your son has been confusing him, making him think he’s a fag.

God has looked upon you and found your family lacking, Emily Patterson. You keep your scum child away from my boy.’

Emily hung up the phone, her whole body shaking with rage. She turned to see Mitch, holding Alex as the boy sobbed.

Luke stood by Alex; his face drained of colour. ‘Mom?’ Emily hurried across the room, sweeping Luke into a warm embrace.

‘If they come here, we’re calling the police.’ Emily said. ‘I’m not gonna let them take you back to their home so they can beat you or drag you to conversion therapy, Alex.’

Alex pulled away from Mitch, staring sadly at Emily. ‘Maybe I should go to the camp? I could lie and say it’s cured me, just long enough until I’m an adult?’

‘Alex, no…’ Luke began, his eyes watery.

‘I just, I don’t want to make things worse for you all. I just, I just… I just want this to be okay.’ Alex finished, his lip trembling.

‘You’re not going to that camp, son.’ Mitch said firmly. ‘I’m not gonna watch you be bullied or tormented anymore just because you’re being yourself. Your parents have no right to make you feel like they are. Now, I am going to make us all breakfast.’

* * *

The Patterson’s, Bobby, Reggie, and Alex sat around the table, eating the delicious breakfast Mitch had made.

Reggie and Bobby had arrived just after 8 and had sat in the lounge as Alex explained what had happened.

Mitch had firmly stood in the doorway as Bobby tried to storm out, determined to give Michael Mercer exactly what Bobby felt he deserved.

Reggie had cried, silently wishing he’d persuaded Alex to stay at Bobby’s with him the night before.

Luke held Alex’s hand gently throughout, mindful of the darkening bruises on the blonde boys’ hands. The boys now ate in silence, enjoying the food but unable to avoid the question on everyone’s lips.

_What if the Mercer’s come looking for Alex?_

The sound of a car pulling up outside caused everyone to stop eating, their plates, bowls and cutlery falling silent. Mitch was on his feet in seconds, moving towards the door, reaching it just after there was a soft knock.

Mitch opened the door to a man who Alex instantly recognised, a chill shooting down his spine.

Reverend Allen smiled a sickly looking smile at Mitch, extending a hand in greeting. All the while his eyes were firmly looking at Alex, a cold ice in them.

‘Good morning, I’m Reverend Allen. The Mercer’s have asked me to come and collect their son, Alexander. I can see him, hello, Alexander, good to see you,’ the Reverend said, his voice filled with an insincere warmth. ‘I’m taking Alexander on a Church retreat, it’s very good of you to give him breakfast, but we must be going if we’re going to miss traffic.’

The Reverend made to step inside, frowning as he found himself blocked by Mitch.

‘Now Reverend, I know exactly where you’re planning on taking Alex. _Camp Carlisle._ I have a pretty clear idea of what you’d do to him if I let you take him. It’s not happening.’

Any pleasantries that Reverend Allen had been presenting slipped momentarily, and when he responded his voice was firm, far more in line with the way he spoke in Church.

‘I am under firm instruction from Alexander’s parents that I am to take him with me or he is never going to be welcome in their home again. I don’t know whether you’re fully aware of what’s under your roof. Alexander is a sexual deviant, he needs treatment. Surely you respect the wishes of his parents?’

‘I don’t, as it happens. It’s hard to respect parents who think it’s acceptable to hurt their children.’ Reverend Allen tutted at this, his eyes surveying those at the table.

‘It’s not safe for those boys. Alex is in a place where he is far from God. He may try and corrupt and interfere with your son, or yourself. Those with his affliction are severely lacking in restraint, or standards.’

Alex felt like dying. His stomach was twisting and cramping. His face was flushed with embarrassment as the Reverend spoke. Luke took his hand again, which the Reverend was quick to seize upon.

‘See! They’re already becoming compromised by exposure to the boy. Let me take him.’

Mitch turned slightly to see what exactly it was causing the Reverend to spout this nonsense. Jumping on the opportunity, Reverend Allen tried to push past Mitch.

Bobby and Reggie were out of their seats now, as was Emily, determined to block the man from getting any closer to Alex.

Mitch seized the Reverend’s arm.

‘You are not welcome in my house, and you’re not going anywhere near Alex. That boy is like a son to me, you won’t take him!’

The Reverend looked at Mitch with withering disdain, his disapproval making him oblivious to the fire in Mitch’s eyes.

‘Alexander, if you don’t come with me now, you do understand what the consequences are. This is your last chance to escape eternal damnation. Come with me now and let us heal you, and your parents will be able to love you again.’

Alex remained in place, trembling as he watched the scene unfolding.

‘Alexander, your parents won’t be able to associate with you if you don’t rid yourself of this perversion. Do you want to be alone in the world, without parents, without love? Doomed to wander the Earth alone, your only company being those who will be equally damned as you are?’

Alex spoke, his voice shaking.

‘I won’t be alone. I’ve got my friends, I’ve got Mr and Mrs Patterson. If there’s no place in heaven for me as I am, or for those who love me as I am, I don’t think I want to go there.’

Luke smiled at Alex. He was incredibly proud of his friend.

Reverend Allen scowled.

‘Rest assured, there will be no place in heaven for you or any of these people who encourage your vice. Think on, Alexander. You’re throwing away any chance of saving your family for the sake of your delusions that what you've decided to be is in anyway acceptable.’

‘You need to leave, now.’ Mitch snarled at the Reverend, the grip tightening on his arm. Reverend Allen shook himself free of Mitch’s grip.

‘I’m going. I hope you think this is worth it, Alexander,’ he said as he stood in the doorway, ‘turning your back on God and his people.’

‘I-I think it is.’ Alex said, firmly.

The Reverend’s face coloured, and he looked as though he was about to say something else.

Mitch shoved the man onto the front step, slamming the door behind him, locking it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mitch is a sweet man <3


	34. The Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys hang out

The boys swarmed around Alex, forming a messy hug.

‘Dude, that was so brave!’ Reggie smiled, pressing a soft kiss against Alex’s forehead.

‘Reggie’s right, we’re so proud of you.’ Bobby murmured, meeting Alex’s gaze.

Luke looked at his parents, and slipped out of the embrace and went over to where his Dad stood.

‘Thank you, Dad. For protecting Alex.’ he whispered.

‘I meant what I said Luke,’ Mitch said as he put an arm around his son, ‘Alex is like a son to me, I’m glad you boys are here for him. Now,’ raising his volume to a comfortable speaking voice, ‘let’s finish this breakfast.’

‘I’ve called the school,’ Emily said, returning to the room from the kitchen. ‘I’ve told them you’re all sick with food poisoning and probably won’t be in for the start of next week.’

‘Sweet! Thanks Mrs Patterson!’ Reggie grinned.

Emily smiled fondly at the raven-haired boy.

* * *

Later the boys sat in Luke’s room, Alex perched on Luke’s bed next to him, Bobby splayed on the floor, Reggie sat cross legged next to him.

‘So, I _was_ right about you liking Trent!’ Bobby crowed, smiling smugly up at Alex.

Alex had told the group about the fleeting first kiss he’d had, and now his face was a deep red.

‘It was so embarrassing, Bobbers. He was just being nice and there I was throwing myself at him.’

Bobby smiled. ‘You’re fine, Alex. He seemed like a really cool guy, it’s nice that your first kiss was with someone special to you.’

‘It’s pretty cool that you’re the first one of us to have a first kiss!’ Reggie mused.

‘Hey! I kissed Golda Leonards in fifth grade!’ Luke pouted.

‘ _That_ was truth or dare, and I seem to recall you missing her mouth and kissing her eye.’ Alex smirked, fondly.

‘Still, it kinda counts.’ Luke muttered.

‘Sure, it does,’ Reggie snorted. ‘Maybe one day you’ll kiss someone on their actual lips!’

Alex smiled to himself, picking up on the lack of gender specifics in Reggie’s words.

He felt so comfortable with his friends, seeing how much they cared about him helped to ease the uncomfortable feeling he often had in his bones, so much tension easing for the first time in a long time.

‘Do you think you and Trent might get together?’ Luke asked.

Alex scoffed. ‘No chance, he’s two years older, he’s practically an adult! Besides, I’d rather have him in my life as a friend than risk it for a little crush.’

Bobby nodded. ‘That’s fair. When the time comes for you to have your first date, you better let us meet the lucky guy and give him the talk.’

‘What?!’

‘You know, just the usual ‘you better treat my boy right’ chat.’ Bobby said, shrugging. ‘We’ll be doing the same for whoever these two dopes get dates with.’ He finished, gesturing towards Luke and Reggie.

‘Well, as long as you know we’ll do the same for you, Bobbers.’ Reggie beamed.

Bobby pouted. ‘I’m not sure about this Bobbers name, guys.’

Luke laughed. ‘Just accept it, dude. It’s sticking.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex grinned. ‘It’s not going anywhere, _Bobbers_.’

Bobby frowned. ‘I’m just unsure how it’s gonna work when we’re all selling out stadiums in our band and I’m still being called Bobbers.’

‘Talking of our band,’ Luke said, ‘have we thought of a name?’

‘Erm, I don’t know,’ Alex shrugged. ‘You know I’m not the most creative.’

‘Don’t be hard on yourself, ‘Lex.’ Luke said, placing a hand on Alex’s shoulder, ‘I’ve seen the grades you get in English, you’re really good. Let’s try and come up with something.’

And so, the boys set to work, each suggesting names that were good, but not quite right.

After what felt like hours, the boys stared at the sheet of paper in front of them, Alex’s handwriting on it as his had always been the most legible.

_Sunset Curve._

‘I really like it.’ Luke said softly.

‘Me too.’ Alex said.

‘It’s good, very catchy!’ Bobby smiled.

The three turned to Reggie, who had a soft glow to his face.

‘I love it.’

A soft knock on the door disturbed the boys, Luke bouncing off the bed to answer it.

Emily smiled at the boys, taking in the scene.

‘I just needed to borrow Alex for a few minutes, is that okay, honey?’ Emily said, and Alex felt his face fall as she looked at him.

_This is it. They can’t let me stay. They’ve changed their minds about me being here, or they're sending back to my parents..._

‘Y-Yes, ma’am.’ Alex squeaked, his voice cracking.

Alex closed the door slowly behind him, following Emily down the corridor to a small office.

He could feel his heart racing and tried to steady himself for the inevitable.

‘Alex, why don’t you sit down?’ Emily said softly, gesturing to a comfy armchair. Alex complied, lowering himself into the chair as Emily sat at the desk.

‘I understand if you want me to go.’ Alex said abruptly.

‘What? Honey, no, this is your home for as long as you want it.’ Emily said, moving from her chair, her face pinched with alarm.

‘I, I’m sorry, I thought you’d changed your mind about me being here.’ Alex blurted, feeling his face redden.

‘Never. I just wanted to have a quick chat about what we discussed before. About sorting out a therapist for you. If you still want to, it’s fine if you don’t.’ Emily added quickly, bringing a notebook from the desk over to Alex.

‘I’ve been making some calls in case you wanted to see someone, and I’ve been checking that they’re not homophobic and that they're experienced with gay clients, too. I found a couple of options, we could see how it goes? It’s entirely up to you, if you don’t want to it changes nothing about you staying here of course, I just… I worry that you might feel that hurting yourself is the right way. I can’t begin to imagine what it feels like to be you, but I want you to know we love you. Whatever you choose, we’ll stand by you.’

Emily smiled as Alex hugged her tightly.

‘Thank you, Mrs Patterson…Emily. Thank you. I think, if it’s okay, I could try one of these therapists, maybe?’

‘You can try as many as you need, if they’re not a good match or they don’t feel right to you we can look for another. I’ve been in touch with a few pharmacies too, about sorting out your inhaler.’

Alex smiled up at the woman, who was being so kind, so understanding.

‘Why don’t you take the details I’ve written about the therapists and have a look later maybe, have a bit of quiet time to take it in?’

‘Thanks, Mrs Patterson. Really. I can’t explain what it means to me.’

‘It’s a pleasure, Alex, but please, call me Emily.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a fluffier chapter, but one I felt was very much needed after the heaviness of the last chapters!


	35. All Through the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Luke talk, then the morning brings its own challenges

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Talk of depression, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self-harm, mild sexual content.

Late that evening, Luke and Alex lay in the bedroom they were now sharing, Luke having insisted Alex have the bed whilst Luke now lay on the air mattress Mitch had set up on the floor. Reggie and Bobby had gone home, Bobby to meet his Pops and Nana, who were coming into the city for a long weekend before Pops had a hospital appointment on Monday and Reggie had insisted on going back to his for the night, assuring everyone that he would come over tomorrow.

‘Hey, ‘Lex?’ Luke called out in the gloom of the room.

‘Yeah?’ Alex said, softly.

‘What did Mom want to talk to you about earlier?’ Alex paused.

He’d known when he returned to the room, the notebook pages Emily had torn out of her journal for him stuffed in his jean pocket, that the explanation he’d given about it just being about his inhaler hadn’t convinced Luke, and it was no surprise to hear Luke following up on it.

‘She thinks it’d be good for me to see a therapist, cos of… some of the thoughts I’ve had about hurting myself.’ Alex said, quietly.

Alex could make out Luke sitting bolt upright in the dark, shuffling off the air mattress and coming over to the bed.

‘Alex…’

The blonde boy inhaled as he could hear from the tremor in Luke’s voice that he was trying not to cry.

He pulled back the covers, and Luke climbed into the bed with him.

Alex found it strange that this was so close yet so far from the contents of his most shameful dreams. In his dreams of course, Luke wasn’t crying, so Alex shoved those thoughts to the back of his mind.

‘Luke… I can’t help it.’

‘How long have you wanted to hurt yourself?’ Luke snuffled.

‘I’ve had thoughts about stuff for a few years now. Not all the time, just every now and then.’

Luke was crying heavier now, and Alex reached out in the dark, feeling his friend reaching back as they lay in the bed together. The boys linked hands, and lay in the dark together.

‘What sort of thing makes you think of it? Is it certain stuff that makes you wanna do that?’

Alex decided honesty was the best way to get through this, so he took a deep breath.

‘One of the first times I remember really thinking I shouldn’t be alive was… I was thirteen, and I’d had a dream about a boy. In the dream we, y’know, _kissed and stuff_ , and then when I woke up I was… hard. I felt so disgusted by myself, I thought about going in my bathroom and just filling the tub, staying under the water until I was gone.’

Luke sobbed harder. ‘A-Alex. Please don’t hurt yourself. Please.’

‘I’m trying, I really don’t want to, it’s just hard, I have these thoughts and they’re so cruel and I try and ignore them but sometimes I think they’re right.’ Alex finished, realising as he spoke that he’d started weeping too.

‘If you feel that, please tell me, it’s breaking my heart thinking of you wanting to hurt yourself and none of us knowing you felt that.’ Luke said, his voice wavering but firm.

‘I promise. If I feel it, I’ll tell you.’ Alex said, giving Luke’s hand a squeeze. The two boys sniffed, Alex using his free hand to wipe his tears away.

‘I’ve been writing a song,’ Luke said abruptly. ‘It’s probably shitty, but I’d like to play it for you sometime, if that’s okay?’

Alex turned in the dark so he was facing Luke. ‘Dude, I’d love that, and you know it won’t be shitty. You’ve got a gift, you with that guitar, it’s right.’

Alex could feel that Luke was smiling in the dark.

‘This song I think might be good on keyboard, I’ll show you when it’s ready?’

‘Sounds good to me!’ Alex grinned. He was so happy to see how passionate Luke was about music, the way Luke lit up when the boys had first started playing around with their instruments was amazing.

It certainly didn’t hurt that he thought Luke looked hotter than ever with his guitar in hand, his muscled arms on display, but Alex would never admit that.

Alex woke up the next morning to a sight he thought he’d never see.

Luke was facing away from him, naked as the day he was born, looking for clothes in the chest of drawers by the air mattress. Alex looked away quickly, not wanting his friend to know he’d seen him, his face on fire.

‘Hey, ‘Lex. You awake?’ Luke called softly, staring at the blonde boy who was turned to face the wall.

Alex pretended to be just waking up.

‘I am now.’ He murmured. Alex then looked down and had to will himself not to jump in alarm.

_I can’t be. Not in front of Luke. Shit. Shit. Shit._

‘You okay, ‘Lex?’ Luke murmured, padding his way across the room, now wearing a sleeveless shirt and boxer shorts.

Alex panicked, yanking the duvet covers up, desperate not to be seen like this. Luke paused, as Alex turned his head to face him, trying to be nonchalant.

‘Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little drowsy still.’ Alex babbled, quickly.

‘Okay, I was just gonna let you know the bathrooms free if you wanted a shower or anything,’ Luke said softly, ‘that is, unless you wanna wait til your morning wood’s gone.’

Alex gasped.

_How did he know? Shit._

‘L-Luke, I’m sorry, I, I didn’t—’

‘Dude, it’s fine, we’re both guys. Happens to the best of us. I can give you a minute if you wanna wait til it’s gone or...’

‘I didn’t mean to see you naked; I just woke up and there you were, mooning my bed.’ Alex finished weakly.

_Why the hell did you tell him you'd seen him naked? What's wrong with you?_

‘Alex, it’s fine. I didn’t think before coming back in here after my shower. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to flash you.’

‘I looked away as soon as I saw, I promise.’

Luke smiled gently as he sat on the corner of the bed.

‘Alex, it’s fine. If anything, I’m flattered that I inspire that sort of reaction,’ Luke snickered lightly, ‘If it’s more comfortable for you, I can take my clothes to the bathroom and change into them there after my shower?’

Alex smiled timidly at Luke, all the while willing his hard-on to _go away, like, five minutes ago._

‘I’m gonna go and see if there’s any waffles left; Bobby probably ate them all yesterday though. Come join me when you’re ready?’ Luke said, and then made his way out of the room.

* * *

Once his problem had gone away and he’d showered and dressed, Alex made his way to the kitchen, where he found Luke hard at work, toasting bagels.

As he noticed Alex approaching, Luke turned, giving the boy a long hug.

‘I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable Alex, really. I didn’t wanna make you feel like I was being a dick or anything.’

‘You’re fine, I just didn’t expect the first thing I saw when my eyes opened to be your bare ass,’ Alex chuckled.

Luke puffed up his chest. ‘Well at least I know it’s an appealing ass.’ He teased gently, earning himself an incredulous look from Alex.

Alex could feel himself blushing.

‘Don’t get too full of yourself, Luke, or your head will be as big as your ass.’

Luke gasped in mock horror. ‘You love it, really.’

He turned back to check on the bagels, speaking as he did so. ‘Seriously though. What happened is natural, and nothing to be embarrassed by, you know that, right?’

Alex shrugged. ‘I wish I’d been allowed to attend Sex Ed classes, maybe I wouldn’t be so clueless and repressed then.’

Luke sighed, remembering how embarrassed Alex had looked when everyone else was going off to their Sex Education classes, while he walked the other way to the library.

‘You didn’t miss too much, all we did was learn how to put a condom on a banana and that we shouldn’t ever have sex unless we wanna get a girl pregnant, which isn’t really a risk for you.’ Luke said, his tone light.

‘Thank goodness,’ Alex said sarcastically, ‘I wouldn’t wanna have a kid and them turn out screwed up like me.’

Luke was quickly by the blonde’s side. ‘Don’t do that, Alex. Don’t put yourself down like that.’

The moment was interrupted by a knocking on the door, and the sight of Reggie waving manically at them.


	36. Rainbow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex, Reggie and Luke spend quality time together, and Bobby has a tough time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: References to domestic abuse

‘Good morning, boys!’ Reggie said breezily as Luke let him in. ‘What are we talking about?’

Luke looked at Alex swiftly. ‘I was just telling Alex not to put himself down.’

‘It was just a joke, I swear!’ Alex said, rolling his eyes.

‘I just don’t want you being hard on yourself for something that you can’t change.’

Reggie grabbed a bagel, then started smothering it in cream cheese. ‘Luke’s right, you should be proud of yourself. You’ve achieved a lot.’

 _‘I’m sure.’_ Alex scoffed, taking the bagel from Reggie’s hand. ‘I’ve achieved _so much_ as a teenage runaway who can’t even defend himself in a fight, so his friends have to step in.’ He ripped a chunk of the bagel off with his teeth, chewing it sullenly.

‘What if we helped with that?’ Reggie said quickly. ‘There’s a self-defence class down at the Keene Community Centre, it’s free and it’s open to everyone.’

‘How do you know about that?’ Luke asked, covering a fresh bagel in cream cheese and passing it to Reggie.

‘I may have gone a couple of times,’ Reggie said quietly, ‘just in case things get really bad at home.’

‘Reg, you can always come stay here, if you want to.’ Luke said, his heart aching for his friend.

‘I’m okay, but thank you.’ Reggie replied quickly, then shoved the bagel into his mouth.

‘The class sounds great, Reg.’ Alex said, wiping his sleeve over his mouth. ‘When is it?’

‘Wednesday evenings, 7 til 8.30.’ Reggie responded brightly, smiling at his friends.

‘Let’s do it!’ Alex said.

* * *

Meanwhile Bobby sat in his house with his head in his hands, trying to take in what his Grandparents had told him.

‘So, Mom and Dad were just gonna move to Salt Lake City and not even tell me, let alone mention they were selling the house?’ He scowled.

His Pops smiled sadly at him. ‘I’m sorry, Bob. I don’t know what’s wrong with your father. I thought I raised him to be responsible and decent, but I can’t get through to him. I’m so glad you exist, you’re such a light in our lives, but I don’t think your father was meant to be a Dad.’

Nana Wilson grasped Bobby’s hand in hers, watching her grandson cry, silent disbelief on his face. ‘We’re gonna sort you out a place of your own, Bobby. We’ve got enough in our savings to get you a nice place, it can be a proper home. We’ll come by as often as we can. We love you so much, my beautiful boy, I’m sorry.’

* * *

Luke, Alex, and Reggie had finished eating, and now, after bidding a quick farewell to Mitch and Emily, who were sitting in the backyard nursing mugs of coffee, headed into town, Luke leading the way. The three found themselves outside Corinne’s Crystals and Jewellery.

‘This is where I got you your pink triangle,’ Luke said softly. ‘I thought maybe we could get something nice that matches, and one for Bobby too?’

‘That’s a great idea,’ said Reggie, then his face fell. ‘I didn’t bring any money though.’

‘Neither did I,’ Alex said sheepishly. ‘Maybe I’ll get a job? I know I’m young but I wanna contribute to your family.’ He finished, looking down at his shoes.

‘Don’t worry about it, I told Mom I wanted to get something last night and she’s given me plenty of money. Consider this a _welcome to the family_ shopping trip, and that includes you, Reg. You’re part of my family too.’ Luke said.

Reggie looked at the sky, trying to blink away the tears welling up in his eyes. The boys made their way into the store, carefully making their way to the cabinet where Luke had the triangle pin recommended to him. Corinne was there today, gently dusting the shelving with a feathery duster, her smile broadening as she saw the boys approach.

‘Ah, hello again. Did your friend like the pin?’ she smiled amiably at Luke.

‘He did, I mean, I did,’ Alex began, slowly unzipping his fannypack to reveal the pin inside. ‘I keep it with me at all times.’

Corinne clapped her hands together. ‘How wonderful, I’m so glad you liked it. Your friend here was very keen to show you how proud he is of you.’ She smiled sweetly at Alex, who smiled softly back, his eyes misty.

‘We were actually wondering, ma’am, if you might have anything that we could wear as his friends to show that we’re all proud of Alex?’ Luke said.

Corinne’s eyes twinkled, and she gestured at the items on a revolving display stand not far from the cabinet with the pins. ‘Maybe these? It’s bold but you boys seem very confident.’ She said, presenting a small circular badge with the rainbow flag printed on it.

Luke looked to the others, who smiled encouragingly.

‘Those are perfect, can we have four please?’ Luke said, and Corinne removed them from the display, ringing them up at her cash register.

‘I’ll give you this as well,’ she said, reaching underneath the counter, returning with a small rainbow flag, ‘free of charge, of course. You should be very proud of who you are, my dear.’ She finished, smiling comfortingly at Alex.

‘I’ll do my best. Thank you.’ Alex said as she passed him the small flag, which seemed to glow to him even in the dimly lit store, the colours popping.

Luke gave Corinne the five dollars for the pin badges and took them in the small bag she provided him, thanking her again.

‘It’s no trouble at all, my dear. Your friendship will truly help your friend in this world that can be unkind.’ Corinne said, waving as the three boys made their way out of the store.

Outside, Alex threw his arms around Luke and Reggie. ‘Thanks, guys. She’s right, having you guys and Bobby has honestly saved me. I don’t know what I’d do without you three.’

‘Good job you’ll never have to find out, cos you are stuck with us!’ Reggie grinned.

From across the street, a voice called out. ‘Hey, Alex!’

The boys turned and there Trent was, stood outside Moran’s pharmacy, his neat white shirt blinding in the sunshine. He made his way across the road, clinging to a paper bag.

‘Hey Trent!’ Alex smiled, opening his arms for a hug, which Trent readily accepted. Alex chose to ignore the look of awe and understanding on the faces of Reggie and Luke.

‘It’s good to see you out and about,’ Trent smiled, ‘your friend Mrs Patterson called to see if I might be able to help with sorting out your inhalers, so ta-dah!’ He finished, presenting the paper bag with a flourish. ‘There’s three in there, will that be okay for now?’

‘T-that’s perfect. Thank you, Trent.’

Reggie smiled, opening his arms. ‘I’m Reggie, one of Alex’s best friends. Nice to meet you, Trent.’ Trent accepted the quick hug, smiling at Reggie.

‘And I’m Luke, Mrs Patterson’s son,’ Luke added, shaking hands with Trent, then giving him a quick hug too. ‘Thank you for helping Alex, we really appreciate you helping him get away from his parents.’

Trent scoffed. ‘It was nothing, really. I’m glad you guys are here for him, it makes things so much easier to have friends who support you, believe me. I better get back to work, see you around!’

Trent hurried back across the quiet street, and disappeared back inside Moran’s.

‘You’re blushing!’ Reggie teased.

‘What? No I’m not, I’m just warm, that’s all.’ Alex mumbled, knowing how unconvincing he sounded.

‘He seems nice, I bet he’s not got a cute ass like me though.’ Luke smirked, nudging Alex gently.

Alex, flustered, nearly dropped the bag of inhalers.

_Thank God I put the flag in my pocket, or I’d have dropped that in the dirt._

‘Am I missing something here?’ Reggie said, feigning offence.

‘It’s nothing, I—’ Luke began, finding himself cut off by Alex.

‘I saw Luke’s ass by mistake this morning, I woke up and there it was.’

‘Oh, is that it?’ Reggie said, raising an eyebrow. ‘I’ve woken up to Luke’s bare ass more times than I can count. You seriously forget there’s other people in the room sometimes.’ He finished, laughing at the look of mortification on Luke’s face.

The three laughed as they walked down the street, lost in conversation.

They didn’t see Daphne Mercer drive past, her face stricken and she watched her son laugh with his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We love soft boys being soft and there for each other.


	37. Bottled Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby has a tough time, Alex is there for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: talk about depression, suicidal thoughts, underage drinking

Bobby pressed his face into the pillow, trying to muffle the sound of his sobs. He didn’t want Pops or Nana to hear him crying, he knew what was happening wasn’t their fault.

_It’s not their fault Mom and Dad don’t love me._

The thought hung heavy in his mind, and he cried harder into the pillow.

_Why are you feeling so bad for yourself?_

_Alex’s parents wanted to send him to a camp to fix him, you’re fine compared to him._

_Nana and Pops are sorting out finding you a new home, you’re not in the same position as Alex, having to take shelter at Luke’s house._

_Your problems are nobodies’ fault but your own._

_If you were a better kid, maybe your Mom and Dad would wanna be around you._

_You’re not smart, you’re not funny._

_You’ll never fit in properly._

_Marshall was right._

_Your parents don’t want you._

_Just wait until Cole sees your house, sees the ‘for sale’ sign that’ll be going up in the yard._

_Everyone will know the truth, that your parents don’t love you._

Bobby pulled his head up from the pillow, wiping at his eyes. He wanted to ignore the voice in his mind, the one that saw his insecurity and gnawed at it, making the wound bigger.

Bobby could hear his Pops vacuuming downstairs, a habit that they’d all settled in to, whether the house was messy or not. Pops would insist on cleaning, and Nana would make her lasagne, and they’d sit at the table, enjoying being together and ignoring the absence of Bobby’s parents to the best of their ability.

Exhaling shakily, Bobby picked up the phone he kept in his room, dialling the number he had memorised.

‘Emily Patterson.’

‘H-hi, Mrs Patterson. It’s B-Bobby,’ he spluttered, trying in vain to pull himself together, ‘Are the guys there?’

Emily paused. ‘They’re out now. Bobby, is everything okay, honey?’

Bobby spoke, his voice flat and detached. ‘My parents don’t love me. They’re moving away, selling the house.’

Emily gripped the phone tightly in her hand. ‘Bobby, I’m so sorry. Are you alone right now, I thought your grandparents were there this weekend?’

‘They’re downstairs. I didn’t want them to see me like this. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called. Sorry to bother you.’

‘Bobby, wait!’ Emily yelled, unaware of the three boys coming in through the front door at that moment.

The dial tone was the only reply she got, and she threw the phone onto the counter in frustration. Emily knew how much Bobby downplayed his parent’s absence to her and Mitch, always promising her that they’d be in town in a few weeks and swearing he enjoyed the independence. She’d asked him to give him his Dad’s business number, but he’d always refused.

_These poor boys._

Grabbing the phone as she now took in the confused faces of the boys staring at her, Emily redialled Bobby’s number, sighing in relief as the phone was answered.

‘The Wilson house, Linda speaking.’

‘Hey, Linda, it’s Emily, I’m one of your grandson’s friends Moms.’

‘Oh, of course, Emily Patterson!’ Linda replied, her voice perky. ‘I remember when you took Bobby and the boys to Disneyland a few years back. How’re you?’

‘I’m good, thanks, Linda. I was just wondering if Bobby might wanna come over and hang out with the boys for a bit?’

‘That sounds lovely, we can bring him over to yours if you want? I’m making him dinner for later, but that’ll keep.’

‘I can come pick him up, it’s no bother. Thank you, Linda. I’ll see you in a bit.’

‘What’s happening? Was that Bobby’s nana? Is everything okay?’ Luke was full of questions, Reggie hanging back, worry clouding his eyes. Alex was stood by Reggie, chewing nervously on his lip, feeling concerned at the look of Emily’s face.

‘Bobby needs us. You boys stay here, I’m going to get him.’

Luke went to argue, to insist he came with her, but was cut off by Alex’s soft voice.

‘Mrs Patterson, can I come? Bobby’s been there for me, I wanna help him too if I can.’

Emily softened at the blonde, watching his fingers digging into his sleeves.

‘Of course you can, honey. We’ll be right back, how about you boys get some snacks ready for when we’re back?’

Reggie nodded, dragging a hesitant Luke to the kitchen.

* * *

As they drove, Alex twisted his hands, feeling his anxiety. He was worried about Bobby, and wondered if he’d missed some sign that his friend was hurting.

‘Thank you for getting me my inhalers, Mrs Patterson.’ Alex said softly, breaking the silence. ‘I saw Trent earlier and he gave them to me.’ He finished, smiling at the warm look on Emily’s face.

‘It’s no problem, Alex, you’re part of the family. When you need replacements, just let me know, okay?’

‘I will. Do you know what’s happened with Bobby? I keep thinking maybe I did something to make him sad. I talked to him a lot about how I was feeling, maybe I’ve made him feel bad?’

‘It’s not you, Alex. It’s his parents. They’re selling the house and moving.’

‘Oh!’ Alex said, his hands slowing. ‘So, is Bobby going with them?’

Emily’s silence spoke volumes, and Alex felt his heart drop.

Pulling up outside Bobby’s, Alex unbuckled his seatbelt, Emily switching off the ignition and following. They knocked on the door, and it was opened after a few moments by Bobby’s Nana Linda, who smiled sadly at them.

‘Bobby’s up in his room, we had to tell him some bad news so he’s very upset. Why don’t you go on up and fetch him?’ Linda said, smiling warmly at Alex, who felt himself relaxing in her presence.

Nana Wilson had always been sweet to him when they’d met, and Alex felt sure that the best parts of who Bobby was had come from his Nana and Pops.

Alex made his way upstairs as Linda introduced Emily to Bobby’s Pops, Trevor.

* * *

Alex knocked gently on the bedroom door.

‘Bobbers, it’s me, Alex.’ There was the sound of feet shuffling across the floor, then the door creaked open.

‘Alex, wh-what are you doing here?’ Bobby snuffled, his eyes red, then after a moment, Bobby broke.

The two boys clung to each other, Alex holding him tight as Bobby wept uncontrollably.

* * *

‘I don’t know why I’m so upset,’ Bobby said sometime after, as the two boys sat on his unmade bed. ‘It’s not like my Mom and Dad bother with me normally, it just sucks. I shouldn’t be burdening you with this, though, especially with what you’ve been through.’

‘Bobby, let me be here for you…’

‘It’s just, your parents are cruel to you because of something you can’t change. I could have changed, I could have studied harder, I could have stayed on the team, maybe then, I don’t know, maybe my parents would want me. I just suck.’ Bobby finished weakly.

Alex grabbed Bobby’s hand, staring into his eyes.

‘Bobby, you are amazing. You’re a fucking amazing person, you’re thoughtful and you’re brave and so kind and if your parents don’t see that they’re fucking stupid. Your Nana and Pops see it, I see it, and so do Luke and Reggie. We all love you; we wouldn’t be the same without you. Please believe me, Bobby.’

Bobby smiled wetly, blinking away tears. ‘But you say that, and still, you can’t see that we feel that about you, Alex.’

‘I’m trying, Bob. I really wanna love myself, and I think I might get there one day, but what I do know is that I love you, and you don’t need to change yourself.’

_He just pities you. They’ll all realise how replaceable you are, eventually._

Bobby frowned, trying to ignore the dark, cruel voice in his head.

‘Sometimes, I think these things about myself, and it’s hard to get them out of my head.’ Bobby said softly.

‘What sort of things?’ Alex said slowly, giving Bobby’s hand a comforting squeeze.

‘Just. It might sound stupid, so just bear with me. I think that I shouldn’t be here, that I’m an inconvenience. That you guys will get sick of me, or you’ll all move on and I’ll just be left alone.’

‘I think things like that too, sometimes. Like I shouldn’t exist, or that I’m gonna bring you guys down with me. That I should kill myself.’ Alex said, his voice quiet.

The two boys held each other, as something glinting caught Alex’s eye.

‘Bobby, what’s that?’ Bobby turned, looking to where Alex was staring at a glinting bottle sticking out of a pile of laundry.

He turned back to Alex, shamefaced.

‘It’s my Dad’s gin. He’d left it in a drawer in the office, I just wanted to try and make my head stop. It just made me feel sadder, and I don’t like the taste.’

Alex smiled a tight smile at Bobby. ‘Promise me you won’t drink it again if that’s how it makes you feel.’

‘I promise. Come on, let’s get rid of it.’

The two boys hurried to the ensuite bathroom, tipping the contents of the bottle into the sink, then Bobby placed the bottle in the trash.

‘Thanks, Alex. For being my friend.’

‘Thank you, Bobby, for being one of my best friends.’ The two boys headed downstairs to find Emily, Nana and Pops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Knowing Bobby is gonna end up all alone is devastating to me.


	38. Love Will Never Do (Without You)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The four boys spend quality time together.

‘Hey, ‘Lex,’ Bobby whispered quickly as they walked up to the Patterson’s house, ‘please don’t tell the others about what I said. I don’t wanna be a bother.’

‘I won’t.’ Alex replied, ‘but you wouldn’t be a bother. I told Luke about my… thoughts and he was very understanding. If you ever wanna tell them, Reggie and Luke will understand. I promise.’

Bobby seemed unsure, but the two didn’t speak about it anymore as they entered the house. Reggie and Luke leapt up from the couch, and Luke slung an arm around Bobby.

* * *

The boys sat, talking through what had happened with Bobby and his house.

Bobby left out what he’d discussed with Alex, the two sharing a soft look when Reggie and Luke were distracted bringing snacks into the lounge.

‘We met Trent,’ Reggie said brightly, ‘he helped Mrs P. get Alex’s inhalers.’

‘And!’ Luke said, ‘We got these, this ones for you. It’s so we can show support for Alex.’ he finished, passing the small rainbow badge to Bobby.

* * *

‘We look cute.’ Reggie said, as the four boys surveyed their finished looks.

Reggie had attached his badge to his flannel shirt, Bobby fastening his to his black tee, with Luke wearing his on his sleeveless blue hoodie.

Alex had attached his to his fannypack, with the pink triangle pin now attached to the exterior.

Looking at his friends, Bobby decided he was definitely getting the pink hoodie for Alex, feeling sure that he would look amazing in it.

Emily had turned the radio in the kitchen on before heading out to the yard, and the soft crackling sound of the music playing caused Alex to absent-mindedly tap his foot to the beat. Luke noticed this and leapt up, pulling Alex carefully up by his hands, and dancing with him. Alex blushed furiously and tried to resist, but gave in, letting Luke sway him side to side.

Reggie and Bobby stared up, then turned to each other, shrugging, and joined in, Reggie leading Bobby in a bizarre, off beat dance that reminded Bobby of something he’d seen on Grease when they’d watched that at a sleepover years ago.

As the song played on, Luke murmured the lyrics softly, smiling at his friends, growing in volume as Alex began to join in, an easy harmony forming.

‘Whenever there's a problem, we always work it out somehow, work it out somehow…’ Luke crooned, dipping Alex as the blonde giggled.

‘They said it wouldn’t last, we had to prove them wrong, ‘cos I’ve learned in the past, that love will never do without you.’ Luke proceeded to belt, his voice a sharp contrast to the R&B stylings of the song.

Alex grinned wildly at his friends.

He never imagined something like this could happen, but here he was, dancing with his best friends, so carefree.

From the backyard, Mitch and Emily watched, smiling easily.

‘We raised a really good boy,’ Mitch said, his eyes misting.

‘We did, and he’s a really good friend.’ Emily agreed.

‘Do you think there might be something there, between him and Alex?’ Mitch said cautiously, lowering his voice in case the neighbours were eavesdropping.

Emily thought. ‘I don’t know, I wouldn’t be opposed to it though. Would you?’

Mitch shook his head furiously. ‘No, no, Alex is a fine young man. If they ended up together, I’d be so happy. I guess we’ll just have to see how things work out.’

* * *

The boys had sung and danced with each other into the early evening, and it was a sad moment for them all when Bobby left with Emily to go back to his for dinner with Nana and Pops.

Mitch found the menu for the Chinese place the boys loved and they ordered, it being agreed that Reggie would be staying the night.

While they waited for the food to come and for Emily to get back, Luke and Alex worked on hanging the small rainbow flag in their bedroom, Reggie having stayed behind, eager to talk to Mitch about something.

‘Hey, Alex, can I tell you something?’ Luke said delicately.

‘Sure!’ Alex said, putting down the pins he’d been fiddling with, giving Luke his full attention.

‘I had thought about, if you hadn’t kissed Trent, about offering to be your first kiss.’

‘What?’ Alex spluttered, his mouth feeling dry.

‘Just, it’s like what Bobby said, I wanted your first kiss to be with a guy who really cares about you. It’s probably stupid.’ Luke said, looking embarrassed.

‘I’d have liked that.’ Alex said, barely audible.

‘We still could?’ Luke said, his voice squeaking a little. ‘If you want.’

‘Luke, I don’t know if we should,’ Alex replied, ‘I don’t want things to get complicated. I can’t lie and say I’ve never thought about you like that, but I don’t want to lose one of my best friends.’

‘So, you’ve thought of me that way, huh?’ Luke smirked, wiggling his eyebrows.

Alex blushed, wishing he could take it back. ‘Well yeah, you’re not the worst looking boy alive.’ He teased.

‘And you’ve already seen me naked!’ Luke grinned, laughing as Alex rolled his eyes. ‘ _And_ you liked what you saw!’

‘Luke, shhhh! What if your Dad hears?’

Luke settled down, seeing the tense flash of fear in Alex’s eyes. He sat down next to the blonde boy.

‘I’m not gonna force you to do anything, but just, if you ever wanna, the option is there.’ Luke said tenderly.

‘Well thank you for the offer, but I’ll pass for now, if that’s okay?’ Alex said.

Luke smiled, bouncing off the bed. ‘Of course it is! What do you think Reggie and my Dad are talking about?’

Alex shrugged. ‘I dunno. I hope Reggie’s okay though. I don’t like him being at home with his Mom and Dad when they get angry, and with what Reg said about having taken self-defence classes, I worry.’

‘Me too. I guess it’s good that Reggie’s got the knowledge of how to defend himself, though, and you will too, if we’re still going Wednesday?’

‘I want to, definitely. The Keene Community Centre’s down by the beach, right?’

‘Yeah, it’s off that street that goes beyond the boardwalk.’

‘Perfect.’

‘Hey boys, what’s up?’ Reggie chirped, bouncing into the room.

‘We’re just talking about the self-defence classes you said about, they sound really useful.’ Alex replied, scooting over as Reggie leapt onto the bed.

‘Yeah, I’ve learnt a lot.’ Reggie agreed, frowning a little. ‘I hope you know that you taking these classes doesn’t mean we’re gonna leave you to defend yourself though, Alex.’

‘I know, I just wanna be able to stand up for myself, if, you know.’ Alex mumbled.

The potential unspoken ends to that sentence hung between the three boys.

‘The flag looks really good up there,’ Reggie quickly put in, keen to break the tension of the moment.

The boys all smiled, the rainbow flag hanging so it dangled in the soft evening light peeking through the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song on the radio is Love Will Never Do (Without You) by Janet Jackson, I like to think Luke was appreciative of a good melody regardless of genre.
> 
> These sweet boys make me happy and sad all at once.


	39. Pray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunday brings a challenge, comfort and a gift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Self-harm.

Sunday morning brought a new challenge.

Luke woke up to the soft sound of Alex gingerly making his way out of the bedroom they shared, and then padding down the hall to the bathroom. Luke was unsure but he thought he heard the faint sound of a sob before the bathroom door clicked shut.

Luke didn’t want to think the worst, but he was worried.

Ever since Alex had admitted he sometimes thought about hurting himself, Luke had been paranoid and fearful that he was going to miss some sign, some early warning.

The boy stared at the alarm clock on the dresser, the neon orange display moving from 6.15 to 6.30, then 6.44am. Luke was about to get up and hurry to the bathroom, silently hoping it was just an upset stomach or something, when Alex slipped back into the bedroom, his face red and his eyes a tell-tale wateriness.

‘I didn’t mean to wake you, I’m sorry.’ Alex said, his voice tiny.

Luke’s chest hurt at the way Alex kept his eyes low, staring at the floor.

‘It’s okay. Are you not feeling good?’ Luke replied, noticing the way Alex kept his hands tight around his stomach as he sat down on the bed.

‘I’m fine. It’s just. Forget it.’

‘Alex, please. You can tell me anything, no matter how bad or embarrassing you think it is.’ Luke pleaded, trying to meet the blonde’s eyeline.

Alex sighed deeply. ‘I’m used to waking up early on Sunday’s for church, my bodies wired for it. I just woke up and it’s kind of hit me, that I can never go back. I should be glad, but I love God. I mean, I thought I did, but if he’s real, does he hate me? If he loves me, why make me like this, and why make people believe I’m so disgusting for how he made me? Then I started getting bad, my thoughts got really loud and then I kind of… took it out on myself.’ He finished, a single lonely tear making its way down his cheek.

‘When you say you took it out on yourself, what do you mean? I’m not gonna judge you, I promise.’ Luke said, getting off the air mattress and sitting down next to Alex.

Alex still refused to meet his eyes, and Luke began to wonder if he should get his parents.

When Alex spoke, it was barely audible, and Luke almost wished he hadn’t heard it. ‘I kind of hit myself in the stomach, just a punch where Marshall bruised me.’

‘Alex…’

‘I know it’s bad! I know! I just wanted to make my body hurt. It feels like I deserve it, and I know I shouldn’t think it, but I do. Fuck, maybe I should still go to the camp, see if they can make me feel like God wants me still...’

‘Alex, please! I don’t know how to make it better, but I know that you going to that camp would destroy you.’

‘I know, I’m just, _lost_. Church made me feel bad about myself, but I still feel attached to it, and now I’m never going to be welcome at my church again, and I think about what my parents are gonna say, whether Reverend Allen is gonna shame them for me being gay and I just… I want my Mom and Dad to love me and I don’t know how to get past the fact that they don’t, and they never will.’

‘I’m sorry, Alex. I know it’s hurting; I know. But you didn’t do anything wrong. You were just yourself and they didn’t get it.’ Luke said, bringing Alex in for a hug.

After a while, Alex spoke again.

‘I tried praying at Bobby’s. But it felt weird. I don’t know why, it felt like I was talking to nothing. God clearly never listened either way, I prayed for him to fix me and I’m still a bag of nerves who thinks boys are cute, so I don’t know what I expected.’

‘Well, maybe it means that God doesn’t see that you need fixing?’ Luke said, smiling encouragingly. ‘If you ever want space to pray here, just tell me and I’ll leave you to it, or sit with you if that might help.’

‘Thanks, Luke. You’re so much smarter than you think, you know that? You think a lot about others.’ Alex said, Luke grinning as he finally saw the blonde meet his gaze.

‘I may suck at school, but I’ve got great life skills.’ Luke chuckled. ‘I think you should tell Mom about what you did though, just so she can help.’

‘I don’t know, I don’t want your parents to regret taking me in.’

‘Dude, they love you. You heard my Dad when that douchebag Reverend was here, you’re like a son to him.’

Alex smiled gently. ‘I really appreciate it. I still wanna get a job though. If I’m gonna try therapy like your Mom thinks I should, I need to be able to pay for it, I’m not gonna make your parents pay for something that’s wrong with me.’

Luke gave the blonde a look like he was about to argue but decided against it.

‘Maybe you can get a job at Moran’s, share longing looks with Trent over shelves of laxatives?’ he suggested, cackling as Alex swung a pillow at him.

* * *

Later that day, as Luke sat in the lounge, some old rerun of a black and white movie blaring away to itself, he smiled encouragingly as Alex went with Emily to have a quiet chat about him having hurt himself, and when Alex returned, he slipped into Luke’s open arms, and whispered quickly to him.

‘Your mom’s gonna make me an appointment to see someone, a Doctor Richards. Apparently, she’s a therapist with experience working with queer youth, so that sounds promising.’

‘I’m proud of you, bro.’

‘Thanks. I’m a bit worried about school tomorrow, still.’

‘We don’t have to go if you’re not ready.’

‘I wanna try, it’s just, you know...’

‘Marshall and his friends.’

‘Got it in one.’

The doorbell rang, and the boys turned to see Bobby and Reggie.

Reggie looked like he was itching to climb through the open window if they didn’t hurry up and let him in, and Bobby was stood politely, a large bag in his hands.

‘Hey!’ Reggie grinned, waving hello to Mitch, who smiled knowingly.

‘Good afternoon, sport.’

‘What’s going on?’ Alex said as the boys gathered, Luke grinning at Reggie and Bobby.

‘Well…’ Bobby began, the bag shuffling in his hands. ‘I saw this and thought it’d suit you. I wanted to get it as a way of saying, you know, that we love you, and we're proud. If you don’t like it it’s fine, and if you’re not comfortable wearing it that’s fine too. I just wanted to say. I’m sorry for the people I used to hang out with, and I’m so glad to have a real friend like you.’

Alex opened the bag as Bobby passed it carefully to him, gasping at the beautiful contents.

Inside the bag was the most beautiful hoodie Alex had seen.

In his hand it was incredibly soft, glowing in a delicate pink blush that Alex knew would look great on him.

Bringing it out of the bag fully, holding it up, Alex giggled.

‘Bobby, I love it. Oh my god. Thank you, thank you!! Can I put it on now?’

Bobby looked as though he was seeing the sunrise for the first time, grinning broadly. ‘Of course!’

Alex whipped his baby blue sweatshirt off, and the boys ignored the quick glimpse they got of his bruised stomach as he pulled the pink hoodie over his head. It felt incredible on his body, the soft comfort of it making Alex feel the safety he’d felt when the three boys were with him.

‘What do you think?’ he asked the others, smiling brightly at Emily and Mitch, who were watching with a look of delight on their faces.

‘You look fantastic!’ Luke said, grinning at Alex, who seemed to glow in the hoodie.

‘It’s great,’ Reggie murmured in agreement, ‘You look confident. Even the way you’re standing is different, it’s like you’re standing tall and not shrinking yourself.’

‘Reg’s right,’ Bobby said, wiping a small tear from his eye. ‘You do look proud of yourself.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pink hoodie is here! 
> 
> These boys are great at giving advice, but not applying it to themselves, which I definitely relate to as someone who is very pro everyone loving themselves but is often hard on myself. 
> 
> A lot of love for Alex's chosen family <3


	40. Back to School Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys' first day back gets off to a bad start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Slurs, homophobic language.

‘Are you sure you’re ready? You don’t have to go back today.’ Emily said as the car stood outside the school, the four boys stood by it.

Alex looked like he was going to be sick, but he nodded. ‘I wanna try and get back to normal.’

‘If it gets too much or if something bad happens, just get the reception to call me and I’ll come get you, okay?’ Emily said, smiling at the blonde.

‘We’ve got him, but if we need to, we’ll call. Thanks Mom,’ Luke said, throwing an arm around Alex protectively.

‘Okay, if you’re sure, I’ll let you get on inside.’ Emily said, looking at Alex again, smiling encouragingly.

Thanks, Emily. We’ll see you later.’ Alex said brightly, his hands clinging to the sleeves of his pink hoodie.

‘Thank you for picking us up, Mrs P!’ Reggie said, and Bobby smiled at her.

Emily smiled, waving at her four boys as she drove away.

Alex took a deep breath, and then the boys started walking towards the doors of the school. In the busy corridor, the boys slipped into a single file, weaving their way through the crowds of students.

The boys’ lockers were in the corridor near the English room, and as they drew near, Alex breathed in sharply as he saw Marshall, Cole and Peter stood by his locker. Reggie, Luke, and Bobby exchanged dark looks, preparing themselves.

‘ _Well, well, well._ Here they are,’ crowed Marshall, and the noise in the corridor decreased at his sharp, mocking tone. ‘The butt boys.’

‘Watch it, Underwood.’ growled Bobby. ‘I expected a lot more from you, Bob. You were kind of cool at least, now you’re bending over for Mercer.’

Marshall sneered, and Cole and Peter laughed cruelly.

Luke grabbed Bobby’s arm, holding him back as Marshall scoffed.

‘My Mom goes to your church, Mercer.’ Peter smirked. ‘She said your parents were there yesterday telling everyone you’re doing mission work in the community.’

‘Seems like a fucking sick kind of mission work you’re doing, dropping on your knees for any boy who smiles at you.’ Cole leered.

‘What the hell are you talking about?’ Luke snarled. ‘You guys seem weirdly obsessed with what Alex gets up to, you should get a life.’

Cole and Peter shared an uncomfortable look, while Marshall’s face turned an unpleasant red colour.

‘You wanna watch it, Patterson. I’m sure your friend here doesn’t want someone telling his parents about the way he stares at you. It’s so sick, man, it’s really disgusting.’

Alex had had enough. His voice trembling, he spoke.

‘You’re too late, my parents already know I’m gay.’ Marshall seemed like the wind had been knocked out of his sails a bit, the corridor abuzz with whispers. Then, rallying, he started towards Alex, his face like thunder.

Luke, Reggie, and Bobby put themselves between Alex and Marshall, the assembled crowd vibrating with excitement at the prospect of the fight.

‘That’s quite enough!’ A sharp voice called through the throng, and Miss Murray was there, glaring at the group. ‘Underwood, you and your friends are going to go that way down the corridor now, get to your homeroom. Patterson, you boys are going to come with me. The rest of you have places to be, I’m sure.’ She called, and the crowd begrudgingly dispersed.

Luke followed Miss Murray, Alex, Reggie, and Bobby hurrying to keep up with her. She led the boys into her office, closing the door behind them as they filtered in.

‘Boys, take a seat, please.’ When they were all seated, Miss Murray smiled sadly. ‘It’s good to see you all back at school, but you can’t be getting into fights before the first period.’

‘But Miss Murray, Marshall started this! He and his friends have been bullying Alex for ages now, and they can’t get away with saying shit about him.’ Luke glowered.

Miss Murray sighed. ‘Do you think you can tell me what they’re saying about you, Alex?’

She had an idea of what it was likely to be but wanted to hear it from the boy himself.

Alex stared at the carpet and spoke quietly. ‘They’re saying stuff about me being gay. I am though. But I’m _not_ doing the stuff they’re saying,’ he added, quickly. ‘I’m not on my knees for anyone, and Bobby isn’t bending over for me. Nobody is. I don’t, I wouldn’t…’

Miss Murray held up her hand. ‘You’re alright Alex, I just needed to confirm they were being homophobic. I understand now why things got to almost being a physical fight, with them provoking you all.’

‘They’ve hit Alex before, and they threatened him.’ Reggie said softly. ‘What?’ he added, seeing the looks on his friends’ faces. ‘She’s the only nice teacher we have, maybe she can help.’

Miss Murray stared at Alex, who was now wringing his hands slowly, then she looked at the boys, their rainbow badges sticking out to her. ‘Alex, I want you to know this is a safe place, okay? Do you think you could tell me what they threatened?’

Alex looked up, meeting the woman’s bright eyes.

‘They said the only good fag was a dead fag, and they were gonna show me that.’ Alex said quickly, feeling his face flush.

‘I’m so sorry, Alex. Have you told your parents?’ She said, already suspecting she’d hate the answer.

Alex laughed bitterly. ‘They’d agree with Marshall. My Dad wants me to go to a camp to get fixed. I’m staying with Luke now.’

Miss Murray took a deep breath. ‘Alex, I’m sorry your parents can’t see what a fine young man you are. I wish there were more I could do to help, but Principal Goldwater always tends to side with his athletic stars. I will be placing the boys who threatened you into lunch detentions for the next month, though, there shouldn’t be a place for boys like that to face no consequences for their actions.’

‘Thank you, Miss Murray.’ Alex said, quietly.

Looking at him, Miss Murray wanted nothing more than to hold the boy, and promise it would be okay, but she knew that she couldn’t guarantee him that. Still, she knew he had his friends with him to look after him, and she smiled at the four boys.

‘Now. Take this,’ she said, scrawling on a piece of paper, ‘and give it to Miss Dawes, she’ll know why you were slightly late then.’

The boys got up to leave, Reggie taking the piece of paper.

‘If things get bad today, come back to my office, I’ll leave it unlocked so you can get in here.’ Alex smiled shyly. ‘Thanks, Miss Murray.’

After the boys had gone, Miss Murray shut the door and sighed deeply.

She wished things were better, that the school was ran by a Principal who wasn’t a bigot.

She wished there were more she could do for Alex.

Her mind made up, she began writing down notes, preparing for the next faculty meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Miss Murray's hands would be tied with how much she could do for Alex in the 90's.
> 
> not my favourite chapter, but it moves things forward a bit.


	41. How It's Going to Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex talks to a surprising ally, but finds his anxiety and the voices in his head hard to handle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Homophobia and homophobic language, discussion of AIDS

The boys had missed a large chunk of homeroom, but Miss Dawes smiled at them after Reggie had given her Miss Murray’s note, and they were marked as present.

From the moment the four walked in, Alex was sharply aware of the murmurs and whispers from their classmates, picking up on bits of barely concealed gossiping as he sat down.

‘No wonder he’s wearing that hoodie.’ Tabatha May snorted to Lindsay Holmes who laughed loudly, shooting Alex a dirty look.

The reality of what he had said in the corridor started to sink in, and Alex gripped his desk tightly as he sat down.

_Breathe. Breathe. In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Out._

_God, why were you so stupid?_

_Why did you say it?_

_Now everybody knows._

‘Hey, Mercer.’ Donna Twist, a sour looking grunge girl who sat in front of him said quietly, turning to face him. ‘My big brother Ricky was gay, our parents kicked him out. You’ll be okay if you’re smart.’

‘What do you mean?’ Alex whispered, aware of Luke, Reggie and Bobby staring at the conversation unfolding, unable to hear but curious.

‘Just, be safe. Ricky got AIDS; my parents wouldn’t let any of the family go to the funeral. They tell people he died in a car wreck.’

Alex’s eyes widened. ‘Oh my god, Donna, I’m so sorry.’

Donna shrugged. ‘Don’t be. Can’t change it now. These people are stupid, but you don’t deserve to go like that. Nobody does. I’m assuming what Cole said about you was wrong?’

Alex nodded.

‘I’ve _never_. I’ve only kissed someone once.’ He whispered softly.

Donna’s dark lips formed a small smile. ‘Of course. If the time comes that you wanna be doing it though, you need to be smart. Use protection.’

Donna felt bad for Alex. She’d sat in classrooms with him for years, watching as he became quieter and more and more jittery. As her brother had gotten more and more sick, looking frailer and more defeated every time she met up with him, she’d came into school the days after and heard the way people spoke about Alex, and she’d began to wonder if Alex might be like Ricky.

Then, when the time had come for the boys and girls to be separated for Sex Ed classes, and she’d watched Alex go off to the library, forbidden from attending the class, her stomach had dropped, as she realised that the timid, naïve, scared boy she watched flinch whenever anyone said anything to him wasn’t going to learn anything about sex until it was too late.

Now, seeing the shame and embarrassment on his face, her heart sank.

‘I don’t care how, but you need to find out about how that stuff works, Alex. I don’t wanna come back to this school for a reunion in ten years and find out that you’re dead because you didn’t know better.’

Alex nodded, feeling his eyes glisten. ‘I promise.’

Donna’s small smile returned, as the bell rang.

‘Don’t let these idiots get to you, you’re a total dork but you deserve to be happy.’ She said, picking up her bag and stomping out of the room, and Alex smiled slightly as he noticed that she deliberately bumped into Lindsay and Tabatha on her way out.

Luke, Reggie and Bobby followed Alex out of the room.

‘What were you and Dark Donna talking about?’ Luke asked.

‘She wasn’t being a jerk, was she?’ Bobby said, his eyes dark.

‘She was actually really nice,’ Alex began, deciding not to bring up what they’d discussed. ‘She just said not to let people make me feel bad.’

‘Donna’s always been nice, she just doesn’t like to talk much.’ Reggie said as the boys began to walk to Math. ‘Her brother died in a car crash a few years back.’

Alex’s chest ached as he heard how easily the lie had permeated the school community.

_Would that happen to him if he died? Would history be rewritten that ‘that Alex kid we went to school with drowned’?_

_Or would it be something people would laugh about? 'That cocksucker Mercer got what was coming to him.'_

Alex walked in silence, lost in thought.

_Donna is right, I need to learn about protection. One day I might have a boyfriend, and I don’t wanna be clueless, I wanna know about being safe I ever do… that._

_‘You are **so** repressed,’_ the cruel voice in Alex’s mind sneered. _‘You dream about being with a boy but you wouldn’t have a clue what you were doing if it happened. You can’t even be a faggot properly. You’re gonna end up like Donna’s brother, and it’s what you’ll deserve.’_

‘Stop. Stop it.’ Alex said, clapping his hand over his mouth as he realised to his horror he’d spoken aloud.

The boys halted. ‘Lex, you okay?’ Luke said, staring at the look of horror on the blonde’s face. Bobby and Reggie shared a worried look, ignoring the looks of other students passing the group in the hall.

‘I, I… I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I need to get out. I need to…’ Alex mumbled, fumbling in his fannypack, frantically puffing on his inhaler.

People were starting to really stare, a few boys from the grade below laughing as they watched.

Then, there was an ear-splitting ringing, as the fire alarm started.

There was chaos as the doors to classrooms were thrown open, furious teachers demanding order being ignored as the corridor filled with people heading for the exit.

Luke grabbed Alex’s hand, and dragged him sideways into a side corridor which had a fire exit in it, Bobby following them after finding Reggie, some distance away in the crowds swarming the main hall.

‘We’re gonna get you home after this, everything’s gonna be okay, I promise.’ Luke said, leading Alex out of the side fire exit and out into the bright sunshine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter, but one I quite like. I wanted to flesh out the world of the school a bit more, and adding characters like Donna and the assholes Tabatha and Lindsay helps with that.


	42. Trouble is a Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reggie and Bobby worry, Luke and Alex talk about what Donna said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Homophobic slurs, references to AIDS and alcohol abuse.

Reggie had barely registered that he was moving towards the fire alarm on the wall until he was there.

He grabbed the metal handle, pulling it down.

He just wanted to stop Alex from being stared at by the people in the hall.

He wanted to stop his friend hurting, he wanted things to be better.

The moment he pulled the alarm, and the bell began to ring, Reggie knew he’d made a terrible mistake.

The halls were soon filling with people, and Alex’s shoulders had shot up as Reggie watched Luke dragging him by the hand into the side corridor. Bobby was staring in fear around the throngs of students heading towards the main doors.

His eyes lit up as he saw Reggie pushing through the crowd toward him.

‘Reg, did you pull the alarm?’ Bobby whispered as they spilled through the side fire exit into the chilly air outside.

‘I did, but don’t tell Alex. He’ll worry that I’ll get in trouble.’ Reggie replied, staring at Alex who was now sat on the grass, Luke helping him through his breathing exercises.

‘Why’d you do it?’ Bobby said quietly.

‘I don’t know, I thought it would make people stop staring at him. You saw those guys laughing at him. You heard the way Tabatha and Lindsay were talking about him in home room. I worry about him. Every time someone says that shit, I’m sure it’s hurting him. It’s like when my Mom says stuff about me when she’s had too much to drink, I try and ignore it, but it’s like a little piece of you is dying with every word.’

Bobby nodded, lightly placing his hand on Reggie’s shoulder. ‘I get it. I’m sorry.’

Reggie’s face lit up with a tiny smile, and the two made their way over to where Alex and Luke were sat on the grass.

‘How’re you feeling, ‘Lex?’ Bobby said, lowering himself onto the grass.

‘I’m okay.’ Alex murmured. ‘I was just getting a bit lost in my head, again. Do you think we should go find our homeroom group? They’ll be looking for us.’

‘I guess so, then we can call my Mom?’ Luke said, softly squeezing Alex’s hand.

The boys slowly walked around the side of the building, where they could see the school lined up in homeroom groups on the basketball courts, a constant hum of chatter reminding Alex of a swarm of bees.

‘Where have you been?’ Miss Dawes said, storming towards the boys’ as she saw them.

‘Alex needed a break, he couldn’t breathe. I’m gonna call my Mom to pick him up.’ Luke said quickly.

Miss Dawes stared at the four boys, then decided not to push. She’d read the note Miss Murray had wrote with a strange feeling of wanting to stay out of things. She understood that Alex wasn’t living at home anymore, and that he was living with the Patterson’s for the foreseeable, but she didn’t know why.

Surveying the blonde boy, who was always quiet and well mannered, she couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t be living at home.

_If he needed help, surely he’d come to you._

‘Fine, off you go, Luke. Take Alex with you. Now you two, get in line.’

‘What?’ Bobby frowned, not wanting to leave Alex and Luke.

‘There’s no reason you should go with them. Get in line Wilson or I’ll have to call your parents.’

‘Good luck finding them.’ Bobby muttered darkly, then he and Reggie slunk over to where the rest of their homeroom were lined up.

‘Nice badge, Wilson.’ Tabatha sneered as they passed her, her eyes flicking over their rainbow badges. ‘So, are you all fags?’

Reggie turned to Tabatha, his face furious.

‘Leave it, Reg.’ Bobby warned, dragging Reggie past.

‘I didn’t even get to first period before losing it.’ Alex said mournfully as he and Luke walked towards the reception, where the phones were.

‘I’m sorry,’ Luke said. ‘I wanted things to go better today than this, but it’s not your fault people are being awful. So, what was it that you got lost in your thoughts about?’ He finished, staring into the blonde boys’ eyes.

‘Donna made me think. Her brother didn’t die in a car crash. He died of AIDS. She told me that I need to be safe, and it just really reminded me how little I know about anything. I don’t know how to use a condom; I don’t have a clue how anything works. I’m _stupid_.’

‘Alex, you’re not stupid. It’s not your fault that your parents wouldn’t let you do Sex Ed. It’s really messed up isn’t it, sure you’d have learnt how to put a condom on but there was no information about anything other than sex between a guy and a girl. It’s fucked up,’ Luke said softly, ‘how are you meant to learn about what it’s like to be with a guy?’

Alex scoffed. ‘It’s cos the world doesn’t think it’s right, being like me. Can you imagine Goldwater allowing that on the curriculum, he nearly had a fit when he thought we were together?’

Luke paused. ‘What if we did some research?’

‘Oh sure, you’re gonna find a book in the library, are you?’ Alex said, his sarcasm dripping from each word.

‘I don’t know, maybe I could ask my parents?’

‘Luke, no! Just forget about it, it’s not like I’m ever gonna have sex anytime soon. Not when I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m absolutely terrified of the thought of doing anything.’

Luke’s eyes lit up, his mind running wild.

_I know who I could ask._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These sweet boys, I love them.


	43. Let's Talk About Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke wants to get Alex information about safe sex, Alex struggles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Thoughts of self-harm, internalized homophobia

Emily had soon arrived at the school, taking Luke and Alex home, instructing the receptionist to get a message to Reggie and Bobby that she would pick them up after school. ‘Was it the same boys, honey?’ Emily said, smiling sadly as she buckled her seatbelt.

‘It was them, and then other people.’ Alex said meekly. ‘Marshall was threatening that he could tell my parents I’m gay, so I lost it and said that they already know, and then everyone in the hall was there and they heard that. So now, everyone knows, and people were talking about me in homeroom, and I just hated it.’

‘You really tried, Alex.’ Luke said, linking hands with the blonde boy as Emily began to drive away from the school.

Once they were home, Luke whispered to his Mom in the kitchen as Alex trudged sadly to their room. ‘Can you distract Alex for a bit, and can I have Trent’s phone number?’ Emily raised an eyebrow.

‘Sure, what’s happening?’

‘Alex was being really hard on himself about not knowing about safe sex or about anything to do with sex, and I thought Trent might know about that stuff so I could help?’

‘His number’s on the fridge under the menu for the Happy Lotus, if you wanna try him now I can go talk to Alex about the therapist he was thinking of seeing?’

Luke hugged her quickly. ‘Thanks Mom, you’re the best.’

Emily grinned and made her way to the boys’ bedroom.

* * *

‘Hellooo, this is Trent Jones!’ The bright sunny voice chimed.

‘Um, hey Trent. It’s Luke Patterson, Alex’s friend.’

'Oh hi, Luke, how's things?'

‘Not great, actually. I was wondering, do you know anything about, um, gay sex?’

Trent scoffed. ‘A gentleman never tells. But seriously, what’s going on?’

‘Erm. Alex didn’t get to go to Sex Ed, his parents wouldn’t let him. And even if he had, it was only about not getting girls pregnant. And it’s bothering him that he doesn’t know, and I think he’s worried that eventually he’ll be with a guy and he won’t know what to do or how to be safe.’

Trent exhaled deeply. ‘Okay, I have to leave for work in ten minutes. Come by Moran’s later and I can sort out some stuff, for when he needs it? Moran’s has an _excellent_ range of pamphlets about safe sex and AIDS, Mr Moran is very proud of it. His son was gay.’

Luke felt the heaviness of the implication of the past tense.

‘Thank you, Trent. I’m sorry to bother you, I just don’t want Alex to feel like he’s not prepared, if he ever, you know, wants to.’

Trent chuckled. ‘It’s fine, Luke. It’s important that Alex knows what he’s doing, then he’ll be safer. You’re a good friend to do this for him, it can’t be easy phoning up someone you’ve met once and asking them for something like this.’

Luke laughed. ‘It does feel a bit weird but I’m glad. Thanks for helping, I’ll come by Moran’s later on?’

‘I’m working until 6.30 so anytime before then.’

‘See you later!’

* * *

Emily smiled at the boy flopped face down on the bed. ‘I know today was bad, honey, but you were very brave to try. If things don’t improve, maybe you can study at home?’ Alex looked up.

‘I don’t feel brave, I feel stupid. I made it worse by saying what I did to Marshall, now everyone knows.’

‘I know, but you were still brave. Even with everything that’s happened, you wanted to try and go back to school, and you should be proud of yourself. I am.’

‘Donna in our class was telling me about her brother. His parents kicked him out for being gay and now I feel like I’m a bad person, because I willingly walked away from my family. He didn’t get that choice and now he’s dead, and I got to walk away and yet I feel bad still.’

‘Alex, please, listen to me. You left an environment that was bad for you. You were all but forced out by how your father treated you. You’re not a bad person.’

Alex sniffed.

_All I seem to do is cry these days._

_I’m so weak._

_I should be dead._

‘I spoke to the therapist you were thinking of trying, Doctor Armitage, she has appointments this week if you wanted to try?’ Emily said, watching Alex sit up slowly.

‘I would. I think I’m getting worse; my thoughts are getting bad. I try and ignore it, but they don’t stop.’

‘I’ll book the next available one. If you’re having one of these thoughts, at any time, please just tell us. Mitch, me, Luke, any of us. We all love you so much.’

‘Thanks, I’ll tell you, if I do.’ Alex said, the dishonest tasting acidic in his mouth as he watched Emily head down the hall.

_Tell her what you were just thinking, why won’t you be honest?_

_‘Lying is all you know though; you’ve always been a little liar. Lying to yourself that you don’t dream about boys, lying to your parents about being a normal boy, lying to your friends, lying now to Emily, it’s no wonder your parents hate you, such a devious little liar.'_ The voice in his head snipped.

Alex took a deep breath, then he prepared to give his arm a sharp pinch, just above the elbow. The sound of Luke’s heavy footsteps came bounding down the hall, and Alex relaxed his arm, trying to look calm when Luke came in, bags of chips in his hand.

‘Hey, ‘Lex. You good?’

Alex prepared himself to lie, to give some small noncommittal response, but then his words overtook him.

‘No, um, I was gonna hurt myself again.’

‘Alex, what? What were you gonna do?’

‘I thought I could just pinch my arm, just enough to make it hurt.’

Luke’s eyes were filling with tears, and Alex refused to look, but still felt guilt gnawing at him.

‘I thought I should be dead. Then your Mom made me promise I’d tell her if I had anymore bad thoughts, and I was ashamed to admit I'd had one literally seconds ago. So, I lied, and I said I would, but I didn’t tell her about that. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m like this, all I do is lie and hurt people.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, this started off as a fluffy chapter :(


	44. All Is Ok With Milkshakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke goes to Moran's, Alex talks with Emily, the gang gets burgers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: References to sucide.

For the rest of that day, Alex felt his shame eating away at him. After he had told Luke what he’d thought about doing, the blonde boy found himself always accompanied, and Alex hated it.

He felt like a stupid little boy who couldn’t be trusted on his own, and he didn’t like the feeling that Luke and Emily were constantly monitoring him.

He knew it was because they cared, but he felt like a burden.

The end of the school day came, and Emily drove to the school to pick up Reggie and Bobby, Alex and Luke in the backseat. As they drove, Alex noticed they were on the street where Corinne’s and Moran’s Pharmacy were, and he felt his eyes prickle with tears at how he’d almost felt _okay_ in himself just a few days ago. The car pulled to a stop, and Luke unbuckled his seatbelt.

‘Do you have the list of what I wanted you to get me?’ Emily said sweetly.

‘Yes Mom.’ Luke sighed, playing the part well. He and Emily had arranged this plan after Luke had called his Mom back to the room so Alex could quietly admit that he’d thought about hurting himself again.

Emily had been kind and understanding, promising Alex she wasn’t mad at him, but he felt ashamed and embarrassed all the same.

‘I’ll come by and pick you up once we’ve got the other boys.’ Emily said brightly, waving as her son got out of the car.

‘Should I go with him?’ Alex said, his hands dancing over the seatbelt as he watched Luke breeze into Moran’s.

‘No, I was actually hoping we could have a little one-on-one time before we get to the school?’ Emily said, her indicator flashing as she pulled out and back into traffic.

* * *

Inside Moran’s, the tinny radio blared a song which Luke had heard a few times before.

He liked it but didn’t know the name of the band. The woman’s voice was both light and so powerful, soaring above the guitars and drums.

Making his way to the counter, where he could see Trent lost in concentration, Luke’s fingers tapped along absently.

‘H-hey Trent.’ Trent startled slightly, the pile of boxes in his hands wobbling but being deftly stabilised. A friendly smile shone on the boy’s face.

‘Hello, Luke! I’ve got the stuff here.’ He said, lowering his voice despite the empty store. He lifted a large paper bag from under the counter.

‘There’s everything I could think of in there, condoms, lube and some really good information about HIV and how you can protect yourself from catching any sexual transmitted diseases. You should read that stuff too, it’s stuff they should have covered in Sex Ed, but I doubt the curriculum covers it somehow.’

‘Thanks so much, Trent. You have no idea how much I appreciate this.’ Luke said.

‘It’s nothing, really. I know how scary it can be to be in Alex’s shoes, so anything we can do to make things a bit easier is really a privilege to help with.’

Luke’s mind was full of questions, things he wanted to ask Trent about, but he didn’t want to overstep boundaries or tell Alex’s secrets, so he simply thanked Trent again and made his way out of the pharmacy, the paper bag clutched to his chest.

* * *

‘We’re gonna go to Doctor Armitage at 9.30 tomorrow, okay?’ Emily said softly as she drove through the streets.

‘Okay. Thank you for booking me an appointment. And for putting up with me.’ Alex replied quietly.

‘Alex Mercer listen to me. You deserve to be here. We’re not putting up with you, we love you. You’re struggling, and that is completely understandable and human.’

Alex sighed wetly. ‘It’s just so scary to me. I’m terrified that my Dad will come and take me away, but I’m also terrified to think he’s done with me forever. I miss my Mom but I don’t know why, she doesn’t love me, just a fictional version of me that isn’t me. And then my thoughts are so nasty, and what scares me most is that I believe what they tell me. And I don’t wanna push my friends away, or you and Mr Patterson, but I know I’m fucked up.’

Emily didn’t know what to say to make things better. She just hoped that Alex would trust Doctor Armitage, and that the experience would be helpful for Alex.

‘You’re not fucked up, Alex. You’re going through a lot. There’s been a lot of people making you feel like your lesser or that you’re wrong, and it’s bound to have stuck with you. It’s like my friend Russell, he was struggling and before we realised how bad things were getting it was too late,’ Emily said, her voice clouded with emotion, ‘but you’ve made a big step, by acknowledging things are getting bad. That’s still progress to be proud of.’

‘Thanks, Mrs Patterson. I’m really sorry about your friend Russell.’

‘It’s okay. I miss him every day, but I know he’s up there, smiling down at all of us. And he’d be proud of you.’

The rest of the car journey passed in an easy silence, and soon Reggie and Bobby were piling into the car.

Alex relaxed as the journey back towards Moran’s was filled with noisy chatter, Bobby grumbling about how pointless the rest of their classes had been, and Reggie insisting that History had at least been fun.

Alex sighed, knowing that this easy atmosphere was short lived, but grateful for a moment of just feeling like he was okay.

At Moran’s, Luke clambered into the front seat, a large paper bag being sat down at his feet as they drove on again towards home, and he smiled at the sight of Alex grinning at Bobby and Luke.

_I need you to hold on, Alex. Please don’t let the world drag you down._

‘I was thinking, seeing as today was a big day, how about burgers for dinner? We could go to Burnett’s?’ Emily offered, chuckling to herself as the car erupted in excitable chatter, Burnett’s being one of the best non-chain burger places in the city.

‘I might get a hot dog, is that’s okay?’ Reggie said, hesitation lightly peppering his voice as he sought approval from Emily.

‘Whatever you’d like.’ Emily smiled reassuringly.

‘Your obsession with hot dogs is beyond me, Reg.’ Bobby said, teasing gently. He then turned to face Emily; his voice soft. ‘Is it okay if I call my grandparents when we get to yours, Mrs P? Only Pops had his appointment today and I wanted to check on how it went?

‘Of course, you can honey. Was it just a follow up appointment?’

Bobby faltered. ‘He’s been getting those pains in his spine a lot more recently, so it was just to see whether that is anything.’

‘Bob, why didn’t you say?’ Alex said, his voice tinged with sadness.

‘I just, there’s a lot going on, and I didn’t wanna add to it.’ Bobby said softly.

_Emily silently cursed, hating how these boys were so keen to hide what turmoil they were going through._

‘You have to tell us stuff, Bobbers. We love you, please don’t shut us out.’ Reggie said, smiling a little at the tiny snort he got from Bobby in response to his nickname.

Bobby nodded and promised he wouldn’t hide things anymore.

Luke bit his lip, unconvinced.

* * *

Later that evening, the four boys’, Mitch and Emily sat in a large booth in Burnett’s, the table covered in delicious food.

Alex pulled a face of mock revulsion as Reggie dipped his fries in a chocolate milkshake, and then rolled his eyes playfully as Luke made a point of dipping a handful of fries in his strawberry milkshake, the boys all laughing loudly as Luke grimaced, losing the grip on his fries which slunk to the bottom of his shake.

Bobby ate contentedly, relieved at how the phone call with his grandparents had gone.

Pops had said that they’d found nothing to be concerned about and had chalked up the pains to old age and the work he used to do in a factory.

Alex knew that in the morning he had to face what he was fearing and speak to a stranger about everything he saw as wrong with him. The thought sent a chill down his spine, but he ignored it, smiling at the people around the table.

_I love the people in my life. So much._

* * *

Bobby did not know his Nana and Pops were now sat in their home, a tense, sorry silence choking the air.

‘Why did you lie to him? Trevor, he needs to know.’ Linda murmured; her hand clasped in her husbands.

‘I don’t want him to worry. He’s already got so much pain, his parents ditching him like they are, his friend in crisis, I don’t want to be a burden on him.’ Trevor said, his eyes watering with unshed tears.

The two sat in the dark kitchen, clinging to each other in their grief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love these people :)
> 
> The song in the pharmacy that Luke likes is 'Dreams' by the Cranberries.
> 
> Poor Bobby though :(


	45. Chosen Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex goes to therapy, Reggie and Bobby go to school, Luke and Emily talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: homophobic language

‘Do you want me to come in with you?’ Emily said, as she sat with Luke and Alex in the waiting room.

‘I think I’ll be okay, I could always come and get you, maybe, if I change my mind?’ Alex said, his hands fiddling with his hoodie sleeves. He wanted this over quickly, his throat felt like it was blocked.

‘Of course, honey. We’ll be right out here.’ Emily replied, smiling at the blonde boy who was now drumming his fingers on his thighs.

The door opened, and a tall, thin woman emerged. ‘Alex Mercer?’ she called, and Alex jerkily sat up and stood.

‘T-that’s me, I’m Alex.’ he stammered, shakily.

The woman smiled. ‘Come on in, Alex.’

‘You can do this!’ Luke called out swiftly as Alex walked towards the office.

* * *

‘How do you think it’s going?’ Luke said, turning to his Mom, who was leafing through a magazine.

‘I hope it’s a good sign that Alex has been in there for a while, I would have thought if it was going bad he’d have removed himself. You know, Luke. This is only the first step, Alex isn’t gonna come out of there and be completely free of his problems.’

‘I know, Mom. I just don’t want him to hurt himself. I want him to see himself how I do.’

Emily raised her eyebrow slightly. ‘How do you mean?’

Luke blushed a little, shuffling in his seat. ‘I just. He’s such a good person, he’s never hurt anyone. And all the world has done is make him feel wrong. But he’s not. He’s smart, so much smarter than he’d say he was, and he’s beautiful and he’s so kind.’

‘Luke, you know, if there’s anything you want to tell me…’

‘It’s not, I, _I don’t know_. I don’t think me and Alex would work. But what if one day, I wanted to date him. Or another boy. Or a girl. I don’t know. Mom, please don’t be mad.’

Emily grabbed her son’s hand.

‘I’m not mad. You can date whoever you want, and me and your Dad, we only care if they make you happy.’

‘But, I don’t know what I am, or who I am. I just don’t know.’

‘Luke, you don’t have to define yourself right now. Or ever if that’s what you want. We love you, for exactly who you are.’

Luke sniffed, wiping the tears from his eyes. ‘Thanks, Mom. I love you so much.’

‘I love you too, honey.’ Emily said, bringing the boy in for a hug. ‘Have you talked with Alex about this?’

‘When he came out to me, I told him that I thought I could be attracted to a boy or a girl, but we’ve not really talked about it since.’ Luke said, smiling faintly as he thought of the two of them, sitting in the sun on the hill over the trainyard.

Alex had seemed so terrified then, even curling up in fear that Luke might hurt him, and Luke had felt his heart ache

. He adored Alex but was unsure that the two of them being together would be a good idea.

He didn’t want to label himself, and he didn’t want to be the first boy to break Alex’s heart, especially when his friend was already struggling so much with being okay with who he was.

Too many people had hurt Alex, and Luke refused to be one of them.

* * *

Across town, Reggie and Bobby were fed up with the school day already. A lot of people had brought up the rainbow badges in a cruel way, no doubt encouraged by Tabatha’s excited squawk as the two arrived at homeroom, pointing out the badges to everyone in the room.

Miss Dawes had tried in vain to control her homeroom but gave up quickly. Bobby silently wondered whether the woman had always hated her job or whether the profession had crushed her spirit until she gave up.

Donna had not joined in with the chorus of jibes and unkind laughter, scowling at Tabatha with an intensity that both thrilled and scared Reggie.

She’d turned to face Reggie and Bobby in the row behind her, and simply said. ‘I like your badges. They’re better than anything Tabatha has worn this year.’

Tabatha’s face had darkened, and her eyes sparked with a cruel fury.

‘Of course Demon Donna likes them. My brother Solomon was in your brother’s class, he said Ricky was a fag.’

Donna’s chair had scraped the tiles as she stood up, ready to grab Tabatha by her overly styled hair and drag her out of the room, but Miss Dawes stood too.

‘That’s quite enough. Tabatha, watch your language.’

Donna glared as Tabatha huffed. ‘Ricky mentioned your brother to me too, Tabatha. He said Solomon was the textbook example of a high school jock destined to fade out fast, always boasting about how he would play for the NFL. Where is it Solomon works again, the gas station on High Ridge or the trainyard in Horner Valley? Either way, definitely not the NFL. I'm sure your parents don't mention that at the Country Club.'

Tabatha’s eyes flared with rage. ‘Miss, how are you going to allow her to talk about my family like that?’

Miss Dawes rolled her eyes. ‘You always have a lot to say about other people, don’t be surprised when they start to talk about you. Now, be quiet, Tabatha.’

Bobby smirked. Maybe Miss Dawes had her moments of being okay.

Donna turned back to face Reggie and Bobby. ‘Where’s the rest of your little dork brigade today?’ she enquired quietly, her tone light and playful.

‘Alex had a bad day yesterday, he’s not gonna be in the rest of the week probably.’

Donna frowned knowingly. ‘I hope he’ll be okay. He deserves to get out this place in one piece. You all do. You used to seem like a bit of a meathead, Wilson, but you really are turning out to be a decent dude. Dropping Marshall and those assholes has done you good.’

‘Um, thanks, I guess?’ Bobby said. ‘I worked out who my real friends are, and what matters to me.’

Reggie smiled. ‘Bobbers has always been a good guy; he just hid it well.’ He smirked, laughing at the wide-eyed look on Donna’s face.

‘Bobbers.’ She repeated, awestruck, a devilish grin following. ‘You boys are too damn cute, you’re gonna give me a cavity.’

* * *

Alex stepped out of the office with a small, exhale.

‘How did it go?’ Luke said cautiously, trying to meet the blonde boy’s gaze.

Alex looked up, his eyes unmistakeably red, but an easy smile on his face.

‘It was actually really good; she was really nice. I’d like to come again if that’s okay?’ He said, looking to Emily.

‘Of course, honey. I’ll get you an appointment sorted.’ Emily beamed.

The three made their way down in the elevator to the ground floor, and then stepped out into the crisp air. Alex inhaled deeply.

‘Thank you for letting me do this.’ He said quietly. ‘My parents would hate that I’m here, but I’m really glad I’ve done this.’

‘We’re really proud of you, man.’ Luke said, as Emily nodded in the blazing sunshine.

‘So, you found it helpful?’

‘Oh yeah. It felt odd at first, like I thought she would laugh at me or tell me I should feel the bad things I do, but she was nice, and it was surprisingly easy to talk about it. I think it’s cos, I don’t really know her, so it’s not like I’m at risk of making her hate me if that makes sense.’

‘That makes sense, but I promise nothing you tell us would make us hate you.’ Emily said, placing an arm around Alex and then the other around Luke.

The three walked to her car, the sun shining down making them squint their eyes slightly, and Alex said a silent prayer as he walked.

_Thank you for Emily. Thank you for Mitch. Thank you so much for Luke and Reggie and Bobby. Thank you for their unconditional love. They are my family._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter without so much heartache, hopefully! :)
> 
> I didn't wanna write the therapy session itself as it feels like it'd be a lot of repeating the same things included before. :)


	46. Knives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Luke have a conversation, Reggie faces danger at school, Miss Murray takes action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Discussion of homophobia, homophobic language, threats of violence, knives

After they had returned home from the therapist, Luke and Alex sat in their room.

Luke looked at his friend, who seemed less tense again, and hoped what he wanted to say wouldn’t spoil it.

‘Hey, Alex.’

‘Yes?’ Alex said, looking up from the copy of _The Crucible_ he was reading.

‘I just wanted to say, um, do you remember what I said to you on the hill?’

Alex paused. ‘We talked about a lot up there, you might have to be more specific.’

‘When I said I thought I could be attracted to a guy or a girl.’ Luke said, his voice unusually small.

Alex stared at him. ‘Yes, I remember. What about it?’ Alex felt like he was being cold, but he was worried he might push too hard.

‘I told my Mom. She was okay with it. But. I don’t know what it means for me, like, I don’t know what I am or how to define it. Mom says I don’t need to label it, but it’s still bothering me. So, um. I just wanted to say it, I guess.’

Alex moved quickly over, throwing his arms around Luke. ‘I’m so proud of you for telling your Mom about it, and she’s right. There’s no rush to work out a label or define yourself. It’s different for me, I know that I’m gay and I’m only attracted to guys, whether I like it or not.’

‘Alex… you know that it’s okay to be yourself? I don’t want you to think you have to hide anything around me or not do what makes you happy.’

‘What’s brought this on?’ Alex chuckled nervously.

Luke moved, reaching under the bed. ‘Please don’t be mad. Ever since you said you felt clueless about sex stuff, I’ve been thinking about it. And I got some stuff, some information about safe sex and condoms and stuff.

So, I’m not saying you have to, but if you want, the stuff is in this bag under my bed, and you can read it and stuff, you know, if you want. I just thought of what it might be like if you were in a position where you wanted to do stuff and you wouldn’t know how to be safe, or about how to make sure you were comfortable with it.’

Alex stared at the large paper bag, now poking out from under the bed. He looked at Luke, the soft worry on the boys’ face and grabbed him, hugging him tightly.

‘Thank you. Oh my God. Thank you. Luke. I can’t believe you did this. How even...?’

‘I got it from Trent, he sorted it out at Moran’s for me, when my Mom dropped me off to _‘run errands.’_ ’

Alex blushed, his face a dark crimson. ‘Oh god, does Trent know it was for me?’

Luke nodded, laughing gently as Alex groaned. ‘He was really supportive about it though! He said I should read the information too, that there would be stuff we didn’t cover in Sex Ed.’

‘I just can’t believe you did this for me. I’m so lucky to have you as a friend. What Donna said about her brother Ricky dying of AIDS, it made me think. Under all my fear of my Mom and Dad and of God being angry at me, I was always afraid that one day I might do stuff with a guy and then I’d get AIDS and then I’d be left to die. And it made me feel so dirty, and so scared. I’d get these urges and then I’d be so disgusted by myself, being so tempted by sin and knowing the risk that I could get sick. I don’t know, does that make sense?’

‘It makes sense that you’d be scared of that, I mean, I’m nervous about doing it, one day, and my parents are really open about stuff. Your parents weren’t, you couldn’t have gone to your parents and talked about anything like that, but I know if I wanted, I could ask my parents questions and they’d be helpful. But there’s nothing wrong with you thinking about sex, or wanting to have sex, it’s natural.’

‘Thanks, Luke. I don’t know how I’m gonna look at Trent ever again though.’ Alex said bashfully.

Luke smirked. ‘I imagine Trent knows exactly how you’re feeling, he said he understood how hard it could be to be in your shoes, so he’s not gonna think bad about you. Did you know Mr Moran’s son was gay? Trent mentioned it.’

Alex paused slightly. ‘That explains a lot. My Mom refused to get my prescription from there, she'd always go to Locke’s, even though that’s more expensive.’

Luke frowned. ‘No offence, dude, but your parents are awful.’

Alex laughed, a quick bark. ‘I’m beginning to see that, yeah. No offence taken.’

* * *

Reggie walked down the corridor to Sociology. He loved the class, but wished Bobby studied it too. He felt a bit lonely sometimes, and as he rounded the corner, feeling hands grabbing his leather jacket, he wished Bobby were there even more.

‘Hey Peters,’ drawled Marshall, shoving Reggie against a water fountain. ‘How’s your little fag friend? Haven’t seen Mercer around today, which is a shame. I wanted to show him something.’

Marshall moved his hand into his letterman jacket pocket, pulling out a small switchblade.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

‘Tell Mercer, if I see him in this school again, I will cut him. I shouldn’t have to be sharing a school with a dirty little fag, and I definitely shouldn’t have gotten detention for trying to show him that he doesn’t belong. Understand, Peters? Or do I have to make it hurt for you too?’

Reggie shivered, the cold metal of the water fountain pressing into his spine as Marshall leaned into him, the blade glistening in his hand.

‘I asked you a question, Peters.’

‘I-I’ll tell him.’

Marshall’s face formed a horrid grin. ‘Good boy. See you around, Peters.’

Watching Marshall disappear down the quiet corridors, Reggie slumped to the floor.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

Any thought of Sociology was long gone, Reggie dragging himself to his feet, then walking in a daze down the stairs to the ground floor, along the corridor to a stop outside a brown door with a frosted glass panel.

He knocked, his hands feeling like lead. The door opened after a moment, and Miss Murray stared at him in alarm as he fell into her, sobbing.

* * *

Once Miss Murray had the facts, she grabbed the telephone.

‘I need an intercom announcement. _Now_. Bobby Wilson and Principal Goldwater to Miss Murray’s office. _Immediately_. Thank you, Hilary.’

The intercom sounded with a crackle moments later, the voice of the receptionist uncertain as she repeated the instruction.

Within minutes, Bobby was barging into the office, grabbing Reggie in a hug as he took in the shell shocked face of his friend.

Principal Goldwater arrived a few minutes later, annoyance on his face.

‘What is the meaning of my being summoned, Miss Murray?’

Miss Murray looked furious.

‘You and I are going to go to whatever class Marshall Underwood is in and we are going to search that boy, his bag, _hell_ , his locker if we have to, and you are going to ascertain why he thinks it’s acceptable to pull a knife on one student and threaten him to tell his friend if he comes back to school he will be ‘cut’, as it was phrased.’ She growled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooof, the beginning of the end for Marshall is upon us.


	47. Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miss Murray tells Principal Goldwater exactly what she thinks of the school he runs, Marshall's cruelty begins to get the better of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Homophobic language, reference to threats of violence, alcohol abuse

Miss Murray stormed down the empty corridor, Principal Goldwater hurrying to keep up with her.

‘We have no proof of what that boy alleged, Miss Murray.’ He panted. ‘Besides,’ he added, you know that Peters is from a troubled home, it wouldn’t be a surprise if he’s taken to making things up for attention’.

Miss Murray stopped dead; her face incredulous.

‘Do you have _any_ idea what goes on in this school outside your office and your overstuffed salary?’ She snapped. ‘Boys like Reggie, boys like Alex. They slip through the cracks because this school is not set up to support them properly, and that’s not simply an accident or an unfortunate occurrence, it’s by _design_.

Do you know Reggie has had to see things a child never should? Do you know how painful it was to have him come to me after class to apologise for the state of his homework, because his mother got so drunk that she threw a bottle at him, which stained his work?

And instead of any compassion when you find out he has had a knife pulled on him in your school, you suggest he might be making things up for attention?

Do you have any idea what Alex has been putting up with? Do you know one of your students no longer lives at home because his father, who I have met once and immediately could see was an emotionally abusive bully, was going to send him to a camp to essentially have the gay tortured out of him?

And then Alex comes to school to be threatened and hurt and told that the _‘only good fag is a dead fag’_.’ She snarled, staring at the Principal with revulsion.

Principal Goldwater faltered. ‘I, I didn’t know this was happening.’

‘Don’t insult my intelligence. After I had to break up another fight because Marshall and his friends were harassing Alex, I went to the administration office and I read Alex’s file. It is a damning portrait of a systemic lack of compassion this school has shown him. Disciplinary notes and red flags going back years, Alex being late for class because he was having an anxiety attack, Alex being forbidden to attend Sex Education classes, Alex getting in trouble because his father ‘objects to the subject matter being covered’, so he isn’t allowed to complete the assignment. The list goes on. This school is failing vulnerable students, and I think you’re fine with it in this case because the boy being targeted doesn’t meet your standards for good behaviour and the ones targeting him are your star athletes.’

Principal Goldwater opened his mouth to respond, but Miss Murray waved her hand furiously. ‘We are going to find Marshall Underwood, and if he has a knife in his possession, I want him expelled.’

* * *

Luke looked up from his copy of _The Crucible_. The boys had agreed that as Miss Murray was one of the only teachers they liked, they would prioritise her assignment over the other less enjoyable ones, which Alex was thrilled meant he didn’t have to think about Math again.

Luke smiled to himself as he saw Alex’s copy of _The Crucible_ splayed on the bed, Alex instead engrossed in one of the pamphlets from Moran’s Pharmacy.

_Don’t call attention to it, let him get the information he needs. Don’t make him feel self-conscious._

* * *

‘This is a very serious matter.’ Principal Goldwater said, feeling more secure now he was back in his office.

Sat across from him, Marshall scowled at him, as Miss Murray stood by the window. On the desk in front of Principal Goldwater, the switchblade glinted in the light.

Marshall shrugged. ‘I wanted to protect myself.’

‘From what? This school is a perfectly safe environment.’ Principal Goldwater said, ignoring the shriek of derision from Miss Murray.

‘From Mercer. He was in the bathrooms Monday afternoon, he grabbed me and tried to… you know, touch me. _Down there_.’

Principal Underwood flushed. ‘That’s a very serious allegation to be making Marshall. If this is true, Alex will be expelled.’

‘It is not true, and you know it!’ Miss Murray said, passing the brown card file she had collected from her office to the Principal. ‘As you can see, Principal Goldwater, Alex left with Emily Patterson after the fire alarm on Monday. Emily Patterson signed Alex out of the school grounds at reception at 10.18am. There is no reason to suggest Alex came back to the school just to assault Marshall.’

Marshall looked flustered. ‘I meant today. At lunch period. I got confused, that’s all. I didn’t wanna remember what the freak did to me.’

Principal Goldwater frowned. ‘But that doesn’t make sense. Alex isn’t at school today; he’s been marked absent.’

Miss Murray presented another card file, this time for Marshall Underwood. ‘And you can see here, Principal Goldwater, that Marshall was in detention today for the whole of lunch period. I gave him a detention after I found him in the corridor on Monday about to start a fight with Alex, Bobby Wilson, Reggie Peters and Luke Patterson.’

Principal Goldwater looked dumbfounded, then he picked up his telephone.

‘I need you to contact Mr and Mrs Underwood, and then Mr and Mrs Patterson, I need them to come into school. Ask the Patterson’s if they can bring Alex Mercer with them. Before you call though, put out an intercom announcement for Reggie Peters and Bobby Wilson to report to my office. Thank you.’

‘Why are you bringing my parents in?’ Marshall said. His usual bravado seemed shaky.

‘I have to follow proper chains of procedure. Your justification for bringing a dangerous weapon onto school grounds, which is against school rules, does not seem to hold up. I need the truth.’

* * *

Emily hung up the phone, staring at Mitch as she bit her lip.

‘Principal Goldwater wants us at the school, they want us to bring Alex too.’

‘Did they say why?’ Mitch frowned, adjusting his glasses as he often did when nervous.

‘No. What if they’re saying Alex can’t stay with us?’ Emily said. ‘What if the Mercer’s have done something?’

‘Whatever happens, Alex is staying with us. He’s family.’ Mitch replied, pressing a light kiss to his wife’s forehead. ‘I’ll go get the boys.’

* * *

Standing outside the bedroom the boys’ shared, Mitch took a deep breath.

_I can’t let Alex get hurt. Never again._

Stepping into the room after knocking gently on the door, he smiled at the two boys. Luke was lying on the floor, frowning up at the copy of _The Crucible_ , and Alex lay on the bed, reading a pamphlet entitled _Sex, Safety and Me_ , which he quickly covered with his copy of the play in a move that Mitch did not miss.

‘Hey boys. Sorry to interrupt, we have to go to the school.’

Alex looked alarmed. ‘Why? What’s going on?’

Mitch frowned. ‘I don’t know, son, Principal Goldwater wants us there, that’s all I know.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marshall is about to find out that his actions have definite consequences at last.


	48. Showdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone gathers in Principal Goldwater's office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: References to suicide, violence, homophobic language.

The drive to the school was fraught with tension. Alex couldn’t stop his leg jerking, drumming a beat into the floor of the car.

Luke was sat next to him, biting his lip nervously, a habit he had inherited from his Mom.

Mitch stared in the rear-view mirror as Emily drove. ‘I promise, Alex. If things go bad, we’re leaving. I won’t let that school hurt you again.’

‘Thanks, Mr Patterson.’

‘Principal Goldwater sucks, Dad.’ Luke sighed.

‘I know he does, but we should hear what he has to say.’ Emily said as she drove.

* * *

  
Once Emily had parked the four made their way into the school, hurrying a little in the drizzling rain that had started. As they reached Principal Goldwater’s office, they were met by a burly looking man and a well-presented woman. The man wore a flannel shirt not unlike one Reggie loved, and the woman was dressed in a pastel pink knit with a white skirt, pearls round her neck.

Miss Murray opened the door to Principal Goldwater’s office, and smiled.

‘Hello, Mr and Mrs Patterson, Alex, Luke. And you must by Marshall’s parents,’ she added, her smile faltering.

Alex inhaled sharply, his hands clenching.

_Was Marshall here? This had to be bad, Principal Goldwater will be on Marshall’s side in whatever this is._

‘Please come in, all of you.’ Miss Murray said, smiling weakly as Alex slowly followed the Patterson’s into the room.

‘Thank you all for coming,’ Principal Goldwater said once everyone was seated. The room felt claustrophobic with so many people in there.

‘What’s going on?’ Mr Underwood said softly. His voice surprised Alex, it was gentler than he expected, and there was no tense threat of anger in his tone.

‘It has been brought to my attention that Marshall has been giving Alex a hard time.’ Goldwater said, gesturing lightly to Alex.

Alex felt the Underwood’s stare at him.

‘What, why?’ Mrs Underwood said, staring now at her son. ‘What are you doing to this boy?’

‘Only making his life absolutely miserable,’ Luke scoffed.

‘Luke!’ Emily said, squeezing his hand.

‘Well, it’s true. I don’t know why we’re here now; we’ve been in this office before with you, Principal Goldwater.’ Luke said hotly, turning to the Underwood’s. ‘Marshall makes Alex’s life miserable, he calls him horrible names, he and his friends beat him –’

‘And Marshall brought a knife in to school and told me to tell Alex if he came back in, they’d use it on him.’ Reggie said quickly from where he was sat with Bobby.

_Alex felt his blood running cold._

‘What, when was this Reggie?’ he managed to gasp out, his breathing uneasy.

‘Today.’ Reggie mumbled. ‘He said he shouldn’t have to share the school with a… person like you, and he’d cut you if he needed to, to show you that you don’t belong.’

‘Person like you? What does he mean?’ Mrs Underwood said quietly, her eyes meeting Alex’s.

Alex let out a deep, wobbling breath and spoke.

‘I’m gay, Mrs Underwood. Marshall’s been accusing me of being gay for years and now he knows that it’s true, things have only gotten worse.’

‘Marshall, is this true?’ Mr Underwood said, his face looking to Alex to be… hurt?

Marshall shrugged dismissively. ‘Yeah. I did it. He deserves it though. It makes me sick.’

‘ _How could you?!_ ’ Mrs Underwood spoke, her voice a mix of a yelp and a shout.

Reggie flinched.

‘After everything Justin went through, how could you put someone else through that?’

‘I’m sorry, what do you mean?’ Miss Murray said cautiously, staring at the woman with curiosity.

‘We have three sons. Had, three sons.’ Mr Underwood said, his voice thick. ‘Our second son, Justin. He was so unlike his brothers, so… soft, not remotely interested in sport. It wasn’t a surprise to us when he came out. The boarding school he went to, with his older brother, was tough. Things got bad for him very quickly and before we could help him, he, he…’

Mr Underwood exploded into tears, his wife grabbing his arm.

‘Justin overdosed, the hospital couldn’t do anything to save him. And now, you, you have been tormenting someone just like your brother, how could you?’ Mrs Underwood yelled, staring down her son.

‘I don’t know, I don’t!’ Marshall yelled back, and in the corner of his eye Alex saw Bobby holding Reggie’s hand reassuringly as the raven-haired boy flinched again. ‘I don’t get why you were cool with Justin, it’s sick. Then I have this faggot around every day, it makes me feel sick.’

‘Why would you say what you did to Alex after your own brother died?’ Bobby growled. ‘ _The only good fag is a dead fag_ , that’s what you said to him. Alex has been terrified.’

The Underwood’s were staring at their son with horror in their eyes.

Emily’s heart ached for them.

_To have lost a child like that and then the other child is so cruel…_

Marshall shrugged again. ‘I just… I wanted to scare him. It’s fun to watch him be scared.’ Mrs Underwood had her head in her hands now, overwhelmed by despair.

Mr Underwood stared at his son. ‘You need to leave. Wait outside.’ Marshall stared incredulously at his father, then stormed out with a loud sigh, knocking his chair over on the way out.

Mr Underwood waited until the door had slammed shut, then turned to Alex.

‘I’m so, so sorry for my son. I can’t believe he’s been so cruel to you. I’m so sorry.’

Alex looked at the man, and felt for him. ‘It’s okay. I’m really sorry about Justin.’

‘Our son will never bother you again, I can promise you that.’ Mrs Underwood said, her voice firm in a sharp contrast to her tear-streaked face.

Principal Goldwater shifted a little in his chair. ‘There is the matter of school discipline to be arranged…’

Mr Underwood raised his hand. ‘Don’t worry about it. Expel him. He deserves it.’

Principal Goldwater paused. ‘Maybe suspension would be better, we cou—’ Mrs Underwood spoke, cutting him off.

‘If you suspend him he’ll think he’s getting away with it, and he’ll be back in this school and able to bully again. You need to expel him, or we’ll take him out of school. Either way, he’s not coming back.’

‘What are you going to do with him?’ Miss Murray said, frowning.

‘I don’t know, we’ll sort something out. But I can promise you, he will never be able to hurt you again.’ She finished, meeting Alex’s gaze.

‘I’m really sorry about what happened to Justin.’ Alex said, smiling sadly at the woman.

Now he looked at her again, what he had seen as well-presented perfection seemed overly forced now, and looking at her in this light he felt he saw the lines etched into her face by her grief.

‘Thank you for your kindness,’ Mrs Underwood said, standing to leave, ‘and no matter what Marshall said to you, always know that you are so very special and fine just as you are. Don’t let our son poison you against yourself.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marshall is out of the picture, I promise, he will not appear again. 
> 
> I wanted Mr and Mrs Underwood to be a sort of subversion of what Alex's parents were and for them to be two open and kind people who found that their sons went very different ways.


	49. Speak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The showdown continues, Alex feels supported.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Discussion of homophobic bullying, thoughts of death

As the Underwood’s closed the office door behind them, Alex just heard the tiniest bit of Mrs Underwood bursting into tears. His mind dragged him to its darkest places.

_Would my Mom cry like that over me? If I died, would she care? Would she be glad?_

Taking a deep breath, he forced him to listen, realising the conversation had continued.

‘I’m not sure I feel comfortable with Alex being at this school still.’ Emily was saying. ‘It sounds to me like you’ve been aware of this situation and have done nothing to stop it, would that be correct?’

Principal Goldwater was flustered. ‘I do not tolerate bullying in my school.’

Luke laughed. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. When I had that first fight with Marshall, you took his side. You accused me and Alex of acting like young lovers, which you called, what was it again, oh yeah. Morally reprehensible.’

Miss Murray glared. ‘Don’t tell me you said that, Jonathan.’

Goldwater shifted awkwardly in his seat. ‘I will not be told what I can and cannot say by a member of my staff. I feel bad that Alex has been threatened, and has lost his place at home, but there are consequences to behaviour. If Alex had been quieter, less noticeably, different, maybe he wouldn’t have been such a target.’

The room dissolved into an uproar, Reggie, Bobby, Luke, Miss Murray and Mitch and Emily all speaking at once. When Alex spoke, they all fell silent, the blonde boys shaking voice distracting them.

‘I _tried_ , Principal Goldwater. I was as quiet as I could be. I tried not to draw attention to myself. It hurt. I felt flat. Like I wasn’t a real person. I felt like I was a ghost or something.

But no matter how hard I tried, people saw me. Marshall saw me, Cole saw me, Peter saw me. Everyone saw me for exactly what I am, even before I fully understood.

And the only thing that has gotten me through are the people in this room and a few others, so please, don’t tell me I could have been quieter. I’m always quiet, but I’m tired of it.

I shouldn’t be afraid to exist just because people might not like what they see when they see me. Please. I just want to go to school and be safe, to not have to keep my eyes on my shoes in case guys think I’m checking them out. I don’t wanna have to hold my pee until I’m at home in case some guys are waiting to jump me in the bathrooms again. If I can’t be safe here, I can’t be here. I hope you understand.’

Alex looked over at Reggie and Bobby, seeing their soft smiles.

 _‘We’re so proud of you, that kicked ass.’_ Reggie mouthed.

‘Alex isn’t hurting anyone,’ Miss Murray said, ‘but this school has hurt Alex. There’s a bullying problem going unchecked in this school, and it cannot continue.’

‘I don’t know what to suggest,’ Principal Goldwater said wearily. ‘I cannot make people think Alex’s… preference is acceptable.’

‘You can protect him. You can treat him with respect and compassion. You can be willing to protect him to the level you clearly wanted to defend Marshall.’ Mitch murmured. ‘Even when his parents said to expel him, you wanted him here. Go to bat for Alex the same way.’

‘Fine.’ Goldwater huffed. ‘Alex, if you come back to school and you’re being bullied still, report it. We will stop it. I’m sorry. I don’t understand your choices, but I do know you seem to mean well, and you obviously want to learn.’

‘It’s not a choice.’ Luke growled. ‘Alex didn’t choose to be gay anymore than you chose to be a douche.’

‘Watch it, Luke.’ Mitch scolded, but Alex thought he saw a smile ghost across Mitch’s face.

‘Sorry, Principal Goldwater.’ Luke huffed, sounded very insincere.

‘I do want to learn,’ Alex added, quickly. ‘I’m not very smart, I guess, but I really like English.’

‘You are very good at it too!’ Miss Murray said, flashing a toothy grin at Alex.

‘Well, we’d be happy if you came back to classes.’ Principal Goldwater said. ‘I meant what I said, if you get bullied again, report it and I’ll get things sorted out. I’m sorry I didn’t realise the gravity of the situation before.’

‘Thank you.’ Alex replied simply, smiling tightly at the Principal.

He didn’t believe the man, but he felt that his intentions could have been worse.

‘Why don’t you boys wait outside? We’ll just wrap things up.’ Emily said, her tone making it clear to the four boys that this was an instruction, not a suggestion.

The boys left, Alex murmuring a quick thanks to Miss Murray.

Once the door was closed Emily stared into Principal Goldwater’s eyes, firmly. ‘If I find out Alex or any of my boys are being bullied again, I will be back here, and heads will roll. Alex needs to have time out when he needs it for his counselling appointments, and this will be allowed. Am I clear?’

Principal Goldwater nodded. ‘I think that’s reasonable.’

* * *

The boys were outside the office and had seized Alex in a huge hug.

‘We’re so proud of you Alex, the way you stood up for yourself. That was amazing.’ Bobby said, pressing a kiss on Alex’s forehead.

‘Thanks guys!’ Alex laughed, pulling a face as Luke ruffled his hair.

‘Honestly, Alex. You were amazing.’ Reggie said.

Alex grabbed Reggie, hugging him tightly. ‘You’re the one who had a knife pulled on you and then you got this to happen, dude. You saved me. You all have saved me so many times.’

‘It’s cos we love you, man.’ Luke cheered. ‘And we’re gonna be the most killer band this school has ever seen!’

‘We’re gonna be the _only_ band this school has ever seen, probably.’ Alex snorted. ‘That’s what happens when they cut the music program.’

‘Still, we’re gonna be great.’ Luke said, then dropping his voice to a whisper only Alex could hear added, ‘I still need to play you that song I wrote.’

Alex beamed at him.

He didn’t feel the unspoken yearning he used to feel when he looked at Luke, no longer did it feel like his heart was aching.

He loved Luke, he was sure of that, but he loved him as one of his three best friends, a group of four that would never part.

_I hope we’re together forever. Reggie, Bobby, Luke and me. Sunset Curve._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These boys make me smile so much. Goldwater's still a dick, but things will be better.


	50. A Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys play, an unwelcome visitor is at the Patterson's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Homophobia

Mitch and Emily had decided to drop the boys off at Bobby’s house, so the boys could play music together.

‘We’ll come and pick you up later, say, 9?’ Emily smiled, grinning at the boys.

‘Thanks Mom, that’s great. Love you guys.’ Luke said, waving at his parents as he climbed out of the car.

‘Thank you, Mr and Mrs Patterson. For everything.’ Alex added, sliding out of the backseat after Reggie had got out.

‘No problem. We’ll see you guys later. Call us if you need anything, son.’ Mitch said, meeting Alex’s gaze.

* * *

The boys played together, happy and free in a way that none of them had felt in a long time.

Alex couldn’t feel the usual weight on his chest that had become an everyday part of his life.

As Reggie found himself improving his bass playing, he didn’t think of having to go home to his family, and Luke felt like he didn’t have to worry about what he’d do after they graduated, he felt he’d finally found a passion that could be his future.

Bobby felt his house was a home again in a way it only was when Pops and Nana were in town.

He loved the way the boys’ music filled the empty spaces, everything felt warmer and more lived in for the sound of the four boys’ playing together.

* * *

‘Mitch…’ Emily said, as they drove along their street. Mitch followed her eyeline to outside their house, where they could see Daphne Mercer’s car parked.

‘Em, maybe she’s come to apologise for how they’ve treated Alex…’ He offered as Emily parked the car, and unbuckled her seatbelt.

‘Daphne.’ Emily said simply, as the woman got out of her own car and walked towards them.

‘Is he here? Alex, is he here?’

‘He’s out with the boys. Why are you here, Daphne? He’s only just started to feel remotely okay.’

‘He’s _my_ son.’ Daphne said firmly. ‘I want to see him. A boy needs his mother and father.’

‘I don’t think you’re in a place to be making demands.’ Mitch said, his tone soft but his face full of disapproval.

Emily sighed. ‘Do you know what Michael did to him? Hurting him, trying to send him to conversion therapy?’

Daphne was stiff. ‘I don’t think you understand, Emily. We cannot have a son who thinks he’s a fa—’

‘Don’t say that!’ Mitch snapped. ‘Don’t you dare use that word.’ ‘Well it’s what he thinks he is! He needs his family to help him, we can fix him. He should go to Camp Carlisle. He’d soon snap out of this foolishness, and then he could come home.’

‘He’s not being foolish, he’s being himself!’ Emily retorted, noticing the neighbours poking their heads out of windows to watch the scene unfold, some more brazen neighbours like Mrs Merriweather fully walking out onto her lawn to stare.

‘I don’t know what your son did to him, to make him feel like this is okay.’ Daphne sneered. ‘My son, the son I knew, would never be so disgusting. He was a normal boy, he was happy.’

Emily let out a shriek of derision. ‘Anyone could see your son was _miserable_ , Daphne. You and your husband _traumatised_ him. He’s terrified, he gets bullied at school and then he would be coming home to get bullied there too. My Luke, and his friends, all they have done is see your son for who he is and love him unconditionally. You know, how the Bible says to love your neighbour.’

‘I think you should leave, Daphne, and please, don’t come back. I’m not going to watch you undo any progress Alex has made.’ Mitch said firmly.

Daphne scowled at the pair. ‘Well, _fine_.’ She spat. ‘But don’t come crying to me when your son is infected by him. That’s what people like that do, they try and make more boys confused and then they take advantage. Tell Alex, that I do not want him using the name Mercer anymore. He’s given the right to that up the moment he chose this sinful lifestyle.’

‘Leave, now, Daphne. There’s nothing left of the girl I used to know, is there?’ Emily glared.

‘You’re hardly one to talk, you used to be a girl with dignity. The moment you started dating Mitchell, I should have known you weren’t up to scratch. Not to mention those people you went to college with..’

Mitch held his wife’s arm firmly. ‘Leave it, Em. She’s a lost cause.’

Daphne laughed bitterly, turning to address the street. ‘I hope you’re happy having a house full of sinners on your street. Sodomites, deviants, the lot, all gathering at this house of disrepute.’ She called out loudly.

‘I like them just fine!’ Mrs Merriweather called out. ‘The Patterson’s are good people, and the boys their son is friends with are fine young men. His friend Reginald mows my lawn sometimes.’

Daphne seemed rattled but rallied. ‘Oh, yes, a fine young man there! Parents lost in the bottom of a bottle, no wonder his morals are loose.’

‘He isn’t the one harassing people in the street, you miserable bitch.’ Mrs Merriweather replied, and Mitch failed to stop his incredulous snort of laughter.

Daphne was horrified, and stormed to her car, swinging the door wide open. ‘Tell that freak that he is not to refer to me as his mother again. Until he's ready to be cured, he’s dead to me as far as I’m concerned.’ She snarled at Emily.

‘If you’re his mother, I’m sure it’s no great loss.’ Mrs Merriweather crowed, cackling as Daphne slammed the car door and sped away. ‘I’m sorry to get involved, she seemed like a real cow though.’ She added, waving at the Patterson’s.

‘It’s okay, thank you for inspiring her to leave.’ Emily smiled, waving back as Mitch grinned at the elderly woman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like Mrs Merriweather :) a short chapter but I quite like it.


	51. YMCA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys practise a cover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Some sexual content

‘Alex, I think you should sing lead on this one.’ Bobby said, passing a sheet of paper to the blonde at the drums.

‘Are you kidding? It’s a catchy song, but it’s a bit, you know, disco for a band, right?’ Alex snorted.

‘I thought we could rearrange it, make it a bit more of an acoustic ballad?’ Bobby said softly, ‘If you just read the lyrics, they’re quite beautiful. It’s fine if not, I was just thinking, it’d be quite good to have in our sets if we played like parties or stuff.’

Reggie leaned over, yanking the piece of paper out of Alex’s hand. ‘If we do this, can we wear the costumes?’

Alex snorted again. ‘Who exactly would be who?’

‘Well, what do you think you’d be cuter as?’ Luke smirked, poking his tongue out as he stared at the piece of paper.

‘Well I think we know I’d be the leather dude.’ Reggie said, then his eyes went wide. ‘Or the cowboy!!’

‘You could be the sailor, Alex?’ Bobby offered, squeezing the blondes shoulder gently. He didn’t want the boy to think he was mocking him with the song. Bobby knew the association that the song and the group who sang it had and didn’t want Alex to think he was being taunted.

‘Well I definitely don’t wanna be the cop.’ Alex said, ‘and being the Indian seems wrong.’

‘It is, but the more appropriate term is Indigenous People or Native American. What? I pay attention in History, what the US did to the native people is wrong.’ Reggie said, staring at the three confused faces blinking back at him.

‘I’d like to be the leather dude if you’d be the cowboy, Reg?’ Bobby said.

‘What about me?’ Luke asked, and Alex answered quickly.

‘Either sailor or construction worker, you’d look smoking in either outfit.’ Then Alex slapped his hand over his mouth. ‘I’m sorry, I didn—’

‘Lex, it’s fine. I think I’d be more upset if you didn’t think I was hot.’ Luke smiled, ruffling Alex’s hair slightly and laughing as the blonde tried to restyle it.

‘I hope you’d find me hot in the leather outfit or I’ll have to change it to something more provocative.’ Bobby teased, making eye contact with Alex easily. Alex blushed furiously, cutting off Reggie before he could chime in. ‘Fine. You’re all hot. Okay?’

Reggie beamed. ‘Thank you, Alex. I hope you know you’re hot too.’ Alex blushed even more than before. ‘Okay, okay.’

‘So, we’re agreed? I’m the construction worker, Reggie’s the cowboy, Bobby’s the leather guy and Alex you can be the sailor? You’d look adorable in the outfit, Trent wouldn’t be able to resi—’ Luke was cut off as a drumstick span through the air, narrowly missing his head.

* * *

A few hours later, the boys stared at each other.

‘Shall we give it a run through, see if we need to start buying our costumes?’ Luke said softly, and the boys’ readied themselves.

‘You’ve got this, Alex. You’ll be amazing.’ Bobby whispered quickly. Alex stared down at the lyric sheet and listened as the guitars began. Then, with one last deep breath, he began.

_‘Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground. I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town, there's no need to be unhappy.’_

Bobby had been right. Stripped off its cheesy disco production, the song still had a strong melody and as he continued to sing, Alex felt himself feeling connected to the lyrics.

_‘Young man, I was once in your shoes, I said, I was down and out with the blues. I felt no man cared if I were alive, I felt the whole world seemed so uptight.’_

As he continued to sing, Alex felt his shaky voice becoming more confident and surer, and he smiled to himself as he sang, with each chorus, the boys joined together in a simple but soft harmony. They finished the song, and Alex looked to his friends.

‘Was I okay?’ He said, his voice shaking again.

‘Dude that was beautiful!’ Bobby said, hurrying to the drums and hugging the boy sat there. ‘You totally nailed what I thought we could make the song!’

‘Bobbers is right, Lex.’ Luke said softly, ‘You made the lyrics feel important and personal to you.’

‘We’re definitely getting the costumes; we can have it as a fun number while we work on writing original songs!’ Reggie grinned. ‘Now give us a salute, sailor?’

Alex frowned, then, seeing three boys beaming at him, gave a weak sailor salute.

‘You are so gonna look adorable, man!’ Luke grinned.

‘Says you, you’re the one whose gonna be wearing a little hard hat!’ Alex pouted.

‘Just be glad I’m not the cowboy, or I’d have to buy those chaps things with no ass in them, how would you focus then?’ Luke murmured.

‘I’ve seen your ass before, it’s not that distracting.’ Reggie said, noticing the way Alex was biting his lip and blushing again.

‘Yeah man, we’ve all seen your precious ass.’ Bobby added. ‘Don’t give Alex a hard time.’

‘I wasn’t, man. I was just joking.’ Luke said testily, his gaze then turning to Alex. ‘Dude, I didn’t mean to, man. I didn’t mean to make fun of you.’

‘Luke, it’s fine.’ Alex said. ‘I know you were kidding. Let’s just get back to rehearsing. Didn’t you wanna do one of songs you’d been working on?’

* * *

That evening, Alex turned in bed to stare at Luke.

‘I’m sorry.’ Luke said from the air mattress before Alex could speak. ‘I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. You were killing it with your song and then I ruined it all.’

‘You didn’t, well. You did make me a little uncomfortable. But it’s not your fault.’ Alex began, taking a deep breath.

_Please don’t hate me._

‘I have to tell you something, and I hope you can forgive me.’

Luke sat up. ‘What is it, man?’

‘I think, well, I know. I had feelings for you. I don’t think I do anymore. But I did. Please don’t be mad.’

‘Lex. I can’t pretend I never wondered if you might. Thanks for telling me. I’m not mad.’ Luke said simply.

‘Thank you. I didn’t wanna ruin things by telling you.’ Alex mumbled sadly.

‘You didn’t, man. You know, I can’t say I haven’t thought about kissing you. Outside of me wanting to offer to be your first kiss, I have thought about kissing you, for me.’

‘You have?’ Alex’s voice was tiny, and uncertain.

‘Well yeah, you’re gorgeous, man.’ Luke said, shifting to stand. ‘Can I?’ he added, gesturing to the bed.

Alex nodded, and Luke slipped under the covers quickly.

‘Luke…’ Alex said softly.

‘Yes?’

‘If you wanna kiss me, you can.’

Luke stared at Alex for a moment, drinking in the blonde in front of him.

Then his lips were on Alex’s, pushing through, exploring Alex’s mouth. There was a pause, then Alex’s tongue was there, the two lost in each other. Alex’s hands were in Luke’s hair, and Luke was shifting his body so it was closer to Alex’s.

Alex felt himself gasp inside the kiss as he felt how damn _hard_ Luke was, and realised he was the same. Luke’s hands were travelling, exploring every inch of Alex. Alex inhaled sharply as he felt Luke’s hands slipping into his underwear, and then his hand was _there_ and he pulled back from the kiss.

‘Luke, wait. We shouldn’t.’

Luke smiled, his face so soft.

‘Okay.’ He replied, shifting in the bed to lie on his back. ‘I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.’

‘Luke, you haven’t. I was loving what we were doing. I just, I’m nowhere near ready to go all the way, if that’s okay. And we need to use protection if we do stuff.’

Luke turned, grinning at the blonde. ‘That’s definitely okay. I’m glad you’ve been putting the information to good use.’ He said, gesturing to below the bed where the bag from Moran’s was.

Alex laughed, gently. ‘How was that, was that okay for a first kiss?’

Luke grinned. ‘It was great. Can we do it again?’

Alex pulled Luke towards him. ‘We certainly can.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is YMCA by the Village People, and the song and the group are still associated with gay themes to this day (which makes it even more bizarre that the dickhead who was POTUS kept playing it at events)
> 
> The arrangement I envision is closer to this version by Boy George here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi2hEyzqfos
> 
> Also the thought of the boys dressing as the Village People makes my heart fuzzy.
> 
> And.. for Alex and Luke, I don't see them being a couple or anything, but more on that to come.. :)


	52. It's a Sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the small hours, Luke is woken up.

Luke woke up in the dark of his room at 4am, to a sound he didn’t expect to hear.

The muffled sobs emanating from Alex’s bed curled and danced into the dark. His eyes gradually adjusting to the dark, he could make out Alex’s face shoved into the pillow, shaking as the blonde boy sobbed.

_Shit. What’s happening?_

Luke thought back to before he’d drifted off to sleep, how he and Alex had been lost in each other’s mouths, kissing each other ferociously like this might be their only chance. He thought of the soft amazed smiles on Alex’s face as they pulled their mouths apart.

_He was happy. He was feeling okay. Wasn’t he? What happened?_

‘Hey, Lex. Alex, it’s Luke, you okay, buddy?’ He whispered into the dark.

Alex tensed up, and it seemed to Luke like the boy was trying to be still.

‘Alex. I know you’re awake. Please. Talk to me.’

There was still no response. Sighing, Luke leaned over, switching the lamp on the bedside table on.

Alex turned to face Luke slowly, their faces close in the bed they had ended up sharing for the night after they’d tired of kissing.

‘Alex, what is it? I know you were crying. Please tell me. If it was something I did, I—’

‘It’s not you. It’s me. I had a bad dream.’ Alex said, his voice small and thick with tears.

‘You can tell me, Alex. Please don’t shut me out.’ Luke pleaded, suddenly afraid.

‘In my dream, it was last night. We were kissing still, and it was so good.

And then all of a sudden the floor was gone, the bed was falling, and we were falling and screaming and then we were in this dark place and I knew it was Hell.

And my p-parents were there, and everyone from school, and from church, and Bobby and Reggie wouldn’t look at us, and your parents were so angry. And then everyone started climbing onto these escalators, like the ones at the mall. And Reggie and Bobby left, your mom and dad left, my parents, everyone, then you. And I watched everyone rising up into the sky, and I went to follow, but every time I stepped on the escalators they stopped, and I was falling back into Hell. I was so alone. And I felt so empty, but it still hurt.’

‘Alex, I’d never leave y—’

‘But then I was in this different place all of a sudden, and I was old. I was like, our parents age. And I was alone again. In this tiny apartment, watching you and Reggie and Bobby tour the world, and I was left behind. And I knew in my heart, I deserved it. What if that happens one day? You all move on, get wives and families and then there’s just me. Alone.’

‘Alex, please listen. I know you’re afraid, I really do. But I won’t leave you. Me and Reggie and Bobby, I’m sorry dude, but you’re stuck with us. Forever. We won’t ever move on and leave you behind.’ Alex sniffed wetly, and Luke took his hand. ‘Do you think us kissing set this nightmare off? ‘Cos we don’t have to ever do that again if it makes you feel bad, ‘Lex.’

‘I don’t know. I really liked kissing you, it felt like I was alive. My heart felt like it was singing and everything felt like it was so colourful. But I don’t think I’m ready to be doing anything with a guy if I’m gonna react badly like this. I’m sorry, Luke.’

‘Lex, you don’t have to apologise. I’m happy with us just being best friends if that’s better for you. Besides, no matter what, I know I had my first kiss with someone who means the world to me.’

‘Thanks, Luke. You know you’re so important to me too. Do you think I should tell my therapist about this?’

Luke thought. ‘I think you should. It’s important she knows what happened so she can help you understand it all better. I’m sorry, Alex. I promised myself I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you and now I’ve made you feel bad.’

Alex stared at Luke. ‘It’s not you, I felt good doing what we did. But I think I need more time to be ready to do things without the shame I felt after.’

‘I just wish I could make things better.’

‘It’s okay, Luke. One day, I think I will be better. Maybe one day I’ll think a guy is hot and I won’t have this voice in my head saying I shouldn’t, but it’s very early days, I guess. Do you think we should tell Bobby and Reg about this?’

‘I guess so. It’s up to you, though Alex. Whatever you wanna do, I’ll support it.’

‘I think we should tell them. I’m a bad liar, my Dad was right. Maybe he was right about a lot of things.’

‘Alexander Owen Mercer, you listen to me. Don’t give your Dad too much credit, the guy is a douche.’

‘I know he is, but you know, I just. I wish I wasn’t me sometimes. If I wasn’t like this, maybe he’d, he’d, _love me_?’ Alex finished, bursting into a fresh wave of sobs.

‘Alex. I’m sorry. I just wish everyone could see you for how great you are. I feel like my life is better for knowing you, like you make me better. I used to be so cynical, but since I met you, I feel like the world is a lot kinder than I used to. Sure, it’s also so much crueller, but you make the good times better, everything feels warmer for you being there. If you weren’t here, my life would be so much shittier. I don’t think I’d have ever spoken to Reggie or Bobby if you didn’t introduce us.’

Alex smiled a little at the memory.

_The four of them, so tiny, back in elementary school, Alex bounding over to Reggie and Bobby when the teacher assigned a group project about colours, closely followed by a frowning boy called Luke._

_‘Reggie, this is Luke. He’s new. Luke, this is Reggie and Bobby, they’re my best friends in the whole wide world. Bobby’s so cool, he plays football but he still likes me even though I don’t know how to play and Reggie makes up the best stories. I don’t know what I’m good at but I’m sure I’ll find out someday.’_

‘I’m really sorry I woke you, we’ve got school in a few hours.’ yawned Alex, his tears subsiding.

‘Dude, it’s fine. But, can I ask something?’

‘Um, okay?’

‘Did you think about hurting yourself again tonight?’

Alex paused. ‘I didn’t actually, I felt like I was bad and I wanted to pray but I didn’t think I should hurt myself.’


	53. Push

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A misunderstanding pushes Luke to admit something.

Luke and Alex were still exhausted when they slumped into breakfast the next morning. Alex was still on edge after his nightmares and the thought of going to school didn’t help.

He’d barely slept after he and Luke had spoken, his thoughts full of his fears and desires. He had just begun to drift off into an uneasy sleep about 6am, and then before knew it the alarm was blaring, and he was there, trying to hide his unwanted morning wood.

He’d showered quickly, not daring to look at his shame. He’d been insecure about how his body looked for a long time, and now it seemed desperate to embarrass him and make him feel worse about himself.

When it had passed, Alex stared at himself in the mirror, his red skin and dark eyes making him wince.

_I look like shit._

Then he’d quickly dressed, and made his way back into the bedroom, where Luke had been drowsily slouched on the bed.

Now the two sat at the breakfast table, Alex doing his best to hide how his hands were trembling.

‘If you’re not up to it, you can take today out.’ Mitch offered, staring sympathetically at the boy.

_His heart will break if we tell him his Mom came here. We can't tell him what she said._

‘I can’t keep avoiding the world, Sir.’ Alex replied, hearing his old way of addressing his father creeping in.

_Mr Patterson would never crush my hands or try and send me to a camp. What did I do to deserve my father’s hatred?_

‘Please, call me Mitch, son. And nobody would blame you if you thought going back today was a bit too soon, you’ve been through a lot.’

‘I have to do it.’ Alex said wearily. ‘If I keep putting it off, I’ll never get back to school.’

‘Lex, you really don’t have to go back..’ Luke added, softly.

Alex turned to face his friend.

_God his lips look so good, and the way his tong—_

‘We can’t stop you, but if you change your mind, seriously, you have to call us.’ Emily said firmly. ‘And if anyone gives you trouble you have to report it to Principal Goldwater or Miss Murray.’

‘I will.’ Alex said, taking a glass of orange juice and letting the contents swirl down his throat.

‘He will, I promise.’ Luke said, grabbing a waffle from the pile.

* * *

Outside the school, Bobby, Reggie and Luke stared at Alex.

Bobby didn’t say it, but he thought it all the same.

_This is all starting to catch up to Alex. He looks drained._

‘You have a rough night, Lex?’ He said quietly.

Alex snorted. ‘Yeah, you could say that. But I don’t wanna talk about it right now, if that’s okay?’

His tone was colder than the boys were used to, and Bobby frowned, but dropped it, for now.

The four walked towards the main corridor, Reggie beginning to talk to Alex about an idea he’d had about their music, Bobby hanging back with Luke.

‘Dude, did you do something to Alex?’ Bobby asked cautiously.

‘What? What the hell do you mean, Bob?’ Luke replied, keeping his voice low.

'I know Alex said he wasn’t bothered about the whole thing about your ass yesterday, but he looked terrified to me. Like he thought you would hurt him. And now he looks so tired and defeated. I’m just worried, is all.’ Bobby muttered.

‘Bobby, it’s not like that. I promise. I didn’t hurt Alex, well, not intentionally. We, kind of, kissed?’

‘WHAT?’ Bobby’s voice cut through the hall loudly, and Alex and Reggie whipped round from where they were walking.

Alex’s eyes were wide, and Reggie had flinched in a way that made it clear to Bobby he would need to apologise for startling Reggie later.

The few people in the hall were staring, and Bobby all but dragged Luke along the corridor, swinging the door open on a vacant classroom.

Alex and Reggie slipped in after, closing the door shut.

‘What’s going on? Guys?’ Alex said, his voice wavering. Bobby didn’t miss the way Alex’s eyes kept flickering towards the door, like he was planning an escape.

‘You and Luke kissed. That’s what’s going on!’ Bobby growled. ‘I swear if you were taking advantage of Alex, Luke, I swear.’

‘ _What?_ How the hell could you think that Bob? Do you even know me?’ Luke said, his eyes glistening.

‘Well, I don’t understand. I just don’t want Alex to be hurt. If this is you experimenting or messing around, I don’t wanna see Alex get hurt.’

‘H-he didn’t hurt me. I wanted it. I liked it.’ Alex blurted out.

‘I’m a bit like Alex.’ Luke said quietly. ‘I, I didn’t want to tell you guys like this. But I like guys and girls, I don’t know what that means, but I do and I wish I didn’t have to tell you like this.’ He was beginning to cry, sharp little tears splattering down his face.

‘Luke, shit. I didn’t mean to—’ Bobby said, rushing to the desk that Luke was leaning against, throwing his arms around Luke.

Reggie sat silently, staring at the situation. His eyes glistened widely, and Alex thought he looked like the world had opened a new possibility to him. Alex felt the look was like the one Reggie got when he learned something new in class that made him understand the world a bit more.

‘I wish I knew; I was just scared you might have been hurting Alex, I know you wouldn’t, but I was scared.’ Bobby cried, weeping into Luke’s hair.

‘It’s okay, I wanted to tell you guys, but I’m still not sure about what it means for me.’

‘It means you’re still you, Luke.’ Reggie said simply. ‘You can be yourself freely.’

Luke let out a wet laugh of happiness, and Reggie hurried to join the hug. Alex joined in too. He promised himself he’d explain to Bobby about the dream, what the dream had made him feel like, but that could wait for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These boys, my heart <3


	54. Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex sees a flyer that intrigues him, Bobby wants to apologise to Luke.

Alex was happy as the boys left school that afternoon.

After they’d left the classroom and hurried to homeroom, there had only been a few pointed looks and whispers in his direction for the rest of the day, and he hadn’t seen Cole or Peter at all.

As the boys walked to Bobby’s later that day, it already having been agreed they would rehearse after school, Alex’s eyes caught on a flyer pinned to a lamppost. The flyer had a cross on it, but the cross was filled with rainbow colours. Alex slowed to a halt, staring at it with wonder.

_St. Jude’s Church, A church for everyone. Meeting Sunday’s at The Keene Community Centre, 6.35pm._

‘What’s that, Alex?’ Bobby said, moving closer to where Alex had frozen in place on the sidewalk.

‘I want to go, I think. It says for everyone, and it’s got a rainbow. Maybe… they’d accept me?’ Alex replied timidly, watching as Reggie and Luke came over.

‘Alex… are you sure?’ Luke said cautiously. ‘What if it’s not what it seems?’

‘But what if it _is_?’ Alex retorted quickly. ‘What if this is a chance for me to be with God again? What if this is a chance for me to still be able to worship but in a community that is safe for me?’

Luke frowned, biting his lip. Reggie and Bobby looked concerned too, but staring at the timid glow of hope in Alex’s eyes, Luke gave in.

‘If you wanna go, you should. We’ll come with you.’

Alex shook his head. ‘If it’s okay, I think I’d like to go on my own. It’s not that I don’t appreciate you guys supporting me, I appreciate it so much and I love you guys so much, but I wanna try this on my own if that’s okay.’

Bobby frowned. ‘What if we don’t come in, but we walk you there?’

Alex paused. ‘I guess? Then if it isn’t right, I can quietly leave.’

‘Sounds good, we’ll be there if you need us.’ Reggie smiled.

‘Are we thinking of going to that self-defence class next week?’ Luke said, eager to change the subject. He felt uneasy about this church idea, but he didn't know why. ‘I know we couldn’t go this week with everything that happened.’

‘I would really like to.’ Alex said, his eyes shifting between his friends anxiously. Luke noticed and felt a gnawing in his stomach.

_Alex does that a lot, it’s like he’s asking for permission for what he needs or wants. It’s like he’s afraid we’ll shut him down or mock him. I wish he were more comfortable saying what he wants. I know it’s not his fault, it’s how he’s been raised, but damn, it hurts to see him so afraid._

‘Of course, we can.’ Luke replied quickly, shooting Alex a smile.

The boys walked on, and if Luke noticed Alex moving a little more freely as though he was a little less tense, he didn’t mention it.

* * *

During band practise, Luke and Bobby found themselves in the kitchen together, grabbing a soda. The air was tense with unspoken words, until it was Bobby who broke the tension.

‘Luke, I’m so sorry, man.’

‘For what, Bob?’ Luke said simply, avoiding eye contact with the boy stood near him.

‘You know what. I didn’t wanna push you into saying what you did earlier, I don’t know why I thought you could have ever been messing with Alex, I know you’d never do anything to hurt him. Or any of us. But I was scared, and I jumped to a horrible, shitty conclusion. Fuck, why am I so shitty?’ Bobby finished, and Luke’s head jerked up to see Bobby wiping away tears furiously.

‘Bobby, look at me.’ Luke said, feeling his heartbeat quicken.

Bobby was clearing trying to control himself, but he was really crying now.

‘Luke, I wish I could take it back. I wish I didn’t make things bad for you. You should have been able to tell us if you wanted to, when you wanted to, but I gave you no choice. Fuck!’

Luke grabbed Bobby, pulling him into his chest. ‘Bobbers, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have told you I kissed Alex before explaining any of it, I can see why it might have been worrying, that your seemingly straight friend is kissing him. But I’m glad you know that part of me now, and like I said. I haven’t figured it all out yet, it’s still so new for me. I don’t think I’m gonna be kissing Alex again any time soon after his nightmare.’

Luke’s eyes widened as he sat in the silence of what he’d accidentally mentioned.

_Shit._

‘W-what nightmare?’ Bobby sniffed, his eyes mixed with worry and hurt.

‘I had a really bad dream.’ Alex said simply, as he entered the kitchen, Reggie close behind. ‘Sorry to interrupt you guys.’ He added.

‘What kind of bad dream?’ Reggie said, linking hands with Alex easily.

‘Erm. It was like me and Luke were in hell, and everyone was there. Luke’s parents, my Mom and Dad, everyone. You all looked at me and then left, up these escalators to, Heaven, I guess.

And then it was just me all alone and this voice in my head kind of said that this was right, it was what I deserved. Then I dreamt I was old, and alone. And you guys all had something in your life, families, wives, happiness. And then I was just alone.’

‘No matter what happens, we’ll never leave you alone, Alex.’ Bobby said, his tears starting again.

‘Bobbers is right, we love you, you’re stuck with us.’ Reggie smiled, watching Bobby cuddle up to Luke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short one, but I hope you enjoy.


	55. Violent Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex has a very bad morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Violence, assault, homophobic language, threats

That evening, Alex and Luke lay side by side, Alex in the bed, Luke on the air mattress. 

Luke took a deep breath, hoping he could phrase what he wanted to say right.

‘Alex, this church idea. Promise me, you won’t get your hopes up too much?’

‘What’s brought this on?’ Alex said, turning to stare at him.

‘It’s just, ever since you saw the flier, I can tell you’re excited, and I don’t want you to get disappointed if they’re not what you hope.’

Alex huffed. ‘Why wouldn’t they be? It said, _‘a church for everyone’_. What are you trying to say, that it’s _‘a church for everyone except gay guys who disappoint their families’_?’

Alex was mad, he could feel the blood thundering in his veins.

Why wouldn’t Luke let him have this? He was feeling excited about something, and that was so rare.

‘This means a lot to me, Luke. I know you don’t get it, but before, I had a church community. And yes, things were bad, and they preached one thing but did another. But does that mean it has to be the same everywhere? I wanna try, and yes, it’ll hurt me if it is like my old church. But it’s hurting me more to be without faith. Please. Try and understand, if you can’t then fine, but at least be happy for me.’

‘I am happy for you, Alex!’ Luke yelled. ‘But it doesn’t stop me being afraid. If it goes bad, you might get hurt, and then you might hurt yourself. And I don’t wanna think of you hurting yourself over something we could have avoided!’

Alex turned in bed, facing the wall. He didn’t want Luke to see the tears in his eyes. Not when he was so angry.

‘Lex, please?’ Luke murmured, quietly.

‘I don’t wanna talk right now, Luke. Please. Can we talk in the morning or something?’ Alex replied hotly, trying to steady his wavering voice.

‘Okay. I’m sorry Alex.’ Luke could tell Alex was crying, and he let his own tears fall onto his pillow silently.

* * *

Luke woke to find Alex out of the room. Rubbing his tired eyes, he padded along the corridor, towards the bathroom. The door opened and there was Alex, who looked at him in surprise, then averted his eyes, heading for the kitchen.

After he’d showered and dressed, Luke found Alex sitting in the kitchen with Emily, who had her hand on his. Luke took in the red eyes of his friend.

_Great. I made him cry again. Well done, Luke._

Luke opened his mouth to speak, but Alex stood up quickly, avoiding his gaze as he darted out the front door.

Grabbing his sneakers, Luke went to go after him, but Emily put her hand on his arm firmly.

‘He needs a moment, honey. He’s upset, and he knows you meant well, before you say,’ Emily said, ‘but he needs his independence. He told me he’s worried that since he told everyone about hurting himself that he’s being monitored all the time.’

‘Mom, I didn’t mean to upset him, but—’

‘I know, my love. He promised me he’d talk to you later, but I think it’s all still a bit raw for him now.’

* * *

About ten minutes after he’d stormed out of the Patterson’s house, Alex was certain he’d made a mistake.

He stomped down the street, past Corinne’s and Moran’s pharmacy, past the store where Bobby had bought him the pink hoodie and walked headfirst into his father.

Michael Mercer stared at his son, and Alex knew he should run.

The vein in his father’s forehead was throbbing. Alex made to run, but his father’s hand was soon crushing into his arm, pulling him sideways into a backstreet that ran behind the stores. The back alley was filled with trashcans and rubbish, and Alex whimpered as his father pushed him against the wall, out of the view of the street.

‘Dad, please…’ Alex pleaded, instantly knowing his word choice had made things even worse.

‘I am not your _father_ , you made that choice, you disgusting little cocksucker.’ Michael snarled, then his fist pummelled into Alex’s stomach, over and again.

‘Look at yourself, parading around in this shit.’ He continued, pulling at the collar of the pink hoodie. ‘I give it a year, maximum.’

‘What?’ Alex wheezed, the air having been completely knocked out of him by his fathers fist.

‘Until you’re holed up in some disgusting hospital ward, dying of AIDS. The Patterson’s won’t want anything to do with you then, believe me.’

‘Dad, s-sir. T-that’s not true, I won’t get AIDS, but even if I did, they’d support me.’ Alex choked out defiantly.

Michael sneered. ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if that pathetic little son of theirs hasn’t already been bending you over. Is that something you all do, you and your little group of freaks? Take it in turns? I bet you’re all fucking riddled wi—’ Alex looked on in shock as his father was yanked back, a man in a white shirt dragging him backwards.

‘You wanna shut the hell up and leave now, and never go near that kid again!’ The man yelled. Alex vaguely recognised the man, and the name badge he wore suddenly made things click.

_That’s Mr Moran, he runs the pharmacy where Trent works. His son died of AIDS._

Sure enough, there was Trent, halfway down the alley, hanging out of a doorway.

‘I’ve called the cops, Mr Moran. They’re on their way.’ Trent called, his sad eyes darting to where Alex had now slumped on the dirty alley floor.

‘I might have known you’d be involved in this!’ Michael growled, casting a foul look at Trent. ‘Was it you, I bet it was, it was you who corrupted my child, made him think being a fag was acceptable.’

‘Get inside, Trent, don’t dignify this creep with an answer.’ Mr Moran said firmly. ‘The boy said the cops are on the way, do you really want to get arrested for assaulting your own son?’

Mr Moran let go of Michael’s collar, and Alex watched his father stumble, struggling to get his balance.

‘You’re done, boy.’ Michael said, spitting at the floor in front of his son. ‘If I ever see you again, I’ll break your neck.’


	56. I Cried For Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex's support network gathers.

Alex felt dazed. He remembered his Dad storming out of the alley and vaguely felt Trent helping him up, and Mr Moran leading them into the back of the pharmacy. He was overwhelmed.

_My Dad hates me so much. I can’t fix this._

He felt himself being sat on a chair, and he watched Mr Moran locking the door to the alleyway, and Trent crouching in front of him.

‘Alex? I’m gonna call the Patterson’s, is that okay?’

_That’s your cue, Alex. What's wrong with you? Speak._

Alex opened his mouth but found he couldn’t speak. His lip was trembling, and he knew he was going to burst into tears again. He nodded quickly, and Trent gently touched his shoulder as he passed Alex.

* * *

‘Luke, honey, don’t rush your food. I’m gonna drive you to school, just try and relax.’ Emily said, watching her son shove waffles aggressively into his mouth.

‘I need to get to school, I need to speak to Alex.’ Luke said thickly, his words mixed with the food still in his mouth. The phone started to ring, and Emily picked it up, staring at Luke as he finally swallowed his food, washing it down with milk straight from the carton.

_Remember to get more milk later._

‘Hello, the Patterson’s, Emily speaking.’

‘Hi, Mrs Patterson. It’s Trent Jones, I’m at Moran’s. Alex is here. You need to come, it’s bad.’

‘Trent, what happened?’

‘His father saw him and decided to beat him up in the alleyway behind the store.’ Trent said, his voice shaking.

‘WHAT?!’ Emily shrieked, now aware of Luke standing next to her.

‘Okay, okay. We’re coming now.’ She hung up the phone, her eyes shimmering.

‘M-mom?’ Luke said, his voice cracking.

‘It’s Alex. We have to go to Moran’s, now.’

* * *

When Luke and Emily reached Moran’s, Mitch having gone on to get Reggie and Bobby out of school, they found Alex sat in the tiny room that served as the employee break room, with Trent watching him anxiously.

‘He hasn’t said a word since it happened.’ Trent whispered to Emily and Luke. ‘Mr Moran is talking to the police out the back.’

Luke sat down across from Alex, wanting to make things better, but terrified that this was beyond him.

_He didn’t wanna talk to you earlier, he probably isn’t ready still._

‘Luke.’ Alex’s voice was so small Luke almost believed he’d imagined it.

‘Alex?’ Luke replied, his voice wavering as he felt his lips trembling.

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘I’ll give you guys a moment,’ Trent murmured softly, slipping out the door, Emily leaving with him.

‘Alex, don’t you apologise. I’m the one who should be sorry. I made you feel hurt and rejected and then you got hurt.’

‘It’s not your fault, Luke. As soon as I left the house this morning, I regretted it, but I thought I should just keep pushing through it and try and just, be, like, a normal teenager for once.

But then I walked into my f-f-father, and he was so angry, and then he dragged me into the alley and there were people in the street, there were other people on the sidewalk and they just ignored it.

And he, he h-hit me, and he kept hitting me, and it _hurt so much_ , even worse than when Marshall punched me, and then he said the most horrible things, and I thought he was gonna kill me.

And he’s my father. And it’s really hitting me now, he _HATES_ me.

And then Trent and Mr Moran were there, and then he said nasty stuff to them too, and then, he, um. He said he was gonna break my neck if he saw me again.’

‘Alex, please. Can I hug you? Please.’

Alex nodded, and Luke moved, putting his arms around Alex, and the dam broke for both boys.

They sat and cried, huge, heaving sobs, and Luke and Alex wept together.

* * *

‘What can you do about it?’ Emily said to the police officer, feeling angry.

She felt that the officer didn’t seem particularly interested in what had happened, and she wondered if that was because it was an incident involving homophobia.

‘I’m sorry, but there’s very little we can do.’ Officer Duggan said, not sounding especially sorry. ‘Mr Mercer is the boys’ father and there is a good chance he could just claim overzealousness in discipling his son.’

‘That man is no father to his son, no matter what a blood test would say.’ Mr Moran glowered. ‘No father worth anything threatens to break his kids’ neck.’

Officer Duggan shifted uncomfortably. ‘Unless the boy wants to really push for us to take this further, there’s little we can do. He wouldn’t talk to me earlier, so I can’t do much.’

‘You’re kidding me.’ Emily said incredulously. ‘Alex had just been beaten up and threatened, he’s traumatised. You have to do something.’

‘Tell you what,’ Officer Duggan said, ‘I’ll go to the Mercer’s house later, and tell Mr Mercer to leave his son alone. How about that?’

‘That’s the bare minimum, but yes. Do that.’ Emily scowled. ‘Do you have the address?’

‘I do, that… boy gave it to me.’ Duggan said, gesturing at Trent stood in the doorway. His disdain was not missed, and Emily noticed the way Mr Moran’s fists clenched.

* * *

‘Is Alex hurt?’ Bobby said as he ran down the corridor with Reggie, following Mitch.

‘His sorry excuse of a father hit him, but I don’t know how badly he’s hurt yet.’ Mitch said, frowning as he hurried along towards the doors of the school. ‘You boys need to stay away from him.’ He said, turning to see the anger on the boys’ faces. ‘There’s no way it will do anything but hurt Alex more.'

'Fine.’ huffed Bobby. He knew Mitch was right, but he was still so angry.

_If I ever have kids, I will never be anything like my parents, or Reggie’s, or Alex’s. I wanna be like Mitch and Emily, and Pops and Nana._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Officer Duggan is such a POS.


	57. I Can't Give Everything Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: discussion about AIDS, references to violence

Alex stared at the brightly lit employee break room, taking in his surroundings properly. He saw the framed photo of a young, bright faced boy with dark hair, grinning easily at whoever it was taking the photo. The frame was lined with ribbons in a rainbow colour.

‘That’s Mr Moran’s son, David.’ Trent said, re-entering the room to see Luke and Alex still clinging to each other. ‘We never met, he died before Mr Moran hired me. My first week here, Mr Moran made a point of showing me his picture and telling me all about his son, and I knew why he was telling me, I knew he knew I was gay and that he’d employed me happily with that knowledge and it meant a lot.’

‘Poor Mr Moran. It must be so horrible to lose your kid so young.’ Luke said softly, squeezing Alex’s hand gently.

Trent sighed. ‘Especially to lose him like that. It’s why Mr Moran is so passionate about raising awareness about AIDS. By the end of his life, it caused inflammation in his brain which made him develop dementia, so David couldn’t recognise the man at his bedside as being his Dad. Mr Moran wanted me to know so I was safe, he made me promise I’d never put myself at risk like that.’

Alex stared on, his eyes burning into the picture of the boy on the wall. He felt a sea of conflicting emotions. He was sorry for David that he’d suffered so much, but a strange, small part of him felt something else.

Am I jealous? How can I be jealous that his Dad cared so much about him, and mine wants to kill me. How sick is that? Am I jealous of a dead boy? What’s wrong with me?

‘I need to get out. I can’t.’ Alex said quickly, moving jerkily as he stood.

His stomach was aching, and he knew it was a sorry mix of where his father had punched him, the fact he’d skipped out on breakfast and the nauseating reality of his life.

* * *

Emily was sat with Mr Moran in the alley, perched on plastic chairs that sat next to a small, upturned crate.

‘How can someone be so damn cruel to their own child?’ Emily said wearily, her head in her hands.

Mr Moran frowned. ‘I don’t understand it, but Alex is lucky that he has you in his life. He needs to be supported; this is gonna be a really tough time for him. I loved my son David so much and he still struggled. But Trent told me that you’ve really been there for him and your son got Trent to sort out some information about safe sex, so that tells me that you and your family are really gonna get him through this.’

The door to the pharmacy clunked open, and Alex barrelled out, panting heavily.

_Breathe, Alex. Just breathe. You can do this._

Emily and Mr Moran watched Alex, Emily rising from her chair, Mr Moran remaining seated.

‘Alex, honey, just breathe for me, okay. Try and do your breathing exercises, okay?’

Mr Moran watched on as Alex tried to keep it together, Emily standing close to him but not too close.

Mr Moran turned to the door, smiling a little at the sight of Trent and Luke peering out.

‘You boys come on back inside, give them a little space?’ he said kindly.

‘Okay, Mr Moran, I’ll go start my shift. Andrea must be furious to be out on the floor on her own.’

Mr Moran patted the boy on the arm gently. ‘You’re a good kid, Trent.’

Emily met her son’s pleading gaze. ‘You wait out front, Mitch should be here with Reggie and Bobby soon.’

Mr Moran stared at Alex one last time, the fear and anger coursing through him making his head hurt.

‘Alex?’ he called, hating to see the way the blonde’s head jerked up fearfully.

‘Yes sir?’ Alex replied, his voice quavering.

‘You’re a good guy. Your father is too stupid to see it, but you deserve to be happy. Please, don’t let him dim your light.’

‘T-thank you, sir. I’ll try. It’s just getting hard.’

* * *

Luke felt as though he was wearing holes in the ground as he paced back and forth outside Moran’s.

So many things were racing around his mind, he wanted nothing more than to storm down Alex’s street and find his awful father and tell him exactly what he thought.

 _No_ , a voice whispered softly in his head. _Alex loves his father, even with how badly he gets treated._

_I hope my Dad gets here soon. I need a hug._

_I don’t ever appreciate how lucky I am that my Dad is around, unlike Bobby’s, and he’s not a cruel drunk like Reggie’s, and he’s so far from being a bully like Alex’s._

_I hope I make my Dad proud. I think Sunset Curve might do that, I wanna make music and make things so much better. I want my Dad to be able to retire and enjoy himself with Mom, I wanna be able to tour with the guys, get far away from this city and this school full of cruel people_.

‘Luke?’ Luke whipped around to see his Dad hurrying toward him, Reggie and Bobby close behind. He ran at his Dad, falling into his embrace.

‘Luke, are you okay?’ Mitch whispered into his son’s hair as his child wept.

‘I just love you so much Dad. I love you and I’m sorry I don’t say it enough.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of hated this chapter, but it's done at least.


	58. Policeman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Officer Duggan visits the Mercer house, Alex makes decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Suicidal thoughts, reference to conversion therapy, assault

Officer Duggan stood at the Mercer’s front door. He’d rang the bell three times now and was getting annoyed.

The two cars on the driveway suggested someone was in, and it was getting on his nerves having to stand here, especially when he was acutely aware of the eyes of nosy neighbours on him. He was about to ring the bell again, when the door opened quickly, and he was greeted by the sight of Daphne Mercer.

‘Can I help you, Officer?’ Her voice was tight and clipped, and her eyes were shifty.

‘I need to speak to Michael Mercer, are you his wife?’

Daphne nodded curtly. ‘He’s not here. What’s happened?’

Officer Duggan shifted awkwardly on his feet. ‘Well, ma’am, your husband has been accused of, well, roughing up his son, Alexander. Are you his mother?’ Daphne cleared her throat.

‘You better come in.’

Inside the kitchen, Daphne ran her hands through her hair. ‘Alexander has shown himself to be a dishonest boy; he’s probably lying about this.’

‘Your son seemed very afraid when I got to the scene, Mrs Mercer. He would barely speak.’

Daphne paused, unsure how to press forward with this.

‘Alexander has put us through a lot, it’s why he’s not living with us anymore. He thinks he’s a, well, a _homosexual_ ,’ she said, whispering the last word.

‘Be that as it may, ma’am,’ Officer Duggan said, his skin crawling at the thought of such a thing, ‘your husband attacking him in the street means that people get the police involved. If this issue were resolved privately, we would be able to turn a blind eye.’

‘How do you propose we resolve it privately, Officer?’ Daphne said hotly. ‘I cannot stand the thought of being in the same room as him now.’

‘Your husband?’ Officer Duggan enquired.

‘No!’ Daphne shrieked derisively. ‘My s-Alexander. We tried to send him to a camp to get this fixed, but he resisted. The people he’s staying with, they indulge him in these flights of fancy.’

Officer Duggan paused. ‘Would you be happy if we were able to get your son to be taken to a camp? He’s still a child, so technically we could pursue an angle of the people he’s staying with having taken him without permission?’

Daphne paused. ‘I’d rather not bother. What Alexander thinks he is absolutely repulsive to me, as I’m sure you understand’, and she smiled as Officer Duggan nodded, ‘but me and my husband are washing our hands of him. I don’t see why we should have to pay for him to fix his own perversion.’

Officer Duggan smiled. ‘I understand, Mrs Mercer. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to have your child go down that path.’

‘Thank you, Officer.’ Daphne said softly.

‘Well, I’ll see myself out, thank you for your help, Mrs Mercer. Just tell your husband to be more discrete if he sees your son around and wants to deal with him.’

‘I will do, you have a nice day now. God bless.’ Daphne said.

Officer Duggan stepped onto the Mercer’s front lawn, making his way back to the car.

He hoped this would be the last he had to deal with pretending to care about Alexander Mercer.

Being in that pharmacy, seeing the snivelling boy in the pink hoodie, then the framed photo of what was no doubt another one of _those boys_ with rainbow ribbon draped around it, then a brunette boy working there who was a little too ‘light in his loafers’, as Superintendent Dawson would put it, it had made Officer Duggan sick.

_I hope the boys father finds a way to deal with him discreetly._

* * *

Inside the house, Daphne had made her way up to what had until recently been Alex’s bedroom.

She searched the drawers, the cupboard and under the bed, finding everything that Alex had either forgotten to pack in his hurry or had no space for.

She found a too small t-shirt from a church choir contest a few years back, a stuffed toy dog that had found itself under the bed and lost to time, a few pairs of socks, an empty inhaler. Everything she found was placed in a plastic trash bag, and then shoved outside of the room to be taken down to the trashcans later.

Then she methodically vacuumed and polished the room, stripping the bedding and adding it to the trash bag.

By the time Michael returned home that afternoon, a soft curling scent of whisky on his breath as he kissed her roughly, any trace of Alex had been purged from his bedroom.

_Tomorrow I will get rid of any photographs. Goodbye, Alexander._

* * *

Across town, Alex sat in silence as the Patterson’s drove home.

Everyone was silent in the car, Bobby and Reggie sharing anxious glances with Luke, who looked desperate to say something but couldn’t find the words.

Alex’s mind was filled with thoughts, and none of them were kind.

_I can’t do this anymore._

_I can’t pretend I’m doing okay, or that I’m not ashamed of who I am._

_Every time I feel remotely okay with being who I am, someone drags me back down. I’m tired of being so needy, of always having to be watched._

_I should end it all, maybe I could sneak some pills out of the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, then go to sleep, leave it all._

_They’d be better without me._

_I need to leave them so they can be happy. I’m dragging them all down._

The silence in the car was suddenly broken as Alex broke down into racking, heaving sobs.

_I don’t want to hurt them._

_I can’t kill myself._

_I can’t._

_I don’t want my Dad to win._

_Even if I die, things won’t be better. People at school will gossip and laugh about me still, I know it. I'll just be a joke, even in death._

_I need to be here._

_I want to see Reggie get out of that house, away from his parents._

_I want to see Bobby graduate; I want him to see his grandparents so proud of him and for him to forget his parents are bad people._

_I want to see Luke killing it with the rest of us, his songs going on forever and all of us there together every step of the way._

_I have to hold on, if not for me, for them._

‘Alex, it’s okay, I’ve got you.’ Luke mumbled into Alex’s ear, holding him tight as the car neared the Patterson home.

‘Don’t let me near the medicine cabinet. I’m not safe. I’m not okay.’ Alex whispered back, clenching his eyes shut so he didn’t have to see the look on Luke’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. This is a dark one.
> 
> Officer Duggan is the worst, as is Daphne.


	59. Hold On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke empties the medicine cabinet, Alex confesses his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: References to suicidal thoughts

Once they were back at the house, Luke bolted inside before anyone could stop him, sprinting to the medicine cabinet. He yanked back the glass cabinet door, and started grabbing everything from inside of it, the painkillers, sleep aids, even the bandages.

His arms full of the contents of the cabinet, he moved down the hall, dumping it all onto his parents’ bed.

Emily appeared, staring at him in alarm.

‘Honey, what on earth are you doing?’

‘You need to keep this stuff in here, Mom. Alex said to me to stop him getting near the cabinet. I think he’s…’ Luke stopped, the sheer weight of the situation hitting him like a train. He looked at his Mom, his vision blurring from the tears welling up in his eyes. ‘Mom, I don’t know how to help him.’

Emily gripped her son tightly, pulling him into her arms.

‘All we can do is be there. We can’t force him to not hurt himself, but it’s got to be a good sign that he warned you. He must want to not do it.’

* * *

‘I’m really sorry. I’ve made everything awful for all of you.’ Alex mumbled quietly.

He was sat on the sofa, Reggie and Bobby on either side of him.

He knew what Luke had ran to do, and the prolonged absence of Emily meant she must now know what he’d been thinking about too.

Mitch leaned over the sofa, pressing a soft hand on Alex’s shoulder carefully.

‘Alex, what is happening to you isn’t your fault. You shouldn’t have to live like this, being afraid all the time, apologising for what people are making you feel.’

‘I’m sorry, Mr Patterson, I thought I was getting better. I really did. But seeing my Dad and then him hitting me, it’s made me feel all these bad things again.’

‘What kind of bad things?’ Bobby murmured softly, fearing he already knew the answer.

‘That you’d all be happier if I was gone. That I shouldn’t be alive.’ Alex replied quickly, the words sounding alien to him as he released them into the world.

Bobby blinked furiously.

_Let me find that fucking bastard Mr Mercer. He’s the one who shouldn’t be here, not Alex. Fuck._

Reggie softly took Alex’s hand, clinging to it like he feared Alex would fade away if he didn’t.

‘I know you can’t see it, but Alex, everything is better for you being here. I know I can’t make you believe it, but it is true.’ He mumbled softly.

Alex smiled weakly. ‘Thanks Reg. I don’t wanna kill myself, I think I do, but I know I shouldn’t. I know I should hold on for you guys.’

Bobby spoke then, his voice quivering slightly, his eyes shining.

‘Not just for us, Alex. For _you_. Reggie’s right. The world is better for having you in it. _I’m_ better for knowing you. We all are. No, don’t try and downplay your importance, Alex,’ he added, seeing the blonde shake his head slightly, ‘I was well on my way to drifting off track and becoming another douche jock when I met you.

Things were already going bad, I’d started to realise my parents didn’t care about me, and then I met you, and you were so kind, so thoughtful, so accepting of me as who I was.

And then I met Reggie through you, and then Luke. And then I had friends who really cared, not like how Marshall and Cole and Peter were.

And then, even though I was friends with the jocks too, and they were mean to you and said things I didn’t understand but still made you sad, you still treated me like I mattered. You were always there, and you made me feel special. Like I actually mattered.

Before you guys, the only people who’d care if I vanished were my Nana and my Pops. You let me in, Alex, even when I was still kind of friends with Marshall and those assholes, you came out to me, and you, and Reggie, and Luke, you’ve helped me escape all this macho bullshit about how a guy should behave, about what guys talk about, all this stupid stuff that they were filling my head with, that my Dad would fill my head with when he’d show his face.

I feel like I’m a good person, kind of, but only because you guys helped me realise how to be. And you, Mr Patterson. Seeing how you treat people helps too.’

Mitch smiled broadly. ‘Well, thank you, Bobby. You are a good guy, you know that.’

Alex stared at Bobby, who had started to slowly cry, and hugged him, Reggie joining, then Luke, who had been listening unseen hurried over and joined the embrace.

Mitch and Emily smiled, tears glistening in their eyes, and then Emily took Mitch aside to quietly explain that the contents of the medicine cabinet were now in boxes under their bed, including Mitch’s razors.

Mitch nodded at his wife, understanding exactly why she was telling him this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the support network Alex has


	60. Stargazer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys watch the stars, Mitch worries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Reference to suicidal thoughts

The boys were sitting in the backyard, looking up at the stars poking their way through the hazy skies of Los Angeles.

Alex had always enjoyed looking at the night sky, something about the way that it made him feel like he was just a tiny part of a whole universe was strangely comforting.

‘Do you think we might make it?’ Alex murmured quietly, not taking his eyes off the stars twinkling above them.

‘As a band, or just in general?’ Reggie replied quickly.

‘Both, I guess.’

‘We’ll make it.’ Luke said, decisively. ‘We can start writing some songs, I’ve got a few ideas, and we can do covers until we’re ready to show our originals. Then we’ll work our way up, and before you know it, we’ll be selling out stadiums across America.’

‘You’ve really got it all figured out, haven’t you?’ Bobby replied, soft awe on his face.

_Maybe this could really happen. If we believe in it enough, we could achieve it._

Luke nodded. ‘We all need this band, and I think we’ve got something special. It won’t be easy, sure, but just think how good it’ll be. We can get you out of your parents’ house, Reg, and we’ll all show your parents how wrong they were, Alex.’

‘Maybe we could live together, Reg. And you guys could too if you want?’ Bobby said. He’d become accustomed to Reggie coming to stay at his when things got bad, and Bobby wasn’t ashamed to say he missed Reggie’s company when the house went back to just being his.

‘I’d like that.’ Alex nodded. Even with how terrible the circumstances had been, living at the Patterson’s so far had really shown him what he’d been missing in a positive home environment.

‘Me too.’ Luke said. ‘We could have girls round, _and guys_ ,’ he added, winking at Alex, who’d torn his eyes off the stars to look at his best friends.

‘So, can I ask a question?’ Bobby said suddenly, staring at his fingers.

‘You just did, Bobbers.’ Alex smirked, poking his tongue out as Bobby shuddered comically at his nickname.

‘How was it when you two kissed?’ Alex looked at Luke, whose cheeks had flushed a little.

‘I don’t have much to compare it to, but it was really good for me. It was kinda hot.’ Luke murmured; his face much redder now.

‘You have Golda Leonards to compare it to!’ Alex crowed. ‘Tell me, was kissing my mouth more enjoyable than kissing her eye?’

Luke tossed one of the cushions the boys had been leaning on at Alex, pouting.

‘Well then, Casanova, was kissing me better than kissing Trent?’

Reggie laughed, watching Alex cycle between shock, embarrassment, and incredulity, before settling on a soft look.

‘Of course, it was better kissing you! You were a willing participant; you weren’t taken off guard like Trent was.’ Alex sighed; his face hot.

‘Plus, I know you like my ass.’ Luke murmured, wiggling his eyebrows awkwardly.

‘Yeah, alright, I know you’re hot, you know you’re hot, calm down.’ Alex pouted.

‘What about us? Are we hot?’ Bobby asked suddenly, like it was something he’d been burning to ask.

Alex stared, then decided to be upfront.

‘Yes, Bobby. You and Reggie are both beautiful. I hope that’s okay.’

Bobby leaned forward and put a hand on Alex’s shoulder. ‘Thank you, and of course it’s okay. You can talk to us about anything, Alex. If you see someone who you think is hot or whatever, you can tell us. It’s just like us telling each other when we have crushes on girls. Same for you, Luke. Tell us if you think someone’s hot.’

Luke smiled a tiny grin at Bobby, thankful for his friends being open to him. Alex squeezed Bobby’s hand.

‘You’re very quiet Reggie. You okay?’ Alex asked, staring at the raven-haired boy who was sitting in soft silence across from him.

‘You think I’m beautiful.’ Reggie said simply, an elated smile filling his face.

‘Of course Alex does, you are beautiful, man.’ Bobby replied.

Luke nodded. ‘You’re all beautiful, we’re gonna be real heartbreakers when we make it big.’

The boys stayed in the yard until the early hours, when they all moved into the house, sleeping on the couch and the floor.

* * *

In the small hours of the night, Mitch crept into the room, watching the boys sleeping peacefully.

He moved close to Alex and smiled sadly to himself as he watched the boy’s chest rise and fall.

He’d been unable to sleep, fear filling his mind with thoughts of Alex having hidden some medication away or that Luke might have missed something when he was emptying the medicine cabinet, and Mitch found himself so restless, unable to relax or to think about sleeping until he was sure that Alex was still okay.

Watching the blonde sleep, one arm outstretched, his hand almost but not quite touching Luke’s hand, Mitch exhaled quietly, then went back to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short, fluffy chapter. I hope you enjoy.


	61. Cruel Cruel World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Homophobia prevails at school even with Alex's absence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: homophobic slurs, violence.

The next morning, none of the boys were particularly bright eyed as they slumped around the breakfast table.

‘Do we have to go to school?’ Luke whined, pouting miserably as Emily shook rashers of bacon onto his plate.

‘ _You_ do, Alex doesn’t. He’s got an appointment with Doctor Armitage and then I thought I’d take him to the mall to see if we can get him some things to make the bedroom feel like it’s his space too.’

Alex smiled gently. ‘Thank you so much, Mrs Patterson. You really don’t have to do that for me, though.’

‘Alex, we want to. You’re going to be staying with us long-term, we need your room to feel like it’s yours too.’

Alex busied himself with his food, feeling overwhelmed again.

* * *

Mitch dropped Luke, Reggie and Bobby off at the school, and Emily drove Alex to Doctor Armitage’s office.

‘I’m really sorry, Mrs Patterson.’ Alex murmured softly as Emily pulled into a parking space.

‘Honey, what ever for?’ Emily replied, her brow furrowing.

‘I know this must be costing you and Mr Patterson so much money,’ Alex said, picking at a scuff on his jeans methodically, ‘I’m gonna find a way to pay my way, I’ll get a job somewhere.’

Emily frowned, taking his hand. ‘Alex, you don’t need to worry about money. Let me and Mitch look after you, honey. You need to let us help you, okay?’

Alex nodded; his voice shaky. ‘Okay, thank you.’

Then he quickly leaned across to hug Emily tightly, just for a few moments, before pulling away, looking embarrassed.

Emily knew Alex had a long way to go before things could get better for him, but she was determined to be there each step of the way.

At the school, the morning had been difficult so far. Donna had sidled up to the boys after home room and asked about how Alex was.

Somehow word had got around that Alex had been seen being dragged off by his father by Moran’s pharmacy and then that the police had came shortly afterwards.

Reggie had explained to Donna what Michael Mercer had done, and Donna was furious. Just as Donna finished swearing that she would kick the hell out of Michael Mercer if the boys showed her where to find him, Miss Murray rounded the corner looking alarmed.

‘Alex isn’t in today, is he?’ She said quickly, her eyes glossy.

‘No, why?’ Luke replied, uncomfortable with how uneasy Miss Murray looked.

‘Okay, that’s good. I wouldn’t want him to see what they’ve done to his locker.’ The teacher replied, sighing in frustration as Luke immediately took off in the direction of Alex’s locker, Bobby, Reggie and Donna hurrying after with Miss Murray wheezing behind them.

A small crowd had gathered around Alex’s locker, full of whispering and jeers. Luke pushed through and couldn’t bear the sight that greeted him.

Alex’s green metal locker had been dented repeatedly by what looked like well-placed kicks, and spray paint daubed the front of it, cruel words in large letters. The words were laid out like a checklist and and Luke’s eyes trailed down, reading each part in horror.

**_Alex Mercer is_ **

**_A faggot_ **

**_A cocksucker_ **

**_A sinner_ **

Each horrible thing was ticked off.

‘Who the hell did this?’ Reggie said, his voice quiet but anger unmistakeably bubbling.

Bobby looked like he was going to be sick. He knew all too well how much each of those words would hurt Alex, especially the last one, _sinner_.

Luke glared at the crowd, still chattering and laughing about what was written.

‘Do you think it’s funny?’ He yelled suddenly, even shocking himself with low loud his voice was.

Reggie flinched, and Bobby discretely slipped his hand in Reggie’s, squeezing gently.

The majority of the crowd fell silent, a few whispers pervading however.

Tabatha May stood forward, a nasty smile stretching across her face. ‘I didn’t write it, but it’s funny. Everything on there’s true!’

Lindsay Holmes burst out into shrill laughter, and Bobby was instantly reminded of the nature programmes he sometimes watched in his spare time.

_She’s like a hyena. Gross._

Luke lunged forward, his face full of thunder.

Miss Murray quickly stepped in, her voice firm as she addressed the crowd in the corridor.

‘All of you shut up and get to class, now. Except you,’ she said firmly, extending her arm so Lindsay and Tabatha couldn’t slink away.

‘Why have we got to stay?’ sulked Tabatha. Lindsay seemed less confident now than her friend, her face staring at her shoes.

‘Because you think it’s acceptable to bully others, Miss May.’ Miss Murray said simply. ‘You and Miss Holmes are going to repaint this locker.’

Tabatha shrieked in derision. ‘Why should I? I didn’t write it, but I agree with it. Alex is a sinner, it’s disgusting what he does!’

‘How would you know what he does?’ Bobby growled. ‘You barely know Alex, all you’ve ever done is be cruel to him, and he doesn't deserve it.’

‘He deserves it. You all encourage him, it makes me feel sick. He comes into this school, he could infect any of us, fags are riddled with diseases, it’s disg—’

Tabatha was cut off midsentence as, with a guttural shriek, Donna leapt forward, shoving her backwards into the lockers.

Lindsay seemed rooted to the spot, watching in vacant surprise as Tabatha screeched, clawing at Donna’s hair but unable to get a grip as Donna continued to press her into the lockers.

Miss Murray pulled the two apart, her face furious.

‘Donna and Tabatha, you are coming with me to Principal Goldwater’s office. Lindsay, go to Janitor Pace’s office and ask him for brushes and green paint, show him the locker you need to repaint and he’ll supervise you. Understood?’

Lindsay nodded quickly. ‘Yes, Miss Murray.’

Miss Murray turned to the boys. ‘You three get to class, I’ll contact Mrs Patterson and let her know there’s been an incident.’


	62. Fight or Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After therapy, Alex and Emily have a near miss at the mall, Luke, Reggie and Bobby find themselves in danger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: homophobia, slurs, threats of violence

Alex sat in the mall food court, toying with the straw in his milkshake as Emily watched him.

‘Mrs Patters-Emily, can I ask you something?’ he said cautiously.

‘Sure, honey. Ask away.’ Emily replied, meeting the boys gaze.

‘I was hoping that I could go to this church thing I saw a flyer for,’ Alex began. ‘It’s at the Keene Community Centre, and it said it was a church for everyone, and there was a rainbow flag on the flyer, so I was hoping they might be okay with me. But Luke’s worried it might not be like that, but I really wanna try.’

As he finished, he grimaced a little, feeling worried. Emily was nothing but wonderful to him, but he still couldn’t help fearing she might shut him down.

‘I think you should try it if you want to, but you should be careful not to get your hopes up. Does that make sense to you, honey?’ Emily said, smiling kindly at the boy who was practically vibrating off the cheap plastic furniture of the food court.

‘I guess so, Doctor Armitage said the same sort of thing. I just, I really wanna feel closer to God again. I’m scared that religion was such a huge part of my life and I loved it in spite of knowing I was something that they were so against, and it just feels like I’ve gotten lost a bit now I’m away from religion.’

Emily lightly took his hand. ‘I understand, sweetie. I used to be quite religious but I kind of drifted away from it. But it means a lot to you, and I think you should give this church a go. But if it’s not feeling right, or you feel they’re not going to be welcoming to you, I want you to know you can leave. There’s a lot of churches in LA, and we can keep looking until we find one that is welcoming to gay people.’

‘Thank you, Emily. It means so much to have you guys looking out for—’ Alex’s face fell, his eyes widening as he looked beyond Emily.

Emily turned sharply, inhaling quickly as she saw Daphne Mercer gliding through the mall, her face icy as she took in her surroundings.

‘Alex, honey...’ Emily said carefully. It didn’t seem as though Daphne had seen them, and she was terrified that Alex might go over to her and get himself hurt again. As Emily looked at him, he was sat slightly alert in his seat, his knuckles white as he was willing himself to stay where he was.

‘I can’t, I… I haven’t seen her since I left home,’ Alex mumbled sadly, his eyes welling up as he watched his Mom enter a clothing store. ‘I miss her, and I know it’s stupid, cos she clearly hates me.’

‘I know, it was the same for my friend Russell. When his parents stopped talking to him, it broke his heart. It makes sense that you miss her, and your father too if you do, but they’re not good for you. The way they treated you is cruel, and in time you might be able to forgive them, but you should never compromise on who you are in the hope you might be able to salvage that relationship. After Russell’s family turned their back on him, he wouldn’t do anything for weeks. He kind of shut down, he wouldn’t talk about things, he wouldn’t go out or socialise. It was like he was shutting down huge parts of his life, making himself smaller.’

‘I get that,’ Alex said quietly, slumping back into his seat a bit more, ‘It feels like if I’m not doing anything, then I can’t be doing anything wrong. But I don’t want my parents back if it means I have to go back to pretending to be straight, I promise.’

‘Okay, sweetie. Just remember how proud me and Mitch are of you, and all of the boys. You are good as you are, Alex. So, what time was this church meeting on the weekend?’

Alex smiled as he talked about the details of the church, and Emily agreed that he could go on his own, but that they’d drive him there if he wanted.

* * *

‘What are we gonna do about Alex?’ Bobby said quietly, picking at his fries.

The boys were sat on the grass outside the school. None of the three had been able to focus on their classes since the incident with Alex’s locker, and now Bobby had brought it up Luke felt himself tensing up.

‘I don’t know. We should tell him, but it’s gonna really hurt him.’

‘He’ll notice it’s been repainted and that it’s dented, though,’ Reggie murmured, ‘and there’s the chance someone will tell him. Everyone seemed to find it pretty funny.’

‘Talking of,’ Bobby said, shifting to his feet as he saw Cole and Peter heading towards them.

‘Where’s Mercer today?’ Cole called out as he drew near.

‘His Dad probably finished the job,’ Peter sneered, ‘I would if I had a kid that turned out to be a fag.’

‘Bobby, no!’ Reggie said sharply, trying and failing to grab at Bobby’s arm as he stormed towards the two jocks.

‘Was it you who wrote that shit on Alex’s locker?’ Bobby yelled, feeling Luke and Reggie now standing behind him.

Cole smirked. ‘No, it wasn’t us. Tell him we’ve been missing him though, I can’t wait til he’s back so we can show him how much we miss him.’

Peter snorted. ‘Yeah, don’t think that now Marshall’s family have sent him off to military school or wherever that things are gonna be better for that freak.’

‘Seriously, you better leave Alex alone!’ Luke barked, flexing his muscles instinctively.

Cole and Peter simply laughed, before Cole’s eyes drifted to the rainbow badges the three were wearing.

‘Don’t think you freaks are gonna be safe either.’


	63. The Crying Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys seek help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: homophobic language, slurs.

‘Alex is gonna be heartbroken when he finds out that people aren’t gonna leave him alone,’ Luke said as he paced back and forth outside Principal Goldwater’s office.

The loud noise from inside the office suggested to the boys that Donna and Tabatha were still inside with their parents and Miss Murray.

‘Luke, we knew it wasn’t gonna be a simple as Marshall being taken out of school. People are ignorant and cruel,’ Reggie sighed.

‘I know, Reg!’ Luke said, keeping his voice quiet in spite of his frustration. ‘It just sucks so much, Alex doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. First his family, then Marshall, now this. When is he gonna catch a break?’

Bobby didn’t speak, his face turned so his eyes were burning into the ugly beige wall.

He didn’t want the others to see him crying.

Biting his lip to stop his jagged sobs being heard, he tried to calm down.

_Luke is right. This isn’t fair._

‘Nobody deserves to go through what Alex is,’ Bobby said finally, his voice tight with emotion. Reggie picked up on it instantly, as did Luke, and the two moved closer to wear Bobby was sat.

‘Bobbers…’ Reggie murmured softly, placing a careful hand on the boy’s shoulder.

When Bobby turned, his face was a mess of thick streams of tears.

‘It’s not right. I can’t stand it. So many people suffering and everybody is still so cruel. Donna’s brother is dead, your Mom’s friend, Alex keeps thinking he should hurt himself! It’s too much, and I’m part of the problem.’

‘Bobby, it’s not your fault…’ Luke murmured, squatting in front of Bobby, trying to meet the boy’s eyes.

‘But it is!’ Bobby choked out. ‘I was around Marshall and the guys when they said so much shit about people, girls, guys, Alex. Even when they were talking so much cruel shit about Alex, I kept quiet and took it. I should have been braver, I’m pathetic.’

‘Bobby, it’s okay. It’s hard to stand up on your own, but we’re all together in this now, and you help keep Alex safe. We love you, and so does Alex.’ Luke said, trying to coax a smile out of the weeping boy.

‘I just wish I was braver,’ Bobby sniffed.

The door to the office burst open, Tabatha skulking out, followed by a man and a woman who must have been her parents.

‘It’s pathetic, Goldwater. Tabatha shouldn’t be punished for agreeing that it’s disgusting to have a queer in the school. He shouldn’t be allowed here.’ The woman snapped, her face casting a dark glare into the office.

‘Hey!’ Bobby said, his voice shaking. ‘That’s my friend you’re talking shit about!’

‘And ours,’ Reggie added, smiling to himself as Luke leapt to his feet, nodding wildly.

‘Yeah, Alex is our best friend, and your daughter is horrible to him, and everyone else while we’re at it.’ Luke growled.

The man who was Tabatha’s father frowned, looking angry, but said nothing. Tabatha’s mother cast a withering look over the three boys.

‘It’s not my fault you’re willing to slum it with sinners. You lie down with dogs, you catch fleas. Or worse in his case.’ She sneered, her gaze lingering on the boys’ rainbow badges.

Miss Murray came hurrying out of the office. ‘Please, Mrs May. You’ve been invited to leave the premises, please. Take Tabatha home and stop harassing our students.’

‘Come on, Carole,’ Tabatha’s father muttered, ‘This isn’t over. This school will regret letting a homo study here.’ He finished, and the look he gave the three boys could have curdled milk.

Miss Murray watched the family storm out and down the corridor, then turned to the boys. ‘Are you three okay?’

‘No, Miss Murray. Cole and Peter are gonna mess with Alex when he gets back, and they said we’re not safe either.’

‘Right. Um, well, we’re just finishing with the Twists, why don’t you come in?’

* * *

Mr and Mrs Twist were a world away from Donna in terms of aesthetic. Where Donna favoured grungy clothing, her parents were the picture of prim and proper.

Mr Twist wore a olive green knit over a button down shirt, and Mrs Twist wore a similar knit in a pastel purple wool colour.

Next to them Donna sat, slumped in her chair resentfully.

‘Sorry to interrupt, but the boys need to speak to us about more bullying.’ Miss Murray said, gesturing for the three to take seats in the chairs recently vacated by the May family.

‘Hi guys,’ Donna smiled. ‘You okay?’

‘Cole and Peter,’ Reggie said simply. ‘Ugh, those guys need to get a grip.’

‘Donna, be quiet.’ Mrs Twist hissed.

Donna rolled her eyes, turning in her seat to face the three boys more. ‘I’m being suspended for a week, if I’d known I would have tried harder to yank some of her disgusting hair out.’

‘Donna!’ Mr Twist barked.

Donna sighed loudly. ‘Mom, Dad. This is Reggie, Luke, and Bobby. They’re friends of mine. Our friend Alex is who I was standing up for. Alex is like Ricky, but of course, you won’t acknowledge something like that, will you.’

‘Donna, how could you?’ Mrs Twist snapped. ‘We made terrible mistakes with Richard, and we have to live with that now. You know we regret how we handled things.’

Principal Goldwater shuffled in his chair, clearly uncomfortable.

‘I think we’ll end things here. Miss Twist, we’ll see you in a week, when I hope you’ll have thought about the consequences of your behaviour.’

Donna stood, scowling at the Principal. ‘I’ll be back, but I won’t regret what I did. Tabatha is a bully, and she deserved more than she got. I’ll see you guys soon,’ she said, as she left, waving at the three boys, kicking the door open with her boot.

Mr and Mrs Twist hurried after their daughter, avoiding looking at the three boys.


	64. Don't Forsake Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miss Murray stands up for Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Homophobia, discussion of death.

Principal Goldwater sighed as the three boys finished explaining what Cole and Peter had said.

‘I can’t do anything unless they act on it, I’m afraid.’

‘You’re kidding me.’ Luke said, appalled.

‘I’m not waiting for them to try and beat the snot out of Alex to defend him!’ Reggie added, his eyes furious.

Miss Murray scowled at the Principal, holding her hand up before Bobby could chime in.

‘Surely what they said counts as a threat, Jonathan.’ She said, throwing her arms in the air in frustration.

‘I can speak with the boys and ask them to leave Alex alone, but the simple fact of it is I cannot force any of the students to think that Alex’s choices are acceptable.’

‘We’ve been over this before, Jonathan. Alex hasn’t chosen to be gay.’

‘That may be the case, but he has chosen to be open about it, and as such, I’m afraid he’s opened himself up to criticism. As have you boys,’ he finished, pointing a finger at the rainbow badge on Reggie’s jacket.

‘You cannot be serious,’ Miss Murray snapped, shooting an apologetic glance at Reggie as she saw him jump in the corner of her eye.

‘Boys, could you wait outside for a few minutes, I’ll come get you when I’m done.’

Luke shot Goldwater a foul look which was equally matched by those of Reggie and Bobby as the boys stomped out of the room.

As the door clicked shut behind them, Principal Goldwater sighed.

‘My hands are tied. Mrs May is a prominent member of the PTA, and if she takes her issue with Tabatha being suspended further there could be more negative attention coming the boys way, and they aren’t helping themselves. The rainbow paraphernalia, that pink sweatshirt Mr Mercer wears, it’s asking for trouble.’

‘The way those boys dress is how they express themselves. How dare you criticise Alex’s clothing or the way those boys choose to show support to him? Are you aware of the sort of upbringing they’ve had?

Reggie’s home life is incredibly volatile, Bobby is home alone most of the time from what I’ve gathered, and Alex’s father apparently beat his son in the street the other day. Luke is the only one with a stable home, and you judging them isn’t going to help anyone.

They are scared children; you have a duty of care. If you cannot see past your own bigotry, then maybe you shouldn’t be a Principal.’

‘What do you mean?’ Principal Goldwater said, his voice unsteady. ‘I’m not a bigot.’

‘You described the notion of two boys being in a romantic situation as _morally reprehensible_. Let’s not even get into the way you looked like you wanted to vomit when Donna mentioned her brother was a gay man. Plus this way you keep referring to Alex’s _choices_.

There’s no way this school can help its gay or lesbian students, and there will be others out there, if the top of the organisation is poisonous.’

‘I won’t be made to apologise for the way I feel. You are younger than me, I was raised in a time where we were told that that sort of thing was a disgusting choice. I have tried to help Alex in spite of the fact it makes me uncomfortable to be around him, but I can only do so much. If I removed every student or teacher that had a problem with homosexuals, this would be a tiny school, with no staff except for you, I’d wager.’

‘I’m not asking you to remove anyone, just to treat Alex like you would if he wasn’t gay. Please, I know you do want the best for your students, deep down.’

‘I do, I know it might not seem it, but I do. I just haven’t had to deal with this sort of thing before. Alex is the first gay student I’ve encountered.’

Miss Murray sighed. ‘He is the first gay student _you know_ you’ve encountered. There will be others in the school, boys, and girls, and they’ll be looking to how the school deals with the horrible experiences that Alex is having and has had on campus, and they will make decisions based on that. Do you remember Ricky Twist? Donna’s brother?’

Principal Goldwater shook his head. ‘I can’t say I do.’

Miss Murray nodded. ‘Well, you were Principal the entire time he was a student here and people gave him a terrible time of it too. He was smart, and funny, and a joy to teach. He didn’t have the same support network as Alex, though, and once he’d came out to his parents and they kicked him out, it wasn’t long before he couldn’t cope, and he dropped out of school. I went to the funeral, you know. The Twists didn’t, there was only me and a handful of his friends. He was only nineteen years old.’

Principal Goldwater rubbed at his eye. ‘It’s terrible to think about.’

‘Well, then please, just look at how young Alex is. He’s got a good support network in the Patterson’s and his friends but he’s still struggling. We can make this school a safe place for him and for other students too, but you have to be with me on this. Please, Jonathan.’

Principal Goldwater nodded, clearing his throat. ‘Okay. What can we do? I’ll talk to Cole and Peter if you want, or if you think you’d be better, you’re certainly welcome to.’

‘I’ll talk to them.’ Miss Murray said firmly. ‘Maybe you could prepare one of your assemblies that you do, but do it about behaviour on campus. We can stress the importance of not bullying anyone, it doesn’t have to be just about homophobia, there’s plenty of other awful behaviour going unchecked in this school. I’ll help you.’

‘Thank you, Stacey. We could do the assembly next Monday, maybe?’

‘That’d be great, now, I’m gonna get the boys back in here and you can promise them you’ll help them and Alex.’

‘Okay.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Goldwater still kind of sucks, but he's going to try and be better. Miss Murray should be principal, let's face it, but it's the 90's still.


	65. So Quiet You Were

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Band practise takes a turn for the worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Anxiety attack, reference to homophobic slurs and bullying

After school, the boys made their way to Bobby’s, having agreed to meet Alex there.

The walk was tense, with all the boys filled with dread for what they’d have to tell Alex.

‘Can we wait to tell him after practise?’ Luke said, his eyes downcast as they made their way down the breezy street. 'I want him to be able to enjoy the practise.'

‘I guess.’ Reggie replied, looking to Bobby for his opinion.

Bobby had been quieter than usual for the rest of the school day. After Miss Murray and Principal Goldwater had explained their plan of action about the bullying, Luke and Reggie had seemed satisfied, but Bobby kept quiet, his doubts and apprehension swirling in his mind for the remainder of the day.

* * *

Alex was waiting with Mitch when the boys got to Bobby’s, sitting on the porch in the bright spring sun. His eyes lit up as he saw his friends approaching, and he missed the way Reggie and Luke pointedly shifted their facial expressions from a soft frown to a bright smile.

He did, however, see that Bobby looked sullen, and resolved to ask him what was wrong.

The band practise went well, with Luke showing the boys a song he’d been toying with in his head.

He didn’t have a title yet, but Alex loved the lyrics about standing tall and being the last one standing. Luke suggested all the boys would take a part of the song to sing, with Bobby opening it, Luke taking the second verse, then Reggie and Alex sharing the last chorus.

Alex loved it, the song felt so good, even its shaky infancy. He found the lyrics made him emotional, especially a part that came to Luke as they worked on it.

_‘Like I’m glowing in the dark, I keep on going when it’s all falling apart.’_

How Alex yearned to be able to say something like that about himself.

_Maybe I should right a song, try and express myself that way._

After a while, the boys shifted to working on a cover of an old seventies song that Reggie had suggested, one he’d always enjoyed when he heard it on the stereo at the diner he had helped out at as a waiter at for a short summer, before things at home had got bad enough that his natural clumsiness worsened to him not being able to get a tray of food to the customers without spilling or dropping things.

Despite the circumstances of his discovery of the diner, Reggie was fond of the place, and the owner Lynne was fond of him, and it was a place he would go to sometimes when there was no food at home. Lynne had worked out that things were bad, and agreed to keep feeding him whenever he needed, or to let him hang out there when things were getting intense.

Reggie would sit in the diner, watching the waves lapping at the beach, and he would forget that his home was so volatile, losing himself in the music Lynne had playing through the crackling speakers.

As Reggie and Luke discussed how the song went, Reggie’s ear for melodies helping to nail the tune of the track, Bobby and Alex stood in the kitchen, grabbing glasses of water.

‘How was school?’ Alex asked, right as Bobby asked ‘How was therapy?’. The two laughed.

‘You go first.’ Alex smiled, seeing how Bobby’s face fell.

‘Um. Something did happen. I’m really sorry, ‘Lex. I don’t know how to tell you.’

‘Bobbers, tell me. Please.’ Alex said, his face serious.

‘Someone graffitied your locker, they wrote some nasty stuff. Tabatha and Lindsay thought it was funny so Miss Murray made Lindsay repaint it, and Tabatha got into it with Donna, who got suspended for a week for smacking her into the lockers. Tabatha’s suspended too, though. And then, Cole and Peter said they were missing you.’

Alex felt like his mouth was lined with cotton wool, and shakily took a sip of his water.

‘Oh god. What did it say on my locker?’

‘Lex, please, I don’t want you to be upset…’

‘Bobby, I need to know.’

Bobby sighed. ‘It said you were a faggot, a cocksucker and a sinner. I’m really sorry, ‘Lex.’ He finished as he watched Alex’s face crumple.

‘So, I’m never going to be safe at school. Even with Marshall gone, there’s always gonna be someone ready to make me feel like I’m wrong.’

Alex was pacing back and forth now, the glass of water now long abandoned on the counter.

‘We’re always gonna be here to protect you, Alex,’ Bobby murmured softly, watching the blonde pace around the kitchen. ‘Miss Murray and Goldwater are doing an assembly about bullying on Monday too.’

Alex stopped abruptly, laughing harshly.

‘They won’t be able to stop it. I can’t win. I feel like a fucking baby, I can’t even walk down the street alone in case someone wants to beat the shit out of me, and what’s worse is that it might even be my fucking Dad.

This is never going to work. You guys can’t be my bodyguards forever.

I won’t even be able to go to the bathroom alone, someone might be there.

You three can’t waste your lives keeping me safe because of my own inability to look after myself.’

‘Alex, don’t, please…’ Bobby said shakily, and Alex’s head jerked sharply to see Bobby’s face.

Alex felt the harshness of his face fall away, replaced by fear as he watched Bobby.

The dark-haired boy’s lip was trembling ferociously, his eyes glassy with tears.

Bobby was trying to breathe, but his breaths were sharp, quick gasps.

‘Bobby, listen to me. You need to breathe. I’m here. I think you’re having an anxiety attack.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof.
> 
> The cover song that Reggie suggested is 'I Want You to Want Me' by Cheap Trick.


	66. Interlude

Just a quick authors note to say I’m having some personal and technical problems in my life so there might be a slight delay in getting the next parts up. I hope you understand, I’m having a lot of struggles and personal upheaval.   
  


I'm on tumblr at ghostgay23 if you wanna talk or anything.

I hope to be back soon with more of this fic, I’ve been finding a lot less commentary on this fic lately which is sad to me as I love the comments so much 


	67. Quiet Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An incredibly short chapter, but I wanted to get something out.

Alex held on to Bobby as the dark-haired boy cried, his sobs making him oblivious to Luke and Reggie coming into the kitchen.

‘What’s happening?’ Luke asked, and Bobby pulled away from Alex’s embrace, his voice stiff.

‘Um, I told Alex about school, and I..’ he tailed off, dissolving back into tears.

‘Bobby had a panic attack, I think. I got really worked up about everything he told me and about, you know, my life in general, and I think it didn’t help Bobby.’ Alex murmured, staring at Luke and Reggie as he held Bobby.

‘I’ll be fine, I swear.’ Bobby muttered, his voice choking with emotion. ‘It’s Alex who needs our support.’

Alex frowned. ‘Bobby, you deserve support too. We love you so much. You’re part of our family.’

‘But I’m not the one who has spent _forever_ getting tormented! I want things to be okay for you, and it all seems to be so hopeless.’

Reggie reached for Bobby’s arm, resting his hand gently on it. ‘Bobbers, your feelings are valid. You don’t have to hide what you’re feeling cos you think it’s not important or something, it is!’

Luke smiled sadly at the scene unfolding.

_If there is a God, thank God they let us find each other._

* * *

Later, the boys had practised the rough set of songs they’d worked on so far.

With Luke’s new work in progress song, the YMCA cover, and Reggie’s request of them doing ‘I Want You to Want Me’, the boys were pleased with the early progress they were making.

Bobby didn’t look up from his guitar as he mumbled quietly. ‘It’s my Dad’s birthday today, I tried to call him before school but the phone numbers I’ve got aren’t working.’

Luke’s face fell. ‘Why didn’t you tell us?’

‘It just never felt like the right time. We’ve got bigger problems than that anyway.’

Alex’s brow furrowed, watching Bobby minimise his problems again, and leaned over from his drums to slip his hand into Bobby’s, smiling as he felt Bobby squeeze back.

‘So, are you still planning on going to that church?’ Bobby said quickly.

Alex knew that he was trying to change the subject but decided to let it go.

‘I am, I’m not getting my hopes up, but I’m kind of excited.’ Alex replied, giving Luke a pointed look.

_Be happy for me. Please._

Luke seemed to take the hint, a gave the blonde a small smile. ‘I hope it’s good.’

‘Thank you. I know it might not be what I’m hoping for, but I have to take this chance.’

‘And we’re happy for you. Right guys?’ Luke said, gesturing at the other two boys, who agreed enthusiastically.

‘If you want us there, we’ll be there.’ Bobby nodded. ‘My Nana and Pops are coming in for the weekend but I’m sure I can come along.’

Alex smiled. ‘It’ll be fine, I think going on my own might be good for me. I can’t keep hiding behind you guys all my life.’

* * *

That evening, Luke and Alex sat in their room, quietly changing for bed.

Luke sighed quickly before speaking. ‘Alex, I wanted to say… I am happy for you. If this church is good for you, I’ll be happy for you. I know how much it means to you.’

‘What if it’s not? You know, good for me.’ Alex mumbled quietly, pulling an oversized tee he liked to wear for pyjamas over his heard quickly.

‘If it’s not, we’ll be happy for you when you do find a church that’s supportive of people like you and me.’ Luke said simply, laughing softly as Alex crashed into his chest, clinging to him.

‘I love you, so much, Luke. You being my friend means everything.’

Luke smiled at the blonde boy in his arms. He was overwhelmed with the urge to kiss him but resisted.

_He needs my friendship more than that._

‘It’s the same for me, ‘Lex. You are so important to me.’

Alex pulled away from the embrace to grin at Luke.

A few months ago, he would have laughed in your face if you were to tell him he was not only out to his friends, but they were so supportive and loving.

_Thank you God. Thank you for my friends._


	68. Church

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex goes to church, Bobby tells the others something.

Alex stayed off school for the rest of the week, as did Luke, Reggie and Bobby.

Emily spoke with Miss Murray and collected their work for them to work on at home.

She knew it would only be a temporary measure, but it was far preferable to the alternative.

* * *

Sunday came along quickly, and as Alex sat in the back of the Patterson’s car in the parking lot of the Community Centre, Mitch smiled encouragingly at the blonde boy.

‘If it doesn’t feel right, just get out of there, okay? There’s a payphone over there, I’ll give you some cash,’ Mitch said, passing a handful of quarters to the blonde boy who stuffed them in his pocket. ‘Call us whenever you’re ready, if that’s five minutes after it starts or when its over. We’ll come get you, you don’t walk back, okay?’

Alex nodded, smiling tightly. ‘Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.’

Mitch scoffed gently. ‘Please, Alex, just Mitch is fine.’

‘Do I look okay? I wanted to look respectable.’ Alex asked, hesitantly looking himself over.

He’d worn one of his button-down shirts, the soft white cotton sparkling in the early evening light.

‘You look very handsome.’ Mitch said over the cacophony of enthusiastic responses from the boys.

Alex blushed, then unbuckled his seat belt, his eyes trained on the time on the car dashboard.

_6.30pm._

_Right._

‘Okay, I better go on in, I don’t want them to have started.’ Alex said, suddenly feeling very small.

‘You’re being very brave, son.’ Mitch said softly. ‘No matter what happens in there, we’re here for you, okay?’

‘Thank you. Wish me luck, guys?’ Alex replied, looking at his three best friends.

The three boys wished Alex luck, and watched him open the door and make his way from the car into the Keene Community Centre.

‘We’ll wait a few minutes in case he changes his mind; this is a big step for him.’ Mitch murmured softly.

* * *

The Keene Community Centre was clearly a well-loved but underfunded space, with ceiling tiles in the lobby that had been replaced in a colour that wasn’t a perfect match for the others, and scuffed doorframes on the rooms leading off the main lobby area. Alex paused, taking a deep breath.

A room to the right had a large poster version of the advertisement he’d seen for the church, and there was a faint hum of noise coming from inside.

_Right._

_Here we go._

_Now or never._

Alex took one last breath, his fingers dancing over the fanny pack that crossed his button down shirt and pushed the door open.

There was about twenty or so people in the room, a much smaller congregation than he was used to. The people were very different from the crowd he was used to too, where his old church had been a sea of white faces, the group of people gathered here were far more diverse, with black and Latina faces being prominent.

Upon his entry to the room, Alex felt as though he was being looked at with curiosity, some of the assembled congregation shifting in their seats to stare at him.

Subconsciously, Alex moved his hand to cover the pink triangle pin that he had fastened to his shirt near the collar.

There was a man who Alex assumed was the priest, probably in his thirties or so, wearing a dark shirt with a white collar, a far cry from the bulky robes that Reverend Allen wore. The man’s eyes lit up at the sight of Alex stood awkwardly at the back of the room, and he moved towards him, smiling brightly.

‘Hi there! I’m Reverend Richards, welcome!’

His hand was outstretched and Alex instinctively shook it, his respect for authority figures having long been drilled into him.

Reverend Richards eyes drifted down to the where Alex realised he was no longer covering his pink triangle pin, and a glimmer of understanding crossed the Reverend’s face.

Alex felt his throat tightening, and his increased tension must have been obvious to Reverend Richards, who smiled disarmingly.

‘It’s okay, buddy. You’re very welcome here. Why don’t you take a seat, see what you think of our church? St Jude’s wants to be a place where there isn’t judgment, but if it’s not right for you, that’s absolutely fine.’

‘T-thank you.’ Alex squeaked, slipping into a plastic chair in the back row.

Reverend Richards smiled again, then made his way up to the podium at the front of the room, and the faint murmur of chatter settled down as he began to speak.

* * *

‘Do you think he’s doing okay?’ Luke murmured, his face gloomy and downcast.

‘I hope so, honey.’ Emily smiled gently, patting her son’s arm.

The Patterson’s, Reggie and Bobby were sitting around the kitchen table, their eyes drifting over to the phone mounted on the wall.

‘Are you okay, Bobbers? You’ve been quieter than usual.’ Reggie whispered, the question easily audible in the stillness of the room.

Bobby shifted stiffly in his chair, avoiding looking at anyone.

‘My Pops, he’s, um, well, he’s… he’s sick. That pain he gets in his spine, apparently, it’s being caused by a growth, and his Doctor doesn’t know if they’re gonna be able to fix it.’

‘When did you find out?’ Luke said, staring in shock at his friend.

‘This morning, Pops and Nana told me at breakfast. He’s known a while though, he lied to me about it being fine.’

Mitch sighed inside as the pieces slid into place in his mind.

_No wonder Bobby was ready and waiting outside to be picked up. He’s obviously mad at his Pops and hurting._

‘I just, I, I’m mad at him,’ Bobby said, unable to stop now he’d started to speak, ‘He should have told me, I need to know these things.’

Reggie bit his lip, frowning.

He could see why Bobby was mad and he could also see why Bobby’s Pops had wanted to keep this from him.

‘He should have told me.’ Bobby repeated, his face quivering.

Luke didn’t know how he could fix this, so he grabbed Bobby in a tight hug, feeling Reggie join.

The boys held on to Bobby as he wept, his tears a mix of anger and grief and despair.


	69. Religion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short chapter, but I hope you enjoy it :)

Alex could not believe what he was experiencing.

He was in a church congregation, singing hymns and joining in with prayers, and he felt _safe_.

There was no sense of his need to censor himself, he felt his voice lifting high and clear. He loved being able to look around himself and see the other members of the congregation, a huge difference to when he’d always keep his head bowed low at his old church.

His smile was huge and didn’t feel forced.

He smiled in awe seeing two older men in the congregation, hands linked tight as they swayed in time with the music.

_They’re like me. And nobody is condemning them._

Reverend Richards had given a sermon which was worlds away from those Alex was used to. There was no harsh judgment or critical tone to the Reverend’s words, no disdain or diatribe about the ‘sins of Los Angeles and the modern world at large’.

Instead, there were just kind words, discussion of the love God has for everyone, and that the love was unconditional. Alex felt his eyes shimmering with tears.

_This feels safe. It’s like I could belong here._

When the service reached its conclusion, Alex felt a strange yearning. He felt like sad that it was over, and yet he was so glad he was here.

As the congregation milled around, chatting with each other, Reverend Richards sat down next to him.

‘How did you find the service?’ The Reverend asked, his voice soft.

‘It was good, it’s… very different to what I’m used to. My old church was not okay with…’ Alex tailed off, the familiar anxiety bubbling up.

_What if this wasn’t a safe place? What if I’ve misread the signs?_

‘Gay people?’ Reverend Richards said, his eyebrows raised. ‘I don’t mean to assume, it’s just with your pin badge...’

Alex nodded. ‘It’s okay. I am gay. It’s a big problem for my family and my old church, my father wanted me to go to a camp to get fixed.’

Reverend Richards looked at Alex firmly. ‘I’m very sorry for your experiences with church and for how your family treat you. Gay people are welcome here, a lot of my congregation are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. This is a place where everyone is safe, and loved, as God would want.’

Alex felt his tears splashing on his cheeks.

This was all beyond his wildest dreams.

‘Thank you.’ Alex managed to squeak out, and Reverend Richards smiled broadly as he placed his hand on Alex’s shoulder.

‘Think nothing of it, I’m just doing as the Lord wants us to do, be welcoming and kind to everyone.’ Reverend Richards replied, then paused. ‘Would it be okay if you told me your name?’

Alex hesitated, then, seeing the gentle look on the Reverend’s face, relaxed. ‘My name’s Alex.’

Reverend Richards beamed. ‘Well, it’s a pleasure to have you here, Alex. Will you be coming again next week?’

Alex smiled confidently. ‘I’d really like that.’

* * *

Back at the Patterson’s, Bobby was now sat on the couch, slumped in on himself. Reggie and Luke were watching him warily, as were Emily and Mitch.

‘Bobby, please talk to me.’ Reggie mumbled softly, his eyes trained on Bobby.

Bobby lifted his head slowly. His eyes were bleary.

‘I don’t wanna spoil things for Alex. This is a big day for him, no matter what happens at church.’

Bobby had been thinking a lot, both about his Pops and about Alex.

They were two of the most important people in his life and he couldn’t bear the thought of losing either of them.

He knew how important Alex’s religion was to him and he truly hoped things were going well.

As for his Pops, his feelings on that were more complicated. Emily and Mitch had tried to reason with him about why his Pops might not have wanted to worry Bobby or upset him, especially with everything that was going on with Bobby’s parents selling the house, and Bobby could see their point, but it did nothing to ease the pain in his heart.

Reggie sighed and Luke understood why.

‘Bobby, I understand you want to keep Alex protected, but we need you safe. You have to tell us things, you can’t just minimise everything. Please.’ Reggie pleaded.

The phone ringing provided Bobby a welcome distraction, and he leapt up from the sofa, joining the others in watching Mitch answer the call.

‘Hey, sport. Okay, that’s okay. We’ll come get you now. Okay, son. Stay in the Community Centre until we’re there. Love you. Bye.’

Mitch turned to face the others as he placed the phone back on the receiver. He smiled slightly as he saw the looks of concern on the faces in front of him.

‘Alex said it went really well. Let’s go get him.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to give Alex a good experience at the church so here we are :)


	70. This Is Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex reflects as he waits for the Patterson's to pick him up.

Alex sat in the reception area of the Community Centre, his eyes trained on the parking lot outside.

The congregation had dispersed, and the sound of a cleaner somewhere in the centre vacuuming the halls echoed.

In the parking lot, Alex could see a cluster of boys who looked a few years older than him. They hadn’t noticed him, and Alex fully intended to keep it that way.

_They don’t look like the sort of guys who’d be nice to someone like me._

Sitting in the reception, Alex’s thoughts moved to the overwhelming experience of the church service he’d just attended. It was so unlike everything he had experienced in his old church, the open-heartedness and kindness was so new to him.

It was the first time in years Alex had attended a church service felt as though he wasn’t willing the floor to open up and devour him whole.

His mind wandered on to thoughts of Trent, so kind and helpful when Alex had needed it most.

_I really need to see Trent and thank him._

Next his mind moved to his chosen family.

Luke with his beautiful body, the muscles and curves that had once sent Alex into spirals of burning shame and self-loathing, the kind soul that Alex had been so scared of losing the friendship of but had instead surprised him by being so beautifully kind.

Luke had not only tolerated or accepted Alex being gay, but had actively embraced the truth of who his friend was and had even revealed his own truth in the process.

Reggie, the raven-haired boy who the world had thrown such unspeakable cruelty at from such a young age, and yet still looked at the world in wonder and with kindness. Reggie was always someone who saw the best in people and was an impeccable judge of character.

Bobby, who had so much love to give and whose parents didn’t have the heart to see how wonderful he was.

Bobby had been the one who Alex had been most afraid to tell, the voices in Alex’s head warning that Bobby could easily turn on him and be just like Marshall and the other jocks, but instead Bobby had chosen to be an ally and a friend to Alex at the cost of those other friendships.

Then there were Mitch and Emily.

In the time he had been staying with them, they had shown him the difference between genuine parental care and affection and the conditional love and repression that his own parents had been raising him under.

Being able to see a therapist, being supported in the pursuit of a church that would be open to people like him, being so protective of him in the face of the bullying at school.

Alex felt he would never be able to thank the Patterson’s enough for taking him in and saving him, both from his parents and himself.

Alex knew he had a long way to go still, he knew his mind still was drawn to the cruel and negative thoughts that had been drilled into him, but he knew he wanted to keep on trying.

He knew he wanted to survive, to be able to get far away from his parents and be able to make his dreams come true.

_I’m going to find a boyfriend one day, and he will love me. I’ll do all the things I thought I never would be able to._

_I’m going to be with my friends forever._

* * *

The sound of a gentle honking brought Alex out of his thoughts. In the parking lot he could see the Patterson’s parked just outside the doors of the Community Centre.

There was Mitch in the drivers seat, Emily alongside him. Luke, Reggie and Bobby were in the back, Reggie’s head poking out of the window reminding Alex of an overenthusiastic puppy dog.

A huge smile covered Alex’s face, and in that moment, Alex felt nothing but a wave of love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a short chapter, things are still abit difficult in my personal life.
> 
> This is the last chapter before there will be a bit of a timejump, I'm going to be covering the Orpheum, then what comes after.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy!


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